I am new to this site, and glad I found it. I'm a 19 year old female suffering from IBS-D. Ive had this since I was 17. Ive been to the doctor countless times and through all kinds of medication. Nothing is seeming to help. This is taking over my life. I cant do many things I enjoy now, and still havent got a job because of the fear of IBS coming up out of no where. Life just seems depressing and lonely with the constant worry of having a attack hanging on to me everywhere I go. Im now taking anti anxiety meds doxepin and the digestive advantage med. for ibs. Im hoping this will work for me. Some days I have to go to the bathroom 5 or 6 times. I have a two year old son and I know I have to get a job. If it wasnt for this I would already have one. Ive been through all kinds of test and everythings fine. I just wish I wouldnt have ever got this especially at such a young age. I also feel like no one understands me because no one I know has this. I dropped out of highschool because of this also. It just holds me back from everything and I spend many of my days at home now. I just want my life back. I look up to the people out there living with this and carry on a normal life. I wish I could hold my head high and deal with it but its hard to deal with.

Today I ate a tuna salad and haven't been sick. I had tummy ache but that's the daily deal. I went to school to get the paper that my doctor has to sign for me to cancel my semester for health problems. I've been with this guy for two months now and I don't see him very often. I always feel so tired and sick most of the time so I don't feel very romantic. Well, not at all. Poor him. As for friends, I don't get to see them either. Whenever I have freetime I just go to bed and sleep. Urrrrh. Speaking of bed...that what'll do right away.

I have not been on the website as much recently... although I noticed it's mostly because I'm trying to avoid the discussions around IBS.

I went to my follow up appointment with my GI on Tuesday.... Needless to say, it's the end of our relationship...
I can't say I'm surprised, but disappointed that there's absolutely nothing left for me to do. I do have an internal hemorrhoid (although treatment of it was never suggested) a little higher up in, and "tortuous sigmoid"; which is the cause for the agonizing pain and the reason why it's so hard for me to go. Even when I need to, it takes a lot of time and pushing to move anything through the back area of the colon. As the GI explained, I basically have more twists and turns than I should, which is why I seem constipated even though I can go daily... I just have a much longer transit time, and there's nothing I can do about it - not even a diet change (more fibre, etc.) will help.

Basically, I've been advised to keep up with the daily stool softeners, and take glycerin suppositories when needed. He was about to suggest the suppositories when I told him I already have them at home - and used one the morning of my colonoscopy to ensure I was empty.... which, I apparently wasn't. Of course, he said that was because of the sigmoid area.... so yes, there's an idea on the effect it has on me (I emptied out the day before the procedures... couldn't go at all the day of but apparently he had to clean me out).

Besides that, all I can do is go on with life, and try to take care of the anxiety problem, since it's the obvious trigger anymore...

On advise of my psychiatrist and the nurse in the program, I have declared a Medical Leave of Absence from work (which sucks because I JUST got offered another job from home that was 3 hours a day and shift work in the afternoon! Had to quit before I even started!) so that I can enroll in the hospital's outpatient mental day program. It's at least 6 weeks, on Monday - Friday's from 9am til 2pm. It's basically school - I have to bring a binder and pen, etc., and there's 4-5 classes a day. The only exciting part about that is that there is a CBT class, and there are some interesting classes like Goal Setting and Stress Management that I'm *hoping* I may benefit from. I'm not all that pleased about going (I fear more than anything that I will pass out during morning classes, LOL), but am willing to at least take something in from it. I just hope it's actually informative and worth it...

So I applied for sickness benefits from Employment Insurance - hopefully I can get that... my shrink wrote me off until June so that I can do the program and basically take the time to "start anew", but the biggest issue has been how I can still get enough income to pay my own bills during this time. It's just bad timing because we're moving at the end of this month (so moving while I'm doing the program)... but then again, that could also be good timing for the end result. More than anything, I'm hoping to be able to 'feel' like I can finally start my own life now that I've actually moved AWAY from my parents, and with some help in the anxiety/depression department, perhaps figure out what I want in life.

I am still very much considering the business idea.... After looking around for funding while I'm doing the program, I've come across a lot of grant opportunities that are available from the government for people with disabilities that want to either start a career (but need training/school) or start their own business. That would just work out good for me if I can take advantage of that - while I'm still debating WHAT type of business I want to do, I do recognize the reason WHY I want to do it...
I'm just someone who'd rather be in control of things. Lately I've noticed that I'm finding that some of the businesses I work for are completely unorganized and I want to tell THEM what to do to run it better. Same comes to completing tasks - I also make sure that I cover all bases and do get upset if anyone else edits any lists (for example) that I've worked on in fear that they may have half-assedly put in the information, therefore, it's not accurate. I just do not find that acceptable, and I am a sort of perfectionist when it comes to presentation of information for a business.

Either way, I think that because I feel as so, that I most definitely have the drive (at least) to run my own business. However, especially with today's economy, I just don't know what kind of business to do. I do know that I want to be able to do it out of home, and have considered just having an online store. It's just that in this instance, I really do wish that perhaps there was some skill/hobby of mine that I could put into a business. I did briefly consider scrapbooking - it's a more recent hobby I picked up... but I can't even say I'm that good at it considering the fact that there are some HARDCORE scrapbookers out there . But yeah... ideas are welcome in the meantime while I'm figuring things out.

*sigh* So yes, that's pretty much the jist as of lately... I have been told (suggested, more or less, by my parents) that I do not have IBS... that I merely had this colon problem and the rest was all an exaggeration of my mind. I can accept the suggestion, but like I told them in response - it doesn't explain the year of explosive diarrhea after eating that started all this. The pain and colon weren't an issue until about a year and a half later when my change in meds caused me to switch to constipation. I know my primary problem is pain/discomfort at this point... and I seem to more or less just have problems with BMs themselves and abdominal cramps that come and go.... I can't recall the last time I full out had a flare up. But it still doesn't explain how the D started suddenly and flipped my life overnight... and it still doesn't explain why I feel so sick after eating certain foods...

