Once upon a time
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Nov 15 2009, 10:14 PM
I want to eat like a regular person again. Again, I'm referring to my upcoming trip to the US. I'll be staying with roommates for 3 months while I'm there, and I just... *Sigh* I just wish I didn't have to worry about IBS.
I wish I could just veg in front of a TV with my friends there and have some popcorn, even some ice cream... I wish I could have a chicken burger with fries on the side next to them and just laugh at whatever.
I wish I could say "I'm not hungry" and barely eat in a day. If I did that now, my whole digestive system would crumble.
I wish the bloating and gas would just go away. I wish I had regular BM's.
I wish, I wish, I wish, there it goes again.
I know I have IBS, but it seems it's VERY hard for me to accept it.
I thought my bigger obstacles would be related to academics, which way to save the world and all that. But apparently, I'm just destined to eat bland food for the rest of my life. 'Cos whenever I go out with my family, I end up having either chicken soup or steamed fish with rice. That's it.
Unbelievable.
Boogie woogies can't explain it
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Oct 25 2009, 01:34 PM
Long story short: the results for the parasites test came out yesterday and say I have cysts of Entamoeba Coli in my gut. Today I went to my gastroenterologist and she said we live with it, that it's not related to IBS.
I was in shock, I couldn't talk. I had the last tiny bit of hope in the E coli thingy, and now not even that could explain why my IBS symptoms have gotten worse as the months pass.
Then she checked me and found out I have an extra long colon, a part of it goes over my liver instead of behind. So yay me, that explains the constipation...
Why now? Because I hurt my digestive system since I was 15 or 16. I ate a lot, I ate ####, then I developed binge eating disorder, I'm still trying to cope with it, and my long colon, which had been resting peacefully all these years, suddenly went nutty (I can't tolerate nuts now, so it's not funny) and I developed IBS. Wahoo.
I'm really frustrated for the E coli discovery. I wanted the problem to diminish a little bit, at least! I take good care of what I eat and of not getting stressed, I even talk myself out of binging and all...
I feel defeated. Less than two decades old and I'm defeated. By my colon, by the boogie woogies, by binging, by Hume (whom I have to finish reading besides doing other college stuff)...
Question: How the HECK do I get rid of the victimizing mentality? I want to be strong, cope with this, 'cos it's not like I'm gonna die or anything, it's not that I'm gonna be a social outcast.
So why do I feel like such a victim?
ViCtoria~
And yet again, she binged
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Oct 1 2009, 06:36 PM
Yet again, she hurt her body in the most awful way possible...
I was already in SO much pain from binging on Monday... It was a kind of pain in the stomach I hadn't felt before, it was appetite loss... I still feel like that now, it's even worse after I binged... And I was so worried and I haven't eaten much these days, so I binged... Sooo much it hurts my stomach.
I'm just waiting for my mother to come home, the only one whom I can talk with when I'm feeling like this. My cousin is never around, no matter how much I need her, how much I beg for her...
I don't want this stomach, I don't want these bowels, they make the binging so much worse... Maybe this pain is an ulcer? I've hurt my stomach so badly that my gastritis has now formed an ulcer in my stomach?
And tomorrow I have an exam, and I have to be at college from 8 to 4 pm, and I feel like ####, my stomach hurts... And I don't know what to do after I binge. I can't exercise, I'm too full, all I feel like doing is staring at the computer screen and that's not healthy, I do that 24/7... I need to study but it hurts and I feel so bad, I don't feel guilty but I just feel the pain in my stomach and I'm bloated, bloated like a beach ball...
I wish things could change.
Food hangover (a poem)
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Sep 23 2009, 07:36 AM
Food hangover, food hangover
How my stomach hurts
Can't expel you out anyway
Feeling swollen, a bit blue
Food hangover, food hangover
You first tasted so good!
But you've abandoned me
And now I feel sore.
The IBS symptoms flare up, my tummy is bloated, there is gastritis pain and I don't want to do a thing for the rest of the day. The lunch I'm taking to college is a bit spicy, so I'm afraid I'll be all gassy during my exam at 2 pm, an exam I don't want to take either (Descartes, you give me a headache!)
Funny thing, I don't get that much gas when I binge on sugar treats. But when I do take care of myself for my IBS, I feel as if there's popcorn popping in my colon!
Ouch, my gastritis is killing me... Thankfully I'll go to a new nutritionist this Friday, yay!*
ViCtoria~
Just a silly wish
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Sep 20 2009, 09:34 AM
I wish I could wear tight clothes again.
I'm quite thin, so I'd just like to fit into those skinny pants again. But it's really uncomfortable because I have been bloated for almost a year now, and the sensation hasn't worn off. Sometimes it's worse, but it never disappears completely.
I don't know, it's just a silly wish.
.
