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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The horrible IBS flare I had last Christmas has caused me to develop an irrational fear of most anything that may lead to another one. I am afraid to take meds because I fear they'll upset my stomach. I am afraid to eat many foods and it's hard for me to try new foods because I am afraid to eat something that will trigger my IBS. I am absolutely terrified of antibiotics because there's only ever been one kind that didn't make me really sick (penicillin) and I am now allergic to it. Every other antibiotic I have ever had has made me horribly sick, just awful diarrhea and some make me vomit (especially on an empty stomach). I get extremely scared whenever I feel my IBS acting up. Whenever I feel that rumbling in my stomach, queasy feeling I get just before a bad diarrhea episode I get scared, but I also get scared when I start feeling constipated, too at least when it makes me feel crampy, bloated, and nauseous. I think nausea and vomiting are my biggest fears. I think I might even be slightly emetophobic, because I pretty much have anxiety attacks when I feel like I might vomit, it scares me so much. I just got the results of my annual pelvic exam and pap smear back and it was normal, but the doctor found that I have bacterial vaginosis and said I could either wait and see if it goes away on it's own or I can go on a week of antibiotics. I will be calling her an telling her I want to wait and see, because the thought of going on antibiotics terrifies me. But if it doesn't go away by itself I'll have to take the antibiotics and I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to take them because I know they make my stomach really upset. Being afraid of medications is not a good thing, sometimes they are necessary to keep you alive and if I am afraid of them and can't bring myself to take them, depending on what kind of medication it is, I could potentially put my life in danger because of an irrational fear of being sick and of having my stomach be upset like it was during my horrible IBS flare last Christmas. I mean I am literally afraid of my IBS symptoms, afraid of abdominal pain, nausea(which I get with diarrhea and sometimes with constipation, too), diarrhea, constipation, and especially of vomiting. I am quite literally afraid of being sick, especially when it affects my stomach/bowels. This anxiety over health issues is taking over my life. I feel so trapped and I am always scared. I just want my life back!! I really do think that the IBS flare I had at Christmas has caused or at least exacerbated my anxiety concerning my health. It was traumatic, being in the emergency room, the excruciating pain, and feeling so horrible I couldn't eat anything and even drinking water made it worse, it was awful. And then just when I was starting to feel better and get back into the swing of my life, I had an ovarian cyst in March which caused me more horrible abdominal pain and diarrhea, and led to another trip to the ER. That trip to the ER was even more traumatic than the December/January ones because I had to have a CAT scan and in order for it to work I had to drink 3 16oz glasses of lemonade with contrast die in them. I got 2 down and then threw it all up. I drank the last one and then went for my CAT scan. It was awful, I kept telling the nurse I couldn't drink all that lemonade, that I was already feeling full after 1 glass, that I felt nauseous already after just 1 glass but he kept telling me I had to drink all of them, that I had to get all that dye into me so they could see what was going on inside me on the CAT scan and he got mad when I threw up the lemonade with the dye in it. It was so horrible! They also gave me morphine for the abdominal pain and everything felt totally unreal. I felt sleepy and out of it but keyed up and anxious all at once. It was so bad!! Heavy narcotics are not for me. It also took like 3 days for the morphine to get out of my system. I never want to take morphine again in my life. All in all it was an awful, traumatic experience that I never want to repeat and it has led to a lot of my health fears. I am so scared and I don't want to be scared anymore!!! It is hard not to be scared when you suffer from IBS which is such an unpredictable health condition. It also doesn't help when you have stressful, traumatic health related experiences(like my trips to the ER) that feed the fear. Does anyone else have fears like this that seem to stem from bad experiences with your health? Can anyone else relate to what I am going through? Please help me figure out what to do, because I am totally lost and have no idea what to do.
 

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Healthy anxiety is common and bad experiences can set it off (either make it a lot worse than it was or make it start up if you never had it before).Have you talked to your doctor about the anxiety? There are lots of treatments for anxiety but you won't get any of them if you don't start with a frank discussion with your doctor about how much it is interfering with your life.The problem with health anxiety is a lot of people are too scared to take the medications or go to the therapist. If you will not take medication or will not talk to the doctor you could check out any of the self help books for anxiety that are based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You want one that helps you understand the techniques and gives you the tools to practice them. It can take awhile of doing them before you see much result and the reason to get a therapist is to help you know which ones are the best for you and to check you really do know how to do them properly. If you cannot go to the library or bookstore and won't talk to the doctor there are some on-line resources http://www.psychwww.com/resource/selfhelp.htmI hope you find the help you need soon and start to feel better. Anxiety can be devastating and the anxiety can make it harder to seek treatment.
 