*sigh* Can never win with anyone... I just hope it isn't all my mind for Jeff's sake - he's being an absolute saint and is the only one truly here for me, and supporting us financially. He doesn't need anymore games, just as I don't.

So... that is that in a nutshell. I start this coming Monday with the program... hoping to just take it easy in the meantime while doing that, as long as something works out in the end. That's all I can really hope for since the GI did tell me to live with it and that MAYBE in 5-7 years I might take a turn for the better....

*shrugs*

I've always been abnormally tired; I can remember going to the doctor when I was 16 because of those symptoms. But of course nothing ever became of it; I had tests (which largely consisted of bloodwork) and was ruled to be "fine".

I didn't think much of feeling that way, then, because I had always assumed that it was "normal" for my body. However, last summer (and I wrote about this in my blog before it was erased via the system crash) I was in the library and, as it had six floors, was using the elevator. I noticed that I felt weird immediately upon exiting. Maybe people always kinda feel that way when they get out of an elevator, but for me it seemed like the feeling persisted way too long; in fact I kind of felt dizzy the whole week. I remember being in a room with my group working on a project and telling them how I felt. Naturally they were concerned... and quite unfortunately for me, one of my group members mentioned that her friend or something (a young man) had feeling dizzy as a symptom (as well as headaches and other stuff) and it turned out he had a brain tumor. She also said that it is (evidently) relatively common (compared to the national demographics) in young men. Yeah, that's nice; put the thought in my head. ><

I'm sure that's not what I have (I never have anything wrong with me -- just "phantom symptoms" that cause me problems without actually being anything diagnosable). I do know that I've been having pain around my left ear lately, which would explain the feelings of dizziness (if it's an infection or something); but that wouldn't explain why it's been going on since last summer.

I'd go to the doctor but there's never anything wrong, and I'm sick of being viewed as a hypochondriac ... Why is it so wrong to take note of things that are wrong with me? Would they rather have me just not care? Maybe, because then the hospital can get a ton of money for treating me with various expensive procedures if/when it turns out that there's something seriously wrong for me. Though, based on the last two surgeries that I've had (neither of which accomplished anything) I'm not really too inclined to go through that again...

I don't know; I'm just tired of being tired. I want to really be able to focus, and it's so hard to do when you just want to go to sleep. Maybe it's just the Cymbalta and/or Nexium that I'm taking? I doubt 30mg of Cymbalta would be enough to make me dizzy and/or tired, but maybe my body just reacts differently than the vast majority of people ...

I guess the only thing is to wait and see. If I start stumbling or having really severe headaches, then I'll go see a neurologist (though I do feel dizzy upon standing up from time to time, but again it's probably just something that everyone has to deal with, right? . Otherwise, I guess I just accept that this is yet another thing that I have to deal with. What else is new...

Though (and I completely forgot to mention this) I have noticed that not only do I have pain by my ear, but in the left part of my neck as well. It seems like a stinging pain, though it has over the past few weeks or so been so bad that it does cause me to get a headache. Now, in that time I've also had to devote a ton of time to sitting in front of the computer doing work, and I've also been very stressed. So in all probability there's nothing wrong with me besides that (i.e. sitting in front of the computer, looking at this glowing screen probably gives anyone a headache after a while). I talked to my dad about this, and he said something about needing "back support" when you're sitting in front of the computer. But, it's not like I'm sitting on a stool, lol. I have a back to my chair, so I'm not really sure what else I can do.

My name is Yukie I'm 24 and I was newly diagnosed with IBS.
Yesterday I ate a sandwich in class. I go to college. I forgot that I cannot eat wheat and there was a lot in the kind of break I ate. So during my class I began to be sick. I had to rush to the bathroom and event with bowel mouvement I wasn't feeling any better. So yesterday, after being sick because of a slice of bread, I decided to cancel my semester. It was my third semester. I wasn't sick when I took the first two. But now I am wondering if I can manage to finish college without being sick all the time at school. My mom is pleased with my decision because she knew was just going to be sicker. My boyfriend is a bit hesitant about what I chose to do. I feel like am giving up on life.

[font="Comic Sans MS"][/font] [size="5"][/size] hello everyone i am new to this site so im abit confused as 2 how everything works but im sure ill get the hang of it. Im so relieved that iv finally found somewhere i can talk to people that are experiencing the same symptoms as me. Well i was first diagnosed with ibs when i was 10years old, iv never had any tests but my doctor has always insisted that it is ibs that i have (which is annoying at times) it never really affected me in my early teens but as i has got older it has got alot worse. I have alternating diarrhea and constipation. Most of my symptoms include: really severe pain in the lower corners of my abdomen, bloating, flatulence, headaches, dizzyness, tiredness, very severe lower back pain and just over the past few years i have been getting a really sharp cramping pain in my anus and vagina and my doctor has told me this to is a symptom of ibs, i would just like to know if anyone else has had or is having these symptoms? if you have plz let me know, i really feel like no one understands what im going through. im only 19 and i feel like i cant live my life without being in unbearable pain all of the time, i have been on antidepressants and lots of different medication for my ibs but nothing seems to work. plz someone help me ...................

Here, sleep, at the bottom of hell
Your time has come to pick the road, you walk in this tale
Turned and as a coward you've learned
Through sickness and health there's only one
Now go and bite your tongue.

You'll just say the worst of me with a hope they'd understand.
No, they know you're just a boy, so grow up and be a man.
Little baby, oh kicking you scream and whine
Victims pay the price eventually
The cost? let's see.. your life.

You've got nothing to prove,
Stay afraid, young brother,
You've got nothing to prove.

Your answer is in there,
Just stare down the barrel.
Your sincerest apologies,
Won't write you out of this one.
Tonight, you'll find the right
In the pull of the trigger now bite.
Oh young fools, don't cry
Anymore.

A fear sleeps inside your stomach, It swells.
A torn boy alone in need of fix, and the pinch that cures the itch.
For too long this little baby has cried on.
For tomorrow we'll sing the words and song
Of a time we're glad is long gone.

