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Parent who seems nonsupportive- how to deal?

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#1 Destinie

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Posted 12 December 2013 - 09:31 AM

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This year I found out *officially* that I have IBS along side Inflamed small bowels and Clinical Gluten Intolerance. Which I'm actually glad to have a name to put to the stuff I've been dealing with my whole life. But now I feel like I lack support from my father. My relationship with my father has always been kind of rocky because he divorced my mother when I was young and I've always been emotionally distant from him. Now, he's my only living parent. My husband is incredibly supportive of me and always tries to help with my 'issues' and even eats GF with me. He's wonderful.

 

My father who basically sucks out any pleasant emotions I may have when I see him. He always makes jokes that are inappropriate and make me feel bad but I don't have the energy to tell him to knock it off. (I won't go into details here.) My main issue is that I feel like he is completely not supportive at all for what I am going through. Honestly, I don't like going to visit him because he will end up complaining. He says various things that really hurt my ego like:

 

(to my husband) "She's such high maintenance, are you sure you want to marry her?"

 

"I don't know what you can eat! This is so frustrating! What a pain!" 

 

(asks me to pick out a restaurant we can eat at.) "This place is so expensive! You have expensive taste! *other complaints*"

 

"Ughhh You can't eat ANYTHING!" 

 

Meanwhile, I've asked him to read certain literature and such and I just don't feel like seeing him. I don't want to be guilt-tripped into going to visit him so he can complain about me being high maintenance. I'm really lucky that my husband is understanding but I also want my father to be understanding, too. Unfortunately I feel like it would mean him going through a whole personality change. 

 

Any advice?

 

 



#2 IndianRopeTrick

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Posted 26 December 2013 - 11:58 PM

It seems that your dad is the hard-headed types, ie the one to be avoided. This is what I would try - Make one last attempt to explain things to him. Get a doctor along or something like that. If he does not understand, then don't waste your time or energy on him. Just ignore him and get his venomous influence out of your life. 

 

good luck.


IBS Free after about 8 years ! Now, I am living with a small Hiatal hernia and fixing my sleep problems. Not too bad.


#3 Destinie

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Posted 30 December 2013 - 12:25 PM

Thanks! I think bringing him in to talk to a doctor with me is an excellent idea!



#4 Kathleen M.

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Posted 30 December 2013 - 12:43 PM

My snarky side would get a notebook and very obviously  begin taking notes to use when/if he needs long term care as to what kinds of things he feels are unimportant considerations about how to care for a loved one with an illness.

 

Sort of the, you weren't planning on using me as the one making your medical and care decisions when you can't make those decisions for yourself, because I don't think you really want me to make the same decisions for you that you continue to assume you have the right to make for me kinda thing.  The I have no problem being an agent of Karma when you are vulnerable and would want someone to have your back, but that is a pretty snarky way of dealing with it, and may not change anything but might be a wake up call if he is capable of being awoken.

 

He may not be willing to be inconvienced for anyone about anything, so it may be a "how do I not let his personality deficits bother me" rather than can I manage to change him so much he will actually care.

 

It may also be worth seeing if your husband would be willing to do say something rather than ignore the derogatory comments made towards you.  Some men have to hear it from another man because no woman can tell them anything, ever.  Although that may mean he'll just start demeaning your husband more than he may already do.


My story of beating IBS: My Story with IBS
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#5 Destinie

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Posted 07 January 2014 - 04:59 PM

...

He may not be willing to be inconvienced for anyone about anything, so it may be a "how do I not let his personality deficits bother me" rather than can I manage to change him so much he will actually care.

...

 

This describes him to a "T".  I am working on distancing myself again and trying to keep his toxicity at arm's length.

 

Thank you for the reply. ;o;



#6 thebigboo

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Posted 23 January 2014 - 11:35 AM

I just wanted to say that you are not alone!  I have a very unsupportive mother... to the extent that she deliberately cooks things that I have said are triggers for me. She says its all in my head. I'm sure many of us have heard this before.

She seemed to get it a little when she saw me losing weight over the holidays because I was unable to eat food.

 

In any case, sometimes, there are going to be people who just will never understand or never will change. The best we can do is control our own situation, set boundaries, and accept that we can't change their minds. I liken it to hitting your head on a brick wall --- which is going to break first!? :-)



#7 Bekahb86

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Posted 29 January 2014 - 01:19 AM

                  .



#8 Destinie

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Posted 05 February 2014 - 03:48 PM

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear these things @Bekahb and @thebigboo but thanks for the words of support. Same to you both! :( 



#9 hkmacable

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 10:24 AM

My Nan is a little like this, because she's had IBS for years and it doesn't seem that severe she makes jokes about the fact that I shouldn't do this, or if you can do that you can't have IBS. She also doesn't seem to get how confused I am about the whole thing (I was only diagnosed a month ago) so its frustrating I know!



#10 IndianRopeTrick

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Posted 17 April 2014 - 10:57 PM

 My boyfriend is losing patience with me as I'm constantly depressed, irritable, and can not be intimate with him. I feel like I'm falling apart.

 

I wonder if girls feel that way too when the guy is in a bad shape. Perhaps relationships are more about "what can you do for me" and less about "its great to be with you".

If you feel that you have no one to talk to, please try to find people near you or on this forum. Let it all out. 

take care.


IBS Free after about 8 years ! Now, I am living with a small Hiatal hernia and fixing my sleep problems. Not too bad.


#11 doggo

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Posted 10 December 2017 - 12:39 PM

It seems that your dad is the hard-headed types, ie the one to be avoided. This is what I would try - Make one last attempt to explain things to him. Get a doctor along or something like that. If he does not understand, then don't waste your time or energy on him. Just ignore him and get his venomous influence out of your life. 

 

good luck.

My parents think if I "just ate lots of vegetables and had a positive attitude" my problems would go away.  As if it's my fault.  They are old fashioned types but it's hard when you're a financially dependent college student, and have been very close with them your whole life. 



#12 Downhell

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 10:33 AM

Hi Destinie,

 

I'm sorry to hear your dad comes off as inconsiderate. It's hard enough dealing with these problems without having people in our lives make it worse for us. Is he aware of the severity of your symptoms when you eat things you can't tolerate? Maybe in an effort to not give away "too much information", or to not be a complainer, you have downplayed what happens to you when you eat the wrong thing? I don't know you, so that might not be the case. If so, though, maybe it's time to give him the gory details so that he understands where you're coming from and that you're not being petty and that you get quite sick. Just throwing out advice here. Take it or leave it. And good luck!







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