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Hi Jeni and a very warm welcome to the boards. First off - panic ye not, you are not alone with these fears - not by a long chalk. I have every sympathy - my IBS is so mild as to be rarely bothersome but I've had my (major) battles with anxiety/depression and had to be hospitalised for 6 weeks. I'm lucky - my depression is well addressed by anti-depressant medication which I'm probably on for life - but I'm pragmatic - I'm nearly 47 and have a husband and 3 kids and just want to be well and operational for them.You are in a horrible chicken and egg situation aren't you were the 2 conditions; IBS and anxiety are sort of feeding off each other and if you can't take medication to address either - then you are going to have to learn some coping strategies - you can't become a prisoner in your own home can you? I'd suggest having a read around the CBT part of these forums and doing some research of your own to see whether you could access any sort of talking therapy - its abit hit and miss - you may be lucky and have access to a psychologist but then again some are probably much better than others.Perhaps knowing that you are not alone might help abit - are there any local support groups for IBS and/or anxiety/depression - you'd have to google and see.I'm sorry I can't offer more specific help but you must know - you aren't alone and these forums are very supportive.All the best - stay in touch won't you.Sue, Manchester, UK
 

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hi, i to have a phobia of being sick which is worse when i get the ibs. I just keep busy to get through it. I have ibs -d and anxiety/depression. I am on seroxat which in general keeps the anxiety at bay. Had a horrible episode last week and that set off the ibs. so now doing lots of research to find a better way of living. Diet appears to be imprtant. doc has told me to cut out roughage at mo and i dont eat diary. then in 6 - 8 weeks i can reintrouduce soluble fibre. Lots of sites tell you all about it. You have to take meds if you are ill - just try some differnt ones, theres always new ones coming out. i am sorry to hear about your medical problems, it must have been truly frightening. You really need some help. Have you a family member you can talk to? Good luck with it all.Jo
 
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Hi there Jo and welcome to the boards. Interesting what you say about talking to a family member. My husband Paul was an absolute rock and tremendous support - could I talk to him though, at my very blackest - no, not really. Strangely enough, the person who (initially) helped me through the very worst of my yawningly black depression was a nursing auxiliary who used to do nights at the unit I was in for 6 weeks. In the wee smalls when I was really , really struggling in hopsital - she was absolutely there and somehow made things more bearable. Often its the least likely people who can actually help when you're on your beam end but you are right - you definately need some proper support from somewhere.Sue
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yes, proper support, that is exactly what I need. The problem is that I don't know where to find it. I am tired of being afraid to have a life because something I do might make me end up sick. I am tired of being afraid that something I do might trigger off my IBS symptoms. I am tired of this anxiety, depression, and IBS getting in the way of me living my life. I mean I get scared just by deciding I need to go to the store, or like today when I decided I need to go to the DMV and renew my driver's permit, as if something bad might happen to me if I go and do what I need to do. And I always have more fear of going out and doing things when I am having a lot of IBS issues, like today. I feel like I am constipated and having diarrhea at the same time. Like I keep having to go to the toilet, kind of having urgency, but then I can't always do anything when I get there. And I am having abdominal cramps, along with the urgency feelings. And so I am wary of going out because I feel like I might get that urgent feeling and have an accident because I can't find a toilet quick enough, or something. It is just this dread of something bad happening that I live with every day. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like these things are stealing my life away. I just wish I knew where I could get the proper support I need and I just wish I knew why I felt like something bad might happen to me whenever I am going to go somewhere. I wish I knew why I was afraid to go and do fun things like going to Wisconsin Dells with my family like I am in a couple weeks or like going to concerts like I did in July. I am even afraid to celebrate and have fun on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Part of that is because my last bad IBS flare happened at Christmas and I don't want to have another flare like that again. And also because I don't know what to do about Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner because I can't eat what my family prepares for those holiday dinners and I would have to have something separate from what everyone else is eating. A lot of my fears go back to that horrible IBS flare up, where I was in so much pain and felt so horribly ill that it scares me to even think of having that happen again. Also having had to go to the ER twice during that flare and having the experience be a bit traumatic, only added to my health related fears and then just when I was feeling a lot better, I ended up in the ER again having another traumatic experience when I had an ovarian cyst in March. That made my fears worse again, and I guess that has added to the feelings of dread I have when I contemplate doing something fun, that would make me feel good. It's just really hard, and I wish it all made more sense. I need help!! Somebody please help me!!!
 