You'll just say the worst of me with a hope they'll understand.
No, they know you're just a boy, so grow up and be that man.
Little baby, while kicking you scream and whine
Victims pay the price eventually
The cost? let's see... your life.

You've got nothing to prove,
Stay afraid, young brother,
You've got nothing to prove.

Your answer is in there,
Just stare down the barrel.
Your sincerest apologies,
Won't write you out of this one.
Tonight, you'll find the right
In the pull of the trigger, now bite.
Oh young fools, don't cry...

Mother superior,
Come catch the rabbit he runs.
My how've you been?
You're frightened of leaving this truly gone fishing amalgam,
Go fetch your gun.

Your answer is in there,
Just stare down the barrel.
Your sincerest apologies,
Won't write you out of this one.
Tonight, you'll find the right
In the pull of the trigger, now bite.
Oh young fools, don't cry...

Not anymore, don't cry, boy
Not anymore, don't cry, boy
Not anymore, don't cry, boy
When your sick to the stomach
Just pull out the knife, Oh no.

Don't cry, boy.
Not anymore, don't cry, boy
Not anymore, don't cry, boy
When your sick to the stomach
Just pull out the knife, Oh no.


- Claudio Sanchez (Coheed & Cambria)

Having thoroughly run out of ideas for a project I'm doing, my mind started to drift back to my undergraduate years... it was so nice to be able to use my own ideas when writing essays, instead of having to do research for everything. I didn't even mind analyzing books - should the professor try to assign such a thing - because at least I knew that by reading that book I would be able to find the answers necessary to write the paper.

Sadly, that's not true any longer. Graduate work sucks... or maybe it's just that this program is over my head. I'm really starting to wonder; even though my grades were good last semester, I know this coming one is going to be much worse. I doubt I'll fail, but my GPA will surely be lowered by a substantial degree.

I feel like everyone knows the material before it's even taught, and I'm the only one that doesn't "get" it. Maybe that's true because it seems like everyone in this program has worked in a library (or similiar institution) for years. So, they already know the material - they're just getting a formal recognition that they know it (i.e. in the form of a Master's degree).

Anyway, these thoughts were brought about because, again, I'm completely stumped about this project I'm supposed to be doing - which by the way is due Friday and hasn't been started yet. The fact that the whole premise behind the project makes no sense to me doesn't help matters either. We have to "plan, market, and assess" a library service. Fine, whatever; if that's important I've got no problem doing it. Unfortunately, instead of simply getting a case study (with the information already there); we have to actually go to a library and work "with" a librarian on a project. First of all, that's stupid because:

A.) They have their own work to do; they don't need me in there wasting their time, and
B.) If the librarian just doesn't get back to me with the information I need, what am I supposed to do?

So, I tried working on one part of the project that doesn't rely on someone else spoon-feeding me information. Unfortunately, for the service I'm doing, I am finding no literature at all on planning this service. There just isn't any. I've gone to database after database and found absolutely nothing. But I know I can't actually say that, because inevitably Miss PhD (i.e. the professor) will say, "Well, when I did some searches, I found a ton of information". Well, maybe if this stupid program had taught me some searching skills, I might be able to find the information too, eh? Instead they're more interested in teaching me "Information Policy" (worthless) and "Management Principles". Ok... didn't know I was getting an MBA here...

So, I really just feel like a total failure in these classes; and coupled with the fact that I'm not going to get the type of job I want anyway after graduation, I just really feel like I've wasted a ton of time and effort. I should have just stayed with my old job, as a retail cashier. Ok, maybe not in that actual place, because things were getting pretty bad there, but I could have gone anywhere and gotten another job like that...

If I had just gotten some help with Accounting, maybe I would have been fine with a bachelor's degree. But oh no ... and now look. Not only am I stuck with (evidently) yet another worthless degree (my bachelor's in sociology being the first), but this time I have gotten myself into debt (thankfully my undergraduate work was more or less free, thanks to some interesting circumstances). So, I'm not in nearly as much debt as I could be; but it's still going to be hard to pay off around $36,000 with a salary of about $16.5k per year (before taxes)...

I should have known; whatever path I took was going to be the "wrong" one... I should have just gotten another crappy job when I was at least debt-free...

Hi! Has anyone tried ketotifen for IBS-D? I have tried it after reading some stuff on the net about the mast cells and IBS and it works for me (male, around 30 yo). I take usually 1 mg in the morning and in the evening. It has helped me a lot with my diarrhea (i used to have around 2 or 3 loose stool a day, now i have usually 1, and it is solid) also helps with the bloating (before after eating something in a couple of minutes to half an hour i started feeling bloated, now it's almost gone). the pain is very much gone. is it just me? i don't think it's just placebo, really...

What isn't good can't go good whichever way it goes and whatever you do or not do!!

... ...

Enough said.

Just an update really...

Jeff had Monday & Tuesday off - 4 day weekend! - so we spent Sunday night away at a hotel as our V. day celebration. Was nice... ordered room service, watched a movie in bed.. and they had the good beds too! The ones that you can adjust firmness on each side - wow! Made for a nice comfortable night... even though something in the food they served seemed to upset me; woke up in the morning feeling gassy and sick. Thought I would have the runs, but I felt more pukey than anything! It's like every time I got up and walked.... but I took it easy and was mostly okay by dinner time.

However, I don't want ANY "oh, so sorry to hear" comments about that! Being generally sick and pukey still feels NOTHING like when IBS hits... It's almost a little more predictable really... And you feel that something just isn't agreeing with you instead of the roller coaster IBS creates in your stomach! This much I can say for sure right after experiencing that the way I did.

I mean, it wasn't fun and I knew I had to just rest it off sort of thing.... But then that gets me to thinking, "why do I not feel the same way when it comes to IBS?"?
It's probably me going on and on again about how useless I feel with only being able to work part-time and barely bring in enough money to pay my own personal bills and some groceries... I feel that since I've allowed myself the 'privilege' to work from home, that there should be no excuse to be completely unproductive. Except, that does mean I push myself even when I feel like spending the day in bed - nooo, I could never allow myself to do such a thing!
Now I realize what the problem is that constantly reminds me of how useless I feel! It's that of the above... although, I really don't know how to fix that.....

