When I binge

It's not much. It's not what it was before. I am aware that there is no such thing as "healthy" binging, but last year I binged on chocolate, pastries and the like. It's not so healthy now, either. Mostly carbs, like bread with Philadelphia cream cheese (what I had as an after dinner "snack", among other things...), or bread with light jam, or stuff like that. It's me going around the kitchen opening the fridge and then the cupboard for some bread or crackers, then the fridge again, back and forth.

Alright, that was the description. Now to my thoughts *during* the binging process:
"It had to happen, everything was going so well..."
"Now my therapist will say she doesn't consider it's serious..."
"Great, now I'll pay with my IBS symptoms..."
"Hey, at least these aren't fries...!"
"I've been gassy and bloated for days now, what would be the difference?"

I was thinking yesterday that I secretly want myself to fail when I'm doing great, not binging for days. Also, when my IBS symptoms don't improve after a couple of days, I'm frustrated (who isn't?) and, thus, use food as comfort, consequently making my IBS worse.

It's... well, there's no better way to describe than by saying: it's SICK! I know my IBS symptoms won't improve when I binge, but somehow my subconscious wins and I "indulge".

I want to improve before I go to the US on December. There won't be mommy to run to when I feel sick, no private bedroom to cry alone, no nothing. I'll be surrounded by people, and I don't want to *pretend* I'm okay. I want to *be* okay.