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Well we can't really help you here luv - only offer a cyber shoulder and reassure you, though horrible that these feelings are - you are not alone in feeling them. You need some sort of coping tool to break this cycle of dread and what if. At the end of the day, what you will have to come to realise is that the very worst that will happen is you soil yourself. Horrible, embarrasing yes but not life-threatening. So, be pragmatic about it - take a spare pair of knicks and some fresh wipes. If you're not careful - you'll end up a prisoner in your own home.Go and talk to the family doctor and see if they can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist if necessary - you need coping tools.Sue
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah, I guess you're right. And I usually have that urgent feeling but don't mess myself. I haven't had an accident yet. And sometimes when I am feeling the way I am now, the constipation and diarrhea at the same time feeling, I have urgent feelings but can't go at all when I get there. That is the worst thing with anxiety, the fact that you worry for no reason because the thing you were worrying about doesn't even happen. I am just constantly afraid of a lot of things that go along with my IBS and I don't know how to cope with it. I spend lots of time afraid of being sick, whether because of my IBS or some other illness, when really I have no control over getting sick anyway and shouldn't worry about it. It is just very hard. I know that this is just an online forum and you can't help me directly, but I just wish someone could help me figure out why I feel the way I do and how to deal with it. What I really need is someone who I can call or talk to face to face who could help me cope with this stuff and help me figure out why I am having all these fears and why they seem to be getting worse. Also sometimes I just need to get it out and I just kind of pour it all out in my posts on this forum. I often just put all my feelings of needing help and support as well as all my fears and worries into my posts even though I know that there's not much people on here can do as we are just online and you're not where I am at that you could just reach out and help me like that. It's just the way I feel, that I feel like I just want to scream "Somebody please help me!!!" at the top of my voice. But any suggestions you do have would be greatly appreciated. Oh man I really wish my stomach would stop cramping the way it is and I wish I would stop feeling like I am constipated and like I have diarrhea all at once, either I can go or I can't not feeling both at once. Wish my gut would make up it's mind already (so to speak). I am going to try to figure out someone I can call to talk to or something because I really do need some direct help. Thanks for your support and for trying to help. Thanks for being there and allowing me to know I am not alone, I appreciate it, I really do.
 