I at least got some projects lined up with my first (original) job, so I'm thinking about possibly getting my way out of the other one - which, seemingly, annoys me for many reasons... It's frustrating...
So I'm considering the small business idea but I'm clueless on where to start! I had the idea of gluten/dairy/allergy - free foods, but I'm debating on how well the idea will go over. I mean, I'm sure everyone worries about that at first, but I don't know if this will be an answer to my employment problems or just something I'm trying on the side. Hmm...

Anyways, off to bed... and more pondering. I'm glad we're already more than half way through the week!

After months of not posting (and having my other entries erased) I thought I'd resume blogging... it feels good to vent, if nothing else. I've thought a lot over the past few months about what doing this actually accomplishes, and maybe it doesn't accomplish anything (at least, not for the people who read it). Still, it's a place to go to express some frustrations that I have that I can't express anywhere else, because frankly everyone around me just has sort of given up caring, or gotten sick of hearing, about them.

With that said, here's what I've learned in the past few months:

Sitting down does bother me, and does cause a bit of IBS related problems, but not nearly as much as sitting down, while I'm stressed, frustrated, and angry.

Turns out even with a Master's degree, it's going to be very difficult to find the type of job that I want, because a Master's is the "bare minimum" for the library field (evidently). Reading the qualifications needed via job postings makes me feel angry, upset, and worthless.

Though I've suspected it for years, it also turns out my sister is the family "favorite". When I was a freshman in college, I'd ask for help, and be turned away with "I don't know anything about this. Set up a meeting with your professor." Meanwhile, my sister is a second year student, and she has help every night; most of the time with my dad literally dictating for her what to say.

So, yeah, the combination of those three things has really made me feel great. To top it all off, I have an assignment for a class (that I shouldn't even be taking - seriously, it has nothing to do with my major) that is driving me crazy, because I have no idea how to even go about researching the information. It combines the two areas where I am weakest: technology and research using online legal databases. So, I have to sit in front of the computer all day, being angry and frustrated that I can't find the information I need, which causes IBS pain, which then makes me unable to do work later in the evening...

This is why I didn't want to go to grad school. But oh no, all I heard was "Well you know you're not going to get anywhere with just a bachelor's degree". Yeah, like it's my fault we live in this desolate, piece of s*it area. FFS, I knew sitting down caused me problems with my stomach; I knew overly stressful situations caused IBS pain, and yet what am I doing? Getting a job in a career field where I will be - you guessed it - sitting down in front of a computer all day. Not only that, I'm not going to be able to get a job in the career field that I want. Take a look at the requirements for these cataloging positions (just for fun I'll bold the requirements that I don't meet):

1.) "M.A. in Library Science or equivalent plus six years of professional library experience in the area of technical cataloging." (http://publicboard.libgig.com/job/5837f5fb6fd0de18a1d787f9b8bc1f34/?d=1&source=site_search)

2.) "Required Experience:
· ALA-accredited MLS degree
· Two years cataloging/metadata experience
· Knowledge of MARC, AACR2, LCSH, LCCS, UMLS, XML, Dublin Core and other cataloging and metadata standards highly desirable (and even at that, my knowlege of MARC, AACR2, and LCSH is very limited).
· Familiarity with bibliographic technology, database design and digital repository requirements
· Excellent written and verbal communication skills (I'm a horrible public speaker, if that's what they mean)
· Able to work collaboratively in a team environment
· Ability to successfully lead, train and interact with employees and graduate library interns"
(http://publicboard.libgig.com/job/4e4f0db0200970766c86b08ff3451e89/?d=1&source=site_search)

And that's not even the "preferred" qualifications... those are just the bare minimum that you need to even be considered for the job. I could go on and on listing jobs that I do not qualify for, but you get the idea. So, I've got one of two options. I can either try to get an internship in the field of cataloging, and then pray that they will basically teach me this stuff [because, God help me, my academic program doesn't want to teach me them. They're too busy having me write legal briefs and create PMA assessments for a library that I don't even work at, nor know anything about the service I'm creating a plan for] or, I can simply go into reference, which means I'll be sitting at a desk all day, doing research (which I hate) every time a student asks me a question because they're too lazy to do the research themselves...

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I did think that getting a master's would at least help me move up a little bit in the world. But evidently that is incorrect. Now, I'm going to be thousands of dollars in debt, and I'll be working at a job very similiar to the one I worked at before even getting a Master's degree (i.e. retail). At least this time, though, I'll be more seriously considered for management opportunities, since I have the wonderful, oh-so-useful Master's degree, and all.

I'm just so frustrated ... maybe I wouldn't hate the program so much if I was being taught something; instead of just being assigned readings and then expected to teach myself from them.

On a final note, I remember being in health class in 10th grade, and I remember the inevitable lecture on suicide and all that. And of course very generic information was presented: warning signs, what to do if you see warning signs, etc. I remember listening to that lecture, and seeing a poster on the board with the inscription: "Suicide: a permanent solution to a temporary problem". And there were times in my life when maybe, just maybe, the only reason I didn't seriously consider suicide was because I did believe that. I did believe that everything would get better, if only I waited. "Once I get out of high school," I thought, "things will get better". Then I got IBS in college, and that destroyed that thinking. Then I thought, "Well, once I get a job and get rid of this constant 'you've only got a week' stress, then I'll feel better". Well, that was kind of true; my IBS did improve. But I had a job where I was standing all the time... when I would sit down; even for just a little bit; my IBS would kick up again...

For the record, I do like some things about my life; I really do have a lot to be thankful for. And I'm not going to do anything like suicide. But, I do feel like the hope of things getting better in my life is gone.

As a final note (because I need to go make dinner) I remember learning about the book "Dante's Inferno" in a Classics class in college. And in the book, I remember the author making the point that the worst part about Hell was not the flames, not the constant pain and suffering and agony experienced by the people there. No, the worst part about Hell was that there was no hope that things would ever get any better. That's why the entrance over the passage way to Hell read, "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate" or "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here". And truly, with the way my life has gone the past 5 years now, I do truly feel that I've passed through Purgatory and into a much more horrible existence.

