Posted 21 February 2018 - 09:31 PM
TW: drug addition, self harm, eating disorders
No matter how scary this is, know that I am safe right now and being closely monitored by doctors.
Hi. I made this account years ago and haven't used it since for some reason.
I have basically an amalgamation of different disorders, both mental and physical.
Let me try to sum this up as quickly as possible:
I am stuck with the task of both dealing with my mental and physical health while both are in shambles. If I attend to one, the other will flare. I do not have the resources right now to attend to both. I am a total mental case, to be quite honest. I would really like to be a robot and just not deal with these meatsacks that we call bodies.
Right now, I am coping with things by making myself as constipated as I possibly can. I take three different medications (Imodium, Bentyl, and Pepto) multiple times a day to just function. Not even function well.
I'm also living off of rice crackers and Ensure.
I did not have an ideal childhood (to say the least) and am coping with C-PSTD and major control issues.
I started having IBS-D symptoms in 2013. It came out of the middle of nowhere. Just one day, boom, IBS.
I already had a phobia of vomiting, so naturally the d freaked me out. It also was, and still is, incredibly painful at the end. Like, I have a high pain tolerance and it reduces me to tears because it's just bile.
The OCD got involved and it's become my main obsession/compulsion system for the last five years of my life. Every day.
Needless to say, this has had a major impact on my life.
I haven't had any kind of testing of any sort done, mainly because the process of a colonoscopy reduces me to a primal panic where I may hurt myself or others. If I could have it done at a hospital, I would've. Just sedate me enough and do whatever needs to be done.
Last year, I was hospitalized three times because of the amount of Imodium I was taking. You see, when something gets caught as an OCD obsession, it magnifies it to absurd levels. Like, well into irrational and almost psychotic levels.
So, I was taking nearly 200 tablets of Imodium a day. It was stupid. I knew it was. Everyone around me told me it was stupid.
If anyone wonders, an Imodium high isn't really enjoyable at all. I was very sleepy all the time and had extreme muscle weakness to the point where I couldn't raise my arms over my head.
I last got out of the hospital in August after spending almost a week there for seizures induced by the Imodium and was doing really well on a new antidepressant (Anafranil) until I had an IBS symptom flare and things just kind of fell apart again from there.
My family has a history of IBS-D. My dad has it, as do at least two of my paternal aunts and two of my paternal cousins. It looks like a portion of it is a genetic thing.
Somehow, I was able to live on my own (though I now live with my parents) and complete a BFA in photography. I have friends. I am looking for a job. I am physically healthy aside from everything else. I ride my bike about four miles a day. I sleep normally.
Other than just getting this out of my system, I want to know if anyone else has gone through a similar experience. I'm on Paxil, Xanax and Anafranil for my mental issues. I also have a script for Risperdal, an atypical antipsychotic. I haven't started those because a. I don't want to be on another medication and b. I don't want to gain weight (Hello, childhood eating disoder. So nice to see you).
I just don't know how to begin to unravel this mess.
Posted 22 February 2018 - 08:42 AM
Posted 23 February 2018 - 01:16 PM
I know that we can be controlled by our fears. Thats the wicked rollercoaster we go through.
And all this pent up anguish is DIRECTLY related to our gut health.
If you can find a good acupuncturist please give it a try??
And also a good massage once a month?
Walk walk walk! Breathe! Obsess on any GOOD memory. I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on right now!
This may all seem trite. If so- my apologies. Honestly Im so lucky to be alive that I am just thankful to be here and have good friends and (some) family.
You are not alone. Just know that.
Now- breathe! In 6 seconds. (If possible) Slow. Out 6 seconds slow. Do it again after a few normal breaths.....