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Hi Jeni!I know just how you feel. i had an awful flare up a few weeks ago that caused me to miss work and stay indoors, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. I felt like a prisoner of my IBS, but mostly my anxiety about doing, eating anything. I think I actually made myself sicker through all my worry.You say you want to know why you feel this way, but i think you have said it. You're afraid of being sick because it feels so awful/. Perfectly logical if you think about it. Who in there right mind would do something they thought might hurt them? There have been times where I thought if I moved a certain way, I would have a horrible attack of diarrhea. You are letting your anxiety get the best of you and rule your life. What would you say to a close friend in the same situation. We often have a hard time taking care of ourselves because we marginalize our own well being. Whereas, we give great advice and go to great lengths for someone we care for. Why don't we do this for ourselves? Are we so awful? Are you not worth the time and effort it takes to get your life back? Think about it.Some of the best help I ever got for my often crippling anxiety was from psychology classes. Understanding why i feel the way i do makes me feel better. I kept a wonderful text book from a stress and coping class of mine that has some great exercises that i still do to manage my anxiety. It's called "Controlling Stress and Tension" and it's by Girdano, Dusek and Everly, Jr. Here is a link to the book on Amazon.http://www.amazon.com/Controlling-Stress-T...1213&sr=1-1I have also begun doing yoga at home for exercise and stress relief. I just go to youtube and watch any of the short videos on the yogatoday channel. I especially like the evening wind-down and exercise for insomnia. they really work and help you to center yourself and get some perspective. here is the link to the channel.http://www.youtube.com/user/yogatodayI have also tried some light meditating by using this video and breathing deeply. meditation is a powerful relaxation tool and is powered only by you! here is the video, just focus on the circle in the middle of the elephant's forehead and breathe deep. ALWAYS PRACTICE DEEP BREATHING. IT IS HARDER TO PANIC WHEN YOU ARE BREATHING SLOWLY, DEEPLY AND IN A CONTROLLED MANNER.
I believe it would also help you to take a little inventory of small successes. You are focusing very much right now on how awful you feel. You said it yourself, you have not messed yourself yet and you should be grateful for every day it does not happen. take baby step s and force yourself to do things you'd like to do like going somewhere or tasting something you like. every time you do not mess yourself, be happy, it's a good thing. you said the worst thing about anxiety is worrying about stuff that never happens, well turn that around and rejoice when your fears do not come true.take a look at the resources i've offered. i believe you'd really benefit from them. be nicer to yourself and know that you are not alone.~ili
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for the link to the yoga video, I looked at it but it doesn't really play very well on my computer. (I have a Macintosh laptop and sometimes it has problems playing youtube videos) I do have a workout video that has a short yoga workout at the end after the aerobic workout is over. I like to do those yoga exercises and I really do feel quite relaxed after I have done them, so I will return to that yoga workout. You're absolutely right about letting my anxiety get the best of me and rule my life and how I need to force myself to do things I'd like to do - like going places or tasting things I like. I think I might also find a videotape or DVD with a longer yoga workout on it, or even where the whole tape/DVD is a yoga workout. I told my sister I'd go to Wisconsin Dells with her in a couple weeks and I am not backing out, I am going to make myself go even though I am afraid for some unfocused reason (probably somehow related to my IBS or something health related). You're also right that I'm focusing too much on how awful I feel and I am going to try making an inventory of my small successes, for example how today I was able to get up and take a shower after having several days of feeling like I couldn't even do that, because I just didn't have any energy and it felt like even the smallest thing took a herculean effort. I have noticed that I expect far too much from myself, especially when my depression and anxiety are very bad like they are now, I expect to be able to do much more than I actually can do. I try to take on way more things than I can realistically do when I am doing okay, let alone trying to do that much when I am feeling awful like I am right now. I also realize that I go out of my way to take care of other people and that I am much more caring and nurturing to others than I am to myself. I don't know why it is so hard to be good to myself and go out of my way to make sure I am okay the way I am good to everyone else and go out of my way to make sure other people are okay, I wish I did. I don't understand why we believe it's not okay to take care of ourselves, that taking time for ourselves and going out of our way to make sure we are okay is not okay. I don't get why we think that it's more important to care for others and do everything we can to make sure others are cared for than it is do those same things for ourselves. It doesn't make sense because if we don't take care of ourselves, how can we expect to be able to take care of other people. I definitely need to try meditation and deep breathing, it seems like they'll help. I really do need to allow my well being to be the most important thing, and I need to do what I can to keep myself from becoming a prisoner of my IBS, because that is where I've been headed. I talked to an on call doctor from my regular doctor's office and she said I should make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, because my doctor can probably help me come up with a better plan for my anxiety, depression, and probably even for my IBS also, since I am having almost a phobic reaction to taking medications right now. I am going to do whatever I can to get through this and to keep from becoming a prisoner in my own home, so I am going to need to force myself to go and renew my driver's permit tomorrow or Thursday. I really do need to go places, even if I just walk the dog around the neighborhood or something like that. I am going to try to be nicer to myself and I am going to try to remember that I am not alone. Thanks for all your suggestions and for being here to let me know I'm not alone and for your support. I am going to try your suggestions and see if they help.
 