I have been experiencing symptoms of IBS since I was a child. It seems to run on my mothers side of the family, and lucky me. It is significantly gotten worse over the last couple of years. I have a variety of different symptoms, and it is always different. Sometimes I can just use the bathroom, and feel 100 percent better. On the other hand, lately it makes me very sick to my stomach, overheated and weak. I am in my early 30's have had 3 children, I found that it completly subsided during my pregnancies. I am on no current mediation except for acid reflux, nothing has ever seemed to work. I have been diagnosed since the age of 14 and am tried of it running my life. I have noticed though that it seems to completly drain me of energy, and no sleep is ever enough. I have quit smoking, it didn't help. I have quit caffeine, it didn't help. I have never been able to pinpoint and specific foods, stress does it, but not all the time. So, I give up, anyone with any advice on somethings that help them I would appreciate the help!!!

For the past two days, I've finally been able to resume my meditation with a new perspective and enthusiasm.

It's all because I got this new book (not written in English, though) in which the master/author has so beautifully rekindled my passion for it and my hope to give it another try.

So I tried. And OMG, I realized now much I've slipped! I couldn't quiet down at all for the first night. LOL. But then again, it's pretty normal, so I stuck with it and sat for about half an hour. LOL, now I'm typing this up, I just realized how terribly fallen out of the wagan I've been! It wasn't like I was good at it in the first place -- but a couple years ago, I was able to sit there and 2 hours would pass by like in a finger snap, but this time around the first night it was like, half an hour was like 2 hours for me! I SOOO seriously need to get serious and start practicing daily again!

Even just with this little bit, I realized that it's starting to do me good! I've slept so well these couple days compared with before, esp. last night -- I still woke up a couple times in the middle of the night BUT I was able to fall back to sleep again, which for me is a HUGE progress; and this morning, I even feel a bit more rested than in a long time! ***Knock on wood!***

I will for sure continue with reading the book and hopefully continue with the meditation without much interruption from other priorities -- I'm going to try my best to make this stay on my priority list from now on -- so writing this down here so that I'll be more likely to stick with it.

Hope everyone's doing well.

Cherrie

I haven't been posting for a few months, when I came back I found that all my blog and my login were gone! So here I am, starting brand new again
I had finished my hypnotic CDs around october last year, I guess it did help a bit, I still have IBS-C episode but not as frequent during the sessions. It came back this year though, I have two very bad episodes last month so I may do the hypnotic sessions again.

The two bad episodes may have caused by me introducing coffee again into my system. I missed coffee. So after months of OK life, I tried to drink a small amount of mild coffee, irish creme (used to be one of my favourite without the alcohol of course). I was ok for the first two days, so I figured maybe I AM getting better! Well, I was working at my client that day, had a small cup of irish creme in the morning, the day seems to go well until around 3pm, a bad epidsode came. I just moved two hours away from the city, so no one at work was willing to drive me home A few guys offer to take me to the hospital. So I took a taxi, warned the cab driver that just in case I cannot handle my pain he might need to take me to the closest hospital on the way. He was very good about it, most comforting is that he has a pretty good GPS. The ride costs me 100 bucks Oh and my hubby, Doug, I took the car that morning and drove to the GO bus station, so he didn't have the car. But then I wouldn't want to wait two hours for him to come pick me up, at rush hour too and he won't be able to find parking and all. I would probably make my way home before he made it in to downtown Toronto to pick me up.

I moved, first because of my dog, I have a lovely Akita, too big to live in a city condo with me! And Doug, well, he is a big man And i have enough of city life. Since I got sick, in my mind I always think it must be all the pollutions and stress in the city that's why I got sick. So there I am, we moved out of our tiny condo and bought a house in the suburb. Ride some horses, play some golf, pick some fruits in the summer sounds pretty good to me. But two hours commuting though is not really what I wanted.

Although without my constant IBS, I still need to deal with my severe menstrual pain. When I was having a full time job, being sick every months doesn't really make things at work any better. It kills my career advancement opportunities. Although I worked extra hard during the non-sick days, but well, I cannot work when I am in pain, so too bad. Now I am running my own business, being an independent consultant is different but the same. I still need to work, the different is, I got sick, I don't work, I don't get pay. So the more I am sick, the more money I lost. So I decided to expand on my business, so even when I am sick there will still be income. That's take works, it doesn't happen overnight, it probably doesn't happen over a year if not two. Without the frequent IBS though, last few months I was able to get a few clients, built this website wizebiz.ca, and the site is generating me a few bucks here and there every months. As I am all encourage but the little progress I've made, made plans and get all enthusiatic about start to implement them and all, I got my episode back, this time along with my toothache!

Periods days now become even more dreadful then the last few months Seems like everything is back to square one, I am sick again. I just took two 400mg advil, I have tynenol 3 from my dentist, but I know it will constipate me even more. The last thing I want is another episode, so I will pass on the tynenol and just overdose myself with what I know works. I am really sick of being sick. I feel that it is preventing me to pursue my dream. My short term goal is to be able to work at home, have my business generating 100,000 all remotely in a year, I hate slaving away with a boss looking after my shoulder at their location with fix hours a day. That is slavery. No money can exchange freedom for me. Never a full time job. Well, my contract work with the TTC just like a full time, even worst with the independent contracting risks, except that the money is good, which I got to be healthy to get! My confident is beating up with all the episodes and menstrual pain. I need to stop being in pain

Well, let's start with a (somewhat) good note!
I got my Prevacid sent over to the pharmacy I use near home, and got it refilled. Only problem is, I really don't know if it works all that well... I was off of it for 2-3 days at the beginning of the week, but even before then I notice that some days (like now!) I get TERRIBLE pains from acid reflux. Of course, it doesn't matter what I did or didn't have (even though I have cut out all pure juice and acidic food), something (always in the early morning too...) will get it going and I have to put up with it for the rest of the day...

