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IBS-C Depression Self hate Self loathing Alienating behavior Drugs Anxiety

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#1 SmallGhoul


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Posted 17 January 2018 - 02:24 PM

I'm currently getting over my fifth flare up of IBS-C. And it was a miserable process as usual. Im going to write about it. I ate a bowl of honey nut cheerios with whole milk. Went to sleep early, so i could wake up at 2 am for work at 3 am. My phone ringing woke me up around 8 pm or so. It was my ex-boyfriend. I told him i was sleeping and went back to it. But it was about 10 minutes later that i felt the pain. Bloated but tight, a constricting and heavy pain. It really is hard to describe for me. I got out of bed, took one dicyclomine 20 mg tablet and one cyclobenzaprine 10 mg tablet. Made my way downstairs and made a mug of chamomile lemongrass tea with a little honey. No change in pain, moving makes it worse. Went back upstairs. My mind was reeling thinking about being at work like this or if i should call out. Scaring myself over losing my job because of this. An endless cycle in my head. One of the only things that has ever relieved the pain, even though its so fleeting and the pain is only gone maybe 20 seconds, is masturbating. So im crying in bed masturbating to the point of pain because that pain is less than my ibs pain. After i went numb i went downstairs again, drank 60 ml of milk of magnesia to try to feel some relief. It didnt help. I rolled in bed and cried. I live with my parents, and i get worried that I'll wake them. It makes me nervous and i feel ashamed. Like I've done something wrong. It was around 1 am that reality was bearing down on me. "You have to go to work nobody is awake to go to work you have to go in you cant call out there's nothing you can do you have to go to work". My head hurt so bad my pain was only getting worse from me stressing out and all i could do was scream into my bed and cry. Pitying myself so much. Wanting to just go take every drug in my cupboard just so i wont have to feel the pain anymore. I felt hopeless. I tried to call my manager, co-worker, and assistant manager but like i mentioned it was 1 am. They were sleeping. Relying on me to go in for the shift. I started to vomit and it was nonstop. Very quickly it turned to bile coming up and then nothing. Just gagging and crying. I knew i had to go into work. So i got dressed, angry at myself the whole time. Shaking, crying, and hunched over trying to pull up my jeans. I know i looked pathetic. I got my clothes on, went downstairs made another cup of tea to try to distract myself. Sat at the table and then my mom came downstairs. Asked if "my tummy was upset". It made me angry that she saw my pain as just an upset tummy. It feels like my world is ending. Like i could die from it. I drove to work. It was hard to focus I'm sure i wasn't staying in one lane but i at least was on the right side of the road. I walk into my job, only night crew was in. I clocked in, clutching my bad to my gut as a small comfort, got my invoices and scanning gun and went back downstairs. I tried. I feel like i tried really hard. But i couldnt do it. The pain was too much and realizing there would be people surrounding me in mere hours terrified me. I left. I was there for barely 10 minutes. Walked in side my house after yelling at myself in the car and told my mom i couldnt do it and that i was sorry. She said "for what" so apathetically my 14 year old self would have been proud. But my 22 year old sad and in agony self was just hurt more. I stumbled upstairs, tore my clothes off, vomitted into my trash can, laid in bed, and cried. She came in a little later with a xanax so i took that along with one tramadol 50mg tablet. I wanted to sleep and wake up and feel better. Of course i hardly slept. Just sort of drifted above sleep but still conscious enough to feel pain. Eventually the rest of the house woke up. My sister gave me a heating pad. Dad went to work. Mom went to the store. I asked for pedialyte when it was apparent that i couldnt keep water down. I didnt eat at all that day. Just stayed in bed clutching my heating pad. It was awful. Its always awful. Second day was slightly better. Around 6 pm i ate plain green beans with saffron rice. Hardly any really but still, i ate and kept it down. It took forever and wasnt satisfying or tasty but i did it. Restless sleep. Basically thats all i can do i try to sleep but its never good. Being unconscious always feels like a better alternative than awake though. Im on my third day. Called out of work the last 2 days. I was scheduled off today. A coworker who is my friend called, i let it go to voicemail. He demanded i call him. Said i have to talk to him urgently. I didnt call. It would just cause me more stress. My exboyfriend called again. Asked if i would meet him to talk. I said i dont know. My best friend was bit in the face by a dog at her grooming job. I still havent seen her. Is this what it will be like for the rest of my life? Living regularly then all of a sudden extreme pain with no way to cope? Ignoring people i care about, pushing them away, and hating them for not understanding me? Hating myself for existing. What helps?

Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: IBS-C, Depression, Self hate, Self loathing, Alienating behavior, Drugs, Anxiety


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