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Well good for you luv - and do remember - whether depressed or no, its a woman's lot to feel guilty. I work 2 days' a week - I feel guilty (in the holidays) cos I'm not with our littlest one (who is 9), then I feel guilty that I don't work more and contribute more to the family's coffers. Yes, try to like yourself abit more and don't be so hard on yourself - set yourself a goal or two a day and congratulate yourself when you've accomplished those.Stick around luv - we're all here for you albeit in a virtual capacity.Sue xxx
 

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I'm glad to hear you're committed to your well-being. As Sue mentioned, it's a woman's lot in life to feel guilty about stupid stuff. sometimes i think men have it so easy, not batting an eye at being self-serving or doing something less-than-selfless. it is SO COMMON to be able to care for others but not for yourself. i'm pursuing my master's in psychology and one of the requirements for my program is to RECIEVE so many hours of counseling AS WELL AS giving it. like you said, it is integral that we help ourselves to be able to help others.sorry those videos didn't work out for you but definitely pick some up. i'm going to the local used bookstore to shop around for some more yoga videos. i just love them. they're a wonderful way to remember to breathe and truly focus on just you, even for just 20 minutes a day. i can't tell you how many times a day i stop and realize i'm not breathing. my heart is pounding and my chest is constricted and i'm just NOT using my full lung capacity. no wonder i feel like i'm choking! meditation can be hard to do because it involves clearing your mind, that's why i like the video because it gives you something to focus on. visualizing something or staring at a candle flame in a dark room may help to clear your mind and relax. hooray for small successes. today i knew it was "my day" to have a BM and i was so scared it was going to be awful and painful and it totally wasn't! every little thing can be a success and the more you focus on all the little good things, the less you think about all the bad stuff. i believe you'll find you are able to bounce back a bit easier when you do have setbacks and you'll be able to view them as such: minor setbacks. you just take a deep breath, relax and get back to what you love. IBS can only keep you down if you let it. so don't let it! good luck at the doc's. be sure to articulate what you feel and what you want to get out of the visit. if you feel you have not been helped in the way you would like, ask them to refer you to someone or someplace else that can. your health and well being is your priority and you have to let others know that.also, thank you so much for letting me advise you. i get a tremendous amount of satisfaction and help for myself when i am able to help others. it is very therapeutic and it boosts my self-esteem as well. perhaps you will be able to do the same for someone else. i don't feel ike i've got all the answers but i've got a good ear and some pretty good suggestions so i think it works. be well and be happy.~ili
 
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I love your name (last poster) and what a refreshingly down to earth sensible sort of bod you sound.A very warm welcome to these boards.Sue
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Every time my stomach does something I am not expecting or not used to it doing, I freak out and get really anxious, which only makes things worse. Right now it's really gassy and crampy. And I don't like it. IBS sucks because it's so unpredictable and I never really know for sure what my stomach will do from day to day. I see my doctor on Monday, and I am going to talk to her about all the stuff I am experiencing lately with my anxiety and I am going to see if she can refer me to a psychiatrist I can see more often than once a month (like the one that is at the clinic I see my regular doc at) and I am going to see what else she thinks might be helpful. I do have an appointment with the psychiatrist at my regular doctor's clinic on September 8th(I think) and I am going to ask her about these health fears also and see what she says about it. She may have some insights that my regular doctor and therapist do not. I just wish I understood why I have such a great fear of medications and stuff like that. I hope that my doctor and psychiatrist will be able to help me understand it, but I don't know if they will. I see my therapist tomorrow. We have moved to only having appointments every other week so that I still have enough coverage on my insurance for the DBT group I am on the waiting list for. I am going to talk to her about these feelings also, and I am also going to talk to her about the way I feel I have to avoid everything to control my anxiety and depression and the things I feel because of them. Avoidance of lots of different kinds of things out of fear is a big problem in my life right now, if I avoid too many more things, I won't be living at all, I'll just be existing. I just don't know how to break the habit of avoiding things and it makes the anxiety worse and keeps me feeling depressed longer the more I do it. I just don't know how to cope with this stuff anymore and the coping mechanisms I am using now aren't helping and some of them are actually causing more harm than good. I just don't know what to do anymore. But right now I am going to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order myself a yoga video or two. Maybe yoga will become one of my healthier ways to cope with this stuff, who knows. I know it can't hurt, because it's exercise, relaxation, and meditation all rolled into one.
 