What to do?? I don't know... It's not like I can pop a Tums or anything... Unless someone knows of something I CAN take?? I know you're not allowed to take regular OTC antacids while on Prevacid.

Anyways, if that wasn't enough....

I just feel so BLAH! I finally realized I can't sleep most nights because my stomach constantly hurts! I can't recall if I said that before, but it's been going on for weeks now and I just give up - I'm out of my prescription sleeping pills, and tried a double dose of my prescription Valium. I really can't experiment much more than that, that's for sure! I just do my best to get comfortable and whenever I feel restless, I get up and leave the bedroom so I don't disturb anyone.
I don't know how much it'll help right away, but when we move, I'm DEFINITELY keeping the computer OUT of the bedroom! Spending my day working in the bedroom probably doesn't help me to sleep in here considering I have issues with being contacted at any hour of the day/night.

But then I still feel hot and restless too... I can't understand it. Should I get a sleep study done?? Seems that more often now, whenever my blood pressure rises in the slightest, I start to sweat like a pig! Which, honestly, isn't normal for me! I could honestly go 3-4 days without a shower and not smell.... Sadly, I am saying that from experience, but because I physically couldn't drag myself into the shower, and I DID ask Jeff to smell me and let me know if I smelled bad or not, LOL.

So yes, it's VERY weird. I had just been sitting at the computer a couple times this week when I suddenly felt overwhelmed and dripping with sweat - but my windows are open and I have a breeze blowing right towards me! *shrugs*

I did get the call about doing the hospital Psych. program (trying again), but now I seriously DON'T know what to do! I mean, I did decide it's finally time to get help, regardless. I talked to Jeff about it, and he doesn't really care that I do it (it is an all day every day thing, so work will need to be negotiated and done in the evenings and weekends), but now I'm like OMG, what about the dog?!
He's never been left alone for longer than maybe an hour-ish, and needs to go out frequently (like every other hour - because for some reason he only squats once then comes in, then decides an hour later that he needs to do more) - I don't know what to do about it. I mean, we could find a sitter or something, but it's going to be a big deal because I have to do this Monday - Friday for a couple months! *sigh*

When will I be able to get help? I really don't know...

I'm thinking I may just splurge with the Visa and try out the CBT CDs or something... but thing is, I need it for my mental health more than anything! I'm seriously screwed up and need monitoring and reassurance. I REALLY don't know what to do... And it's not like I refuse to believe my own feelings are legit; the problem is that I have people surrounding me that make me feel guilty for not taking care of them instead of myself, which just throws off this entire process. I have bought self-help books on being happy and learning to do things for myself, but the problem is that I feel "programmed" to believe that's not the case and that happiness is just good luck and can only just 'happen' to you. I don't even know if I'm describing it right... but that's what makes this situation so complicated - I can't just sit and talk to someone anymore and pop pills, I need more!

Anyways, that's a bit off my chest for now.. I'm just glad it's Friday and the beginning of a long weekend for us! Monday is Family Day (the new national holiday that was declared for Canada starting last year), and Jeff has an optional day off which he decided to take on Tuesday. While we're still debating on going to a hotel for one night for V day (because of the dog...), it's just going to be a long, relaxing weekend. That and we'll be going back to the new building to meet with the Super and hand in our stuff! Moving is exciting... except for the actual move itself!

Any suggestions from readers are most certainly welcome BTW! I come here to vent about my problems because I really don't know what to do - otherwise, it wouldn't be a problem, right? Tis true....

Hope everyone has a good weekend! Even if you're single, take a nice long bath and indulge will ya! Hehe...

Okay, this is not just about my IBS... First of all, i just recently had a bad IBS flare up with unbearable pain and now my period refuses to end and my left-side and navel is getting more and more painful again after feeling better yesterday! I'm not sure if it's my IBS or if it's my hormones or what on earth it is this time anymore now!

Sigh. I just don't get it. I did nothing to cause my period to not end on time -- and frankly because of numerous pervious bad experiences (when I was younger I had so many times of having to go from dr. to dr. and from treatment to treatment about my never-ending period), I'm starting to freak out about the period thing. I'll see if it's gonna end in a few days, if not, I'm calling my OB/GYN! Sigh, the thing is, here in the U.S., they just give you hormone pills to deal with it after all those expensive tests... Now I really wish I could see a good TCM dr. like the two who treated me effectively (after so many western medicine dr. failed) when i was a teen. Sigh, that can't happen at this time and in this place... But the pain could as well be my gut -- it's not where the uterus is, but my left side and my navel... I don't know. I just want to live like a normal person my age. Is that too much to ask?!

Anyways, sorry about the venting... praying that things will get better in a few days... I know it's silly of me, but at this point I'm so ready to scream: "Why me??? I want all this to stop!!!"

Well, I've been okay for the most part lately...

Started taking my stool softener again on a daily basis starting last week... Don't think it's making any difference, but whatever. I'm just so annoyed and frustrated with my BMs right now!

It's right there, and I have the biggest urge, but I can't push it! I don't have the energy, nor do I want to strain pushing, but that's the only way it'll move. I told the receptionist at my GI's office to let him know of this, but I haven't been instructed for anything.

I just never realized how ANNOYING it is to run to the bathroom because I feel I need to go NOW, but then give up after a few minutes because it won't move on it's own. TWICE I ran yesterday... eventually did have to work up the ability to push. This is pathetic!

I told the GI to make sure he looks at pelvic floor or any other issue I may be having... I noticed the need to strain before with C, but now it's like nothing will move at all because of the colonoscopy being done!

If that's not enough, my tummy's still doing those weird waves of cramps again... I'm not full blown flaring, it's just a constant reminder from my stomach, which is really p**sing me off!

So lately the worrying has become more about my financial/employment situation.. We did find a place that's a bit bigger (but with 2 balconies! wow!), and even though it's a ways away from here, it's over $100 cheaper including utilities and indoor(!! I didn't have indoor) parking. It's also a pet friendly place - I raised my concern about noise (my dogs just VERY loud and vocal) and whatnot, but they said there's nothing to worry about and that there are a lot of dogs in the building anyways. That much was a relief... because I know that when I gave my notice here, the super did respond (in a weird way...) about me commenting that no one here will have to listen to him freaking out anymore...

