I want a normal life.....like when I was younger
Posted by futurenursewithibs, Aug 15 2009, 09:59 AM
Hey everyone,
I want to thank everyone that has been responding to my posts, it really helps to know that I am not the only one going through all this. Well, I have had another attack that sent me to the hospital this time in an ambulance it was so bad. The attack came out of no where and the next thing I know I was sitting on the toilet in excruciating pain double over in a cold sweat dripping with abdominal pain and back pain to the point I thought I was dying. My body had started to go numb and I thought for sure I was about to pass out! I made my mom call 911 at that point, cause I thought there was something seriously wrong since my other attacks had never felt like that. My mom had given me hyomax which is an antispasmodic I was given the last time I left the hospital and thank god it had started to kick in before the EMTS had gotten there. In other words I probably didn't need to go to the hospital however I still went and got checked out and was released 3 hours later. Since than I saw the gatstro doctor again And after all the millions of tests he has run and with everything coming out negative he has officially said it looks like that I have severe IBS. He is totally perplexed since nothing is coming out positive. Now every time I start to have the pain he said I should talk pepto and the hyomax, and that should take care of it. He did not want to put me on any other meds since I am already on cymbalta and paxil and both of those are supposed to help with IBS as well. He also has me on nexium and prevalite which keeps my stools formed.
As of right now I am completely living in fear of leaving the house and totally have become a shut in. My mom is so fed up with me that I am not fighting this illness and that I won't go out, my relationship with her is becoming strained. I made her cancel her vacation plans because she was driving 12 hours away and I was scared to be alone with her that far away in case I have another attack. Whenever she is home she is running errands and is never home home, and I hate being home alone, since I always am I get so lonely. I have isolated myself from friends that I only have about 1 or 2 that call me still even though I say no to going out. BY the way they know my problem and what is going on. However I do not think that anyone that does not have this disorder personally can really understand what it is like to live with it.
Others seem to ask themselves why she can't just move on with her life. So what she had an attack now move on. BUT I CAN'T!!!!!! I had to drop out of an amazing nursing school for the fall because of all the health issues I have been having and am so depressed about that. People that have graduated high school with me are now graduating with their masters degree's and I have not even gotten through my undergrad yet!!! It's so embarrassing and annoying since I have not stopped taking classes this whole time. I have so many credits but none in one single area to get a degree since I was doing nursing, and no other nursing school will take any other nursing school's classes for credit.
Stress definitely makes IBS worse. When I start to get the attacks I have to try to calm myself down or I start to have a panic attack. I have been given Xanax to take when needed, and that totally zonks me out. I am making an appt. to see a nutritionist, to get a list of what I can and can not eat or what will make an attack come on and what is safe.
I am also seeing my gyno at the end of this month and am going to talk to her about checking me for endometriosis. I am on birth control because I use to get really bad periods and now I do not get my period at all because of the type of birth control that I am on. My mom seems to think that it has something to do with not getting my period that I am getting these attacks since they seem to come once a month. I have read that IBS symptoms are the same as endometriosis, so we will see. However I am so scared of the gyno because even having a regular exam is extremely painful for me, so to ask her to look into endo or other causes that might be giving me the attacks is petrifying!!!!!!!!
I WILL UPDATE SOON...........UNTIL THEN HOPE EVERYONE FEELS BETTER
FUTURENURSEWITHIBS
and the days just pass..........
Posted by futurenursewithibs, Jul 3 2009, 01:15 PM
Well first off I would like to thank everyone that has commented on my other postings that it helps to know that there is someone out there that is actually on my side for once. Any ways since my last posting I have been hospitalized with extreme stomach pains and diarrhea with an vengeance. The ER doc decided to do a CAT scan and found fatty deposits on my liver and fluid in the cul da sac which I found out was the area behind the vagina which is suppose to be normal to some degree however he wanted to add an ultrasound to the tests as well and then admit me to the hospital. My mother was with me from 3 in the afternoon until 5:30 the next morning in the ER with me since they had to wait for a bed. Once they found me a bed i let her go home and my dad came to stay with me for a little while, while my mom went home and got some sleep. With in those two hours 3 doctors had come in to see me and ordered a bunch of blood work and stool samples. The nurse was completely in shock since she has never seen 12 pages of stool sample tests needing to be run. She said she has never even heard of half of the things he was running which I guess is a good thing because that means he is being thorough. Well 2 days later I was finally able to leave the hospital since it can take weeks according to the doctor for all the test results to come in and there was no point keeping me there. I had no fever and just diarrhea. What I did get back though was that my white blood cell count came back a little elevated, and some markers for the liver and inflammation did come back abnormal as well, and my b12 count is down. Leaving the hospital was a nightmare!!!! I had to put one of those huge diapers-the ones that they put on really old people in the hospital, just so I could make it home from the hospital because I was so scared I was going to go to the bathroom in my pants. When I was in the hospital i had to run down the hall to another bathroom because my room mate was in the bathroom in our room, and I had to go now!!!! I barely made it down the hall but did make it without an accident. So now I am home taking Prevalite daily which has stopped the diarrhea thank god because it got so bad that i had gotten hemorrhoids so bad!!!! I just could not take it any more. By the way the Prevalite is what the doctor had given me after I had my gallbladder out and the diarrhea became uncontrollable. I am also on 20mg of Paxil and 60mg of Cymbalta daily as well and Xanax when needed. I still can not leave the house due to the fear of not being near a bathroom and having to go right then and there and not be able to hold it in. I still have the feeling of like i constantly have to go in the rectum in area which i guess you can say is pressure, and i have bad gas. Tomorrow is the 4th of july and what am I doing you ask?? Well I am staying at home by myself with my cats because I can't leave the house and am to embarrassed to have friends over in case I have an attack. My parents are going out to dinner tonight by my family and then tomorrow with their friends, and i absolutely hate it when they go out and I am home alone. I know I can't expect them to stop their life just because I have decided to stop mine and let the fear in me win instead of trying to go out. Am I crazy for letting the fear win, or is it that I have been through the scary feeling so many times that I can not even remember what it was like to live without it. I am 23 years olds, and should be out with friends having a great time and living my life, instead I am sitting at home because I am scared I am going to have a BM in my pants. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!! I really hope that on tuesday when I call the doctor for the test results they actually find something wrong with me that can be fixed and I can get back to my normal life again. Its like the fear has paralyzed me and it completely sucks!!!! SO is it really ALL IN MY HEAD???? I am starting to believe it I have heard it so much now. I was taking a summer class that I had to go to school for and had to drop because I was hospitalized and missed to many classes which almost made me not go away to school in the fall to finish up my nursing degree because I need this class in order to start. Thank God I found an online chem class that offers not only the lecture online but also the lab part as well. The school approved it and now all I have to do is hope that the school offering it lets me take it. I can not see why they wouldn't I have a 3.5 GPA. I also have to hope that the school lets me take a different orientation program since my orientation is next week and i cant get in the car and drive the 2hrs.