When I binge
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Sep 16 2009, 08:14 AM
It's not much. It's not what it was before. I am aware that there is no such thing as "healthy" binging, but last year I binged on chocolate, pastries and the like. It's not so healthy now, either. Mostly carbs, like bread with Philadelphia cream cheese (what I had as an after dinner "snack", among other things...), or bread with light jam, or stuff like that. It's me going around the kitchen opening the fridge and then the cupboard for some bread or crackers, then the fridge again, back and forth.
Alright, that was the description. Now to my thoughts *during* the binging process:
"It had to happen, everything was going so well..."
"Now my therapist will say she doesn't consider it's serious..."
"Great, now I'll pay with my IBS symptoms..."
"Hey, at least these aren't fries...!"
"I've been gassy and bloated for days now, what would be the difference?"
I was thinking yesterday that I secretly want myself to fail when I'm doing great, not binging for days. Also, when my IBS symptoms don't improve after a couple of days, I'm frustrated (who isn't?) and, thus, use food as comfort, consequently making my IBS worse.
It's... well, there's no better way to describe than by saying: it's SICK! I know my IBS symptoms won't improve when I binge, but somehow my subconscious wins and I "indulge".
I want to improve before I go to the US on December. There won't be mommy to run to when I feel sick, no private bedroom to cry alone, no nothing. I'll be surrounded by people, and I don't want to *pretend* I'm okay. I want to *be* okay.
Underweight, IBS-C, gastritis and binging
Posted by lapikiorejuda, Sep 13 2009, 08:55 PM
Food. It's all I thought about the few months before my IBS symptoms started to show and it's all I can think about now I have it. "Okay, I'll order a Club Sandwich without the tomatoes -gastritis and all, you know-, oh and skip the ham -I don't eat red meat, it's harder to digest!-, and the bacon -too much fat... You know what, I think I'll just have the soup." In this long introductory post, I'll discuss the eating disorder I developed and the complications of having IBS and gastrs.
I don't know if the beginnings of an eating disorder were the cause of all this tummy trouble. Probably, right? I first became obsessed with healthy eating (some people like to call it orthorexia. My mum did). I started having whole wheat bread, no longer ate red mead and tried to avoid oils at all costs. I am underweight, so everyone thought I had anorexia or something, but I just wanted a "healthier" diet. Of course, I didn't have the necessary information, just jumped from webpage to webpage.
I think the problem aggravated when I tried to skip dessert. During my whole life, I ALWAYS had something sugary during the day, maybe some Oreos with milk, sometimes a brownie, a tiramisu, etc. My stomach could take it all! And I was skinny, so I just wanted to get rid of the carb obsession, somehow. But after trying that and losing a bit of weight, everyone noticed I was thinner.
People always judge you by how you look, and I think I was pale. "Eat more, you're so thin!" was all I could hear. "Eat the fried chicken, I tell you!" said my mother during the weekends. And I deprived myself, so I started binging every couple of days, especially before dinner. I didn't indulge on fried foods, but I ALWAYS had to had dessert. My beloved dessert that I can't have now.
Then, suddenly, I started getting bloated, I had some stomach pain. The first day, my mum rushed me to the doctor to check if I had appendicitis. Obviously, I didn't. I just had eaten too much for that day, according to the gastroenterologist, which was partly true, 'cos I had binged. But between that diagnosis (October 2008) and the final, awful diagnosis after my endoscopy (February 2009), I kept on binging, I was bloated all the time, I was mildly depressed, I wanted to leave college for good... I just felt like a mess.
My IBS symptoms were mainly being bloated and constipated, the first symptom being horrific for me. Just recently I've been extremely, extremely gassy. I can have the most simple meal (say cooked carrots, peas and potatoes with smoked fish) and still get gas. I get SO uncomfortable at the middle of class... And what to say about going out with friends during the weekend! Extreme no-no, as I'm usually tired and/or gassy.
I binge mainly because of my gastritis. I always thought I was just hungry and ate more bread, more cookies, more bananas, more everything, which worsened the reflux. I'm learning to control the binging. Now I don't binge much, thankfully! I would hardly call it binging and I feel proud of myself. But handling two stomach issues at the same time is hard. I'm over the "Why did I get this, why?! My life is SO over" period.
This next period is dealing with IBS and gastritis while travelling abroad. I'm going to the US of A for three months to work at a small, isolated ski resort in Vermont with people I don't know at all, to have a life changing experience, definitely. I'll share a room and WORK (get payed!) for the first time in my life. It's exciting, indeed, but I'm so worried because of my stomach problems. I really am. I don't know what I'll do when I'm there. Will I binge? Will they give me waffles? I heard it's near the Ben & Jerry's factory, hmm... Will I miss some things? What will my roommates say? What will I do without my family and the docs supporting me?!
Long rant, I know! But phew, I really needed to get this out of my system!
All I can think about is my stomach and how it complicated things. Should I just ignore it, eat anything and be happy? But how can I ignore when I'm leaking gas after meals, not fitting in my pants and all?
I hope I can find out, soon!
Until then,
ViCtoria
on Food hangover (a poem)