As far as I know, no one has complained, but she was kind of like "yes, he won't be bothering anyone anymore!". Whatever that means... oh well...
He DOES bark at everything he hears - from the elevator to cars outside... And while I constantly yell at him to stop because I don't want to be evicted, I can't blame the dog!

Well, now we'll be moving to the 15th floor... he shouldn't have much to bark about! LOL In fact, he might just be over stimulated stepping out onto a balcony so high up!

So we move for April 1st... I'm excited because it's a change! The building isn't gorgeous or anything, but simple and I'm sure it won't be hard to make it "homey". I'm just glad that for the first time ever I will be living in a building that has garbage chutes on every floor, and a laundry room with MORE THAN 3 MACHINES! Yeesh! Makes this place look really bad...
And it just so happens that starting last week, they offer a promotion for last months free rent! So, we're literally moving in and paying month to month, no need to work up a hefty deposit! That's even MORE money in our pockets!

So anyways, getting distracted while trying to write the entry.... Been battling the insomnia for at least a week now *sigh* I slept in as I usually would on Saturday morning, even with the lack of hours of sleep... then ended up literally passing out between 1 - 5 pm! I couldn't believe it!
The worst part is, I slept in Sunday too and was still so tired...

Let me say: I AM SOOO HAPPY that it's so nice and warm!!! But apparently the warmth got to me last night and I was tossing and turning... I kicked off the blankets, but didn't help. Why do I get so restless so easy?!
Couldn't find my sleeping pills (mind you, I was looking in the dark) last night, but they don't seem to work anymore anyways so whatever, I guess...

I'm just tired and a little gross. I ran out of Prevacid (it's not covered at all, so a month's worth is like $65!) a couple days ago, so now I'm getting nasty heartburn... I'm worried. At least I do have some Tums around - I know I couldn't take those with the Prevacid, but I can try them for now until I get the pills refilled.

Woo, it's warm!! I'm starting to sweat inside here! I will happily open the windows though! I guess I'm just hoping the sun light and warm weather will perk me up for now...

The gastric emptying of liquids is easier and faster than solids and can be caused by exercise (rocking on sides). This reduction in nutrient absorption brings about a decrease in blood sugar. In order to prove gastric emptying, blood glucose was tested after coffee and after the TD step in the procedure: a 50 ml/dL rise in blood sugar occurred (S.D.=15, n=9). The catecholamine response to hypoglycemia was assessed in rats undergoing celiac-superior mesenteric ganglionectomy (CSMG). After recovering from the surgery, the animals were exposed to a hyperinsulinemic-hypoglycemic clamp, with insulin infused peripherally via the jugular vein. In all animals, systemic hypoglycemia was induced. When hypoglycemia was induced in sham-operated control animals, epinephrine was observed to rise from a basal value of 0.84+/-0.10 to 25.18+/-1.24 nmol/l. CSMG animals demonstrated a significant suppression in the epinephrine response to whole-body hypoglycemia

The gastric emptying of coffee (caffeine) causes Insulin (INS) exocytosis. Caffeine is a ryanodine receptor agonist and has recently been shown to increase luminal Ca(2+), causing INS release. The decrease in blood sugar by INS causes epinephrine (in the liver) to stimulate/raise the blood sugar levels. Epinephrine raises Blood Pressure by 30 mmHg before TD (traction device) and above baseline BP. Epinephrine also causes increases in neural impulses along the vagus nerve, releasing ACh (acetylcholine). The enteric nervous system is like a sausage grinder--ACh is the input, and the output is spike bursts, moving the bolus along. TD stretches the ligaments and facet joints of the neck, giving 1 mm of relief. TD produces a Head UP Tilt position that can increases epinephrine. This brings about a palpable right colon contraction which would increase intra-mural pressure and be the equivalent of increased proximal colon distension. IGLE's (intra-ganglionic laminar efferents) are driven by stretch and project to the NTS, and then to the DMV (dorsal motor nucleus of the vagus).

Distension of the proximal colon induces Fos expression as a marker of neuronal activity. TH+ (catecholaminergic--ex. Adrenaline) IR (immuno-reactive) neurons were double labeled with FosIR by 42% during proximal colon distension. TH-positive cells were constituted large neurons preferentially localized in the medial subnucleus. GABAergic small neurons were located around the large cells , which represented 50% of small cells in this sub nucleus. Large cells originate the efferents from the mNTS suggesting that GABAergic small neurons might regulate output from the mNTS. GABA(A) receptor blockade in the area of the medial sub nucleus of the NTS produced robust decreases in gastric motility. Therefore, an increase in TH-positive activity by proximal colon stretch may increase GABA to counteract the former cells, and in so doing, may cause gastric emptying. Norepinephrine (caused by a GABA blocker increasing TH-positive output) in the DMV counteracts the vasovagal gastric contractile response that causes stomach contraction.

Well, I pretty much found out that there's nothing that will be done about the tortuous sigmoid... which is actually surprising to me considering it's something obvious that can probably be treated in several different ways. I'm trying my best to ignore it, but now being able to pinpoint the spasms in my side (on top of regular cramps & discomfort in the pit - my interpretation of the below the belly button area) only makes me groan and ask "why?".

I think I'm in for a vent... haven't been feeling great for a few days now...
It's not even that I'm "flaring", I'm just having constant discomfort. I'll be sitting here at my computer during the day and working, and every 20 minutes or so, I'll feel a "flutter" in my stomach which just automatically triggers a wave of pain. It comes and goes just like that, but it's so damn annoying! It's just a constant reminder that no matter what I'm doing, or what I'm focusing on, that there's a problem there. Like I REALLY needed to be reminded....

It's bad enough my butt hurts sitting at my desk for certain periods of time, regardless of the fact that I bought a nice comfy cushion for it...