SO SOUND OFF PLEASE
until next time
futurenursewithibs
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!
Posted by futurenursewithibs, May 30 2009, 05:11 PM
it makes me so angry that no one even though no matter how hard I try to show them evidence from the internet believes me that how I am feeling is not all in my head. Yes I do agree that my anxiety does make my disease worse, however it is not the cause of my IBS-D&C
I am so depressed that I can not leave my house because of my stomach and I am so frustrated. As I sit here typing my stomach is hurting me and going crazy, but everyone thinks its all in my head. Hello people...... doesn't any one read, it has been proven that IBS is not caused by the brain. It is a physical disorder of the intestines. I am completely alone in this world right now. My father is telling me get it out of your head and you can go out. All I do is sit and cry when someone says its in my head, I am so sick and tired of people telling me that. My feelings are real, the pain is real, the urge of having to go to the bathroom right now is real. I am so sick of living like this, i do not know how people have lived a long time like this. I have been living like this for only a couple of weeks now. I having been dealing with IBS since I was little but it was never this bad, where I could not leave the house. I really think it has something to do with my gallbladder being removed. It didn't get this bad until about two weeks after my gallbladder was removed. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH it completely sucks. I never should have had my gallbladder removed. Why can anything with me be normal. There are plenty of people out there that have their gallbladders removed and not a problem, but my luck of course it has to aggravate my IBS to a point of no return. I just want to be normal, I just want to be able to leave the house and go to see a friend, I just want to be able to drive down the street to a restaurant or a doctor's office with out have the feeling of having to go to the bathroom right away. I feel so bad, I have put my mother under so much stress because of this. She has me and my grandmother and my father pulling her in all directions. I am 23 years old and should be able to take care of myself, and not want my mommy, however when i am sick and feeling the way I am feeling i want my mommy and I complain to her. I have no one else to go to, and she is my mother, I am her only child, she needs to understand what it is I am feeling, but she seems to think it is in my head as well. I thinking I am going to start printing everything I read about IBS and the brain connection out and have her sit down and read them in front of me. Who knows is what I am sending her she is even reading. Something now she says she knows that its not in my head, but the anxiety is, but it things that she says that makes me feel that she is just saying it because she is tired of hearing me. UGHHHH i hate life right now.
Day after colonoscopy- feelings and worries
Posted by futurenursewithibs, May 28 2009, 12:10 PM
Yesterday I had my first colonoscopy, which was not bad at all since you are asleep for the procedure, however when you hear people say that the prep is horrid, it definitely is. I also seemed to have a delayed reaction to the citrate magnesia which makes you have uncontrollable diarrhea to clean you completely out, and wound up having it also the morning of the procedure. I had no idea how I was going to get into the car to go to the test because I could not stop going. To remind everyone this is the fear that I have because of the IBS that involves leaving the house since every time i get in to a car my stomach now goes hay wire. Getting to the procedure was a complete night mare and the same with coming home. So yesterday as expected my stomach was going crazy all day, however this morning I did not expect to still have the diarrhea and constantly going to the bathroom, but I am. I guess I should mention that I have eaten so that could have something to do with it now. I am so sick and tired of having to run to the bathroom on a moments notice. If i was not in my house I really do not think that I would make it to the bathroom. I really could use some advice of people out there like me about how they have been able to control their bowels. I am only 23 years olds, and should not be having this problem. I really wish that there was a cure for IBS, and that I could leave my house without having the fear of having to get to a bathroom right away as soon as the feeling strikes. I can no longer take car rides, which limits me from doing anything. At the end of June I have to start going to classes which can't be taken online since there is a lab involved with the course, and I am totally freaking out. How am I going to get to the school without going in my pants and how am I going to make it throughout a 3 hour class without having to get up and run to the bathroom every 10 mintues or so, and not be completely embarrassed or called out by the professor for getting up and leaving so much. The other students in the class are going to be making fun of me and think I am a freak! I have absolutely no way of getting out of taking this class either since it is a prereq for the school of nursing that I need to have completed before the fall semester starts. My life right now completely stinks, and I do not know what to do. I could really use some advice from anyone that has been through this and or a similar situation.
Until later
FuturenursewithIBS
on I want a normal life.....like when I was younger