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Yoga is a wonderful way to relax and focus on your body in a positive way. I found a whole bunch of videos at the local Rasputin. A music store that buys/sells/trades movie and music is a good way to go because they'll have stuff for really cheap. So will amazon. I suffer from anxiety that causes me to avoid things as well. What you and many others with IBS experience sounds similar to post-traumatic stress which is usually associated with veterans and rape survivors but it can also arise after illness. Whatever the case, it is very important for you to speak with a professional who is sensitive to your situation. If, at any time, you feel your needs are not being met, or you are not being taken seriously, just see somebody else. I think you are aware of the fact that avoiding things does not necessarily make you feel better. Even if you do avoid stressful situations, like you said, you are not really living. Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Go out. It doesn't have to be anything big. Go for a walk around your block, if you make it around the block without needing the bathroom, go a second time, and so on. See how far you can get. Like I said in a previous post, be thankful for small successes. If you go a whole day without having diarrhea and pain, be grateful. If you manage to get someplace other than home without having to use the bathroom, be grateful and let it motivate you to do more. I would suggest, because you are focusing so much on the negative, to keep a journal of good things or things that make you laugh or just something small you appreciate during the day. Keep it somewhere you can return to it when you are feeling anxious or gloomy. I keep all the funny e-mails I get from my friends and return to them when I need a good laugh. Sometimes we get so mired down in our sickness that we forget there's a big beautiful world out there with wonderful people in it. One of my favorite exercises from that book I told you about involves writing yourself a fear letter. In the letter, you catastrophize and write all the things you fear. You let it sit a day, come back and write another, even worse than the last. The third day, you come back and circle in red all the things that are totally unrealistic (i.e. you're going to die a lonely, sick old woman who's never lived a day in her life and has no friends, stuff like that). Then (this is the best part) you burn it in a ceremonious fashion. When I finished mine, i burned it in my backyard in the barbecue; it was very liberating. I did it with other stuff too, old pictures, letters, painful memories. It really helped me to let go a bit. Enjoy the yoga, it will help you a lot. And try going for walks around your block (remember, your bathroom is not more than a few steps away). See how many laps you can do. It will empower you and get you out of the house. Be honest in your sessions with the therapist and be sure to get what you want out of it. Be well an dbe happy.~ili
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I actually do have a bunch of positive things written down in my journal, I should really write some positive things in there everyday. I have song lyrics that inspire me, my favorite prayers, affirmations, a poem called Footprints, a list of uplifting, positive things to do when I am feeling bad, and stuff like that. I saw my therapist today and it didn't seem to go very well. First of all I was trying to describe what I feel when I am going to go somewhere and how it's just a feeling of dread that something bad might happen without being very specific at all and I couldn't get it out right. As the session went on, I felt like my therapist didn't take me seriously and I felt invalidated. She actually asked me if I am even trying and I just felt like screaming at her, how can you ask me if I am even trying when even the most minor of tasks feels like a herculean effort, when I am trying hard just to do basic, everyday things, when I am trying as hard as I can just to live life on a daily basis. Then she asked me what I need to get better and I have no idea what I need to get better, if I knew that I wouldn't be struggling so much would I? I would have asked for what I need already if I knew what it was. I just feel like none of my needs were met and that my feelings were totally invalidated. It really sucked. That fear letter thing sounds interesting, I might have to give it a try. It does sound similar to post traumatic stress, doesn't it. I have had post traumatic stress before, because I was sexually abused and raped as a child. This is pretty similar, isn't it. I never thought of it that way before. I can discuss that with my doctor, too, and the psychiatrist that I see next month. Maybe that will help me find a way to cope with the fear and get past it. And here's a small success for me to be happy about today, I was starting to be a bit nervous about taking Advil, like a couple weeks ago, I had cramps and couldn't bring myself to take any Advil for them, but today I had a toothache and was able to take Advil for it without too much of a problem. Also my cousins gave me a good laugh this evening. They made up their own little mock Who wants to be a Millionaire game for me and asked me the questions, which were really funny and I laughed so hard I was almost crying. This one question was about this kids T.V. show they used to watch when they were little and I was totally not expecting them to ask about it, I didn't even think they remembered it. It was hilarious!! So there are two things for me to be happy about today, a small success and a funny event.
 

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Hi Jeni,I just wandered into this thread. One of the things I found so awful about this condition--and mine was 10 years long on a daily basis--was the lack of control it gave me over my whole life. One day, looking for some relief for a building heart condition, I started taking a supplement that eventually not only allowed me to dramatically lower my risk of a heart attack but also eventually stopped my D. it was one of those unexpected blessings we sometimes get when we are at the end of our ropes. We have dramatically different pasts and probably no similarities of causation; but relief is possible: that is the one thing I have learned. There