I do like to think of myself as someone who does at least give things a try before writing them off. In this case, I'm referring to different forms of "treatment" for IBS. For months, I was taking stool softeners and laxatives DAILY, as told by doctors... but it never helped. So then I was told to do fiber supplements on top of that... which I did, but it was so painful on my chest that my GERD would act up and I'd be in agony all day long. Either way, I persisted long enough to see if it made any difference. Nothing has.

I must also mention that when I was told to take in more fiber with the pills, I took it upon myself to add Benefiber to my drinking water daily; same goes for foods. I even made a bunch of homemade banana bread using Bran flakes, and had a slice of that for breakfast every morning. Absolutely no change...
I also have been watching my foods... trying to eliminate certain groups of things that I'm sure are bothering me, but there's been no drastic change. I do know what foods settle well with me, and I also know how to adapt my favorite (yet trigger) foods so that they are edible and only leave me with minimal upset. Mind you, those kinds of things (like pizza) are left for the weekends, when (as far as I am concerned) I'm allowed to let go and have free time with no schedule and/or anywhere to be.

Anyways, I had to say that... and I've gone through these things time after time and again... I can't tell you how many times I went back on Metamucil or something like that for a few months at a time just to humor the doctor who told me to try it because it's the answer. Well, you know what, it doesn't help me AT ALL!
And now, once again, I'm listening to "take fiber", "eat a healthy diet" & "exercise".
Oh really?!?!

1) "take fiber": Well, I just explained my reasons for it. You do need to start small and work your way up, but it is more pain and discomfort for me than any help. Even when I took it while my problem was D, I managed to pass liquid in my pants without even knowing it! With C, absolutely nothing! Just like how I still can't go every day even though I take stool softeners and laxatives on a daily basis.

2) "eat a healthy diet": BWWWWWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OK, first off, WHAT exactly is a healthy diet, and by WHO's standards?? Do you know how many times I've heard what's good AND bad about everything in existence? I give up... I will admit I don't eat a "great" diet (in most people's eyes), but you know what? I KNOW I'm missing certain vitamins and nutritional value, so I DO make up for it by taking supplements every single day. In fact, I have had my levels checked a few times (blood test) since the whole IBS situation began, and my levels come out perfectly healthy. There have been barely any concerns based on my blood test results (iron is a little low, but not concernedly "you need to take iron pills" low). And you know what? I'm happy with that.
Another thing - there are a lot of fruits and vegetables I can't touch because A ) acid from fruit triggers my GERD (only "juice" I can have is iced green tea), B ) leafy greens are NOT easily digestible and cause me to be painfully bloated for days! And yes, I know this from experience.
I've been told that I need to just follow the Food Guide lines and eat those leafy greens anyways - "don't worry, your body just has to get used to them!". Used to them?? I don't think that's the problem.... When I came home from Thunder Bay and did my diary so that I had control over my IBS, I was DYING to have a chicken Caesar salad - so I did. BIG MISTAKE! I felt 10 months pregnant and could not eat for 2 days because of it. Sorry, but I'm not going to put up with that because according to some, THAT is the healthy diet (because it doesn't work with IBS! Yeesh! Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself?).

3) "exercise": I'd love to... really! I'm even still keeping my eye out (haven't seen it in stock anywhere) for Wii Fit so that I can do some yoga at home in front of the TV. I love the idea... mostly because it's suitable for me. I can go out and walk a couple of blocks no problem... but when I physically do too much, my stomach starts to spasm and I feel like I need to 'go'. And it becomes very painful. This is not my fault! I wish I knew what exactly was going on, but I don't.... and you know what, I'd rather just avoid the pain altogether instead of "working out" and trying to build a tolerance to it. I'm sorry, but there's no way someone (as it has been said a few times...) can tell me that exercise is going to help IBS.
By the way, I don't actually get to pass any stool when my stomach acts up in these conditions - I literally just cramp up inside. So running a circle to make myself feel like I need to go to the bathroom does not work.

In other words, the above is basically me saying I'm sick of listening to people who know NOTHING about what it's like to live this way. I've tried SO hard to be optimistic through the whole thing... but now that someone's finally done a colonoscopy and does not give me any feedback on how to deal with my evacuation problems in the meantime is extremely disgusting to me, and shows that there's no hope and that the system thinks absolutely nothing about having this kind of problem.
I understand there's no way to diagnose IBS because you can't see it - it is purely a functional problem. Just like the tortuous sigmoid, even though that is visible, my body is not normal and typically speaking PAIN is the result of having abnormal organs. Why it seems like rocket science to be considerate of is beyond me... I'm done trying to explain it.

Right now, my depression and anxiety (mostly anxiety, end result is depression, of course ie. feeling like a useless excuse for a human being) are causing my stomach to be on edge with IBS... I know because I can literally feel the rage from my anxiety go straight down into my stomach every time something happens. I problem is, I'm beginning to consider an alternate escape now that I realize I've reached the end of the road in terms of being in control of myself. I feel that soon enough, if I am to blow again, I will lose myself.
But I don't know what to do... I was going to go to the consult to get into CBT, but it's going to cost me $200 just for the one hour consult! I can't afford that... Which is ridiculous in my opinion because I'm in a position where I'm not an "acceptable" working person because of these problems, but I need the money to get help. Hopefully my psychiatrist (who I finally see tomorrow afternoon) can help give me some guidance... I truly feel hopeless right now...
The other problem, as I blatantly mentioned, is that my anxiety is now showing itself as rage. I don't know what to do when it happens, I just know that my heart beats so fast that I can feel my face go red, and I have an instant adrenaline rush, and have absolutely no idea what to do with it. This is what worries me if I start to feel like that all the time...

Right now, I am trying to ignore the outside world and focus on what's important at hand (home, job, etc.), but it still bothers me that I have no self-esteem, or even motivation to indulge for myself or find something fun and relaxing to do in my free time. It seems I sleep more than anything when I have free time because I'm always weak and tired, and have troubles getting to sleep during the week without a good sedative.

Maybe this is my cry for help.... what kind of help, I don't know... I just know none of this is right and not a way to live... I want to be better than this, but can't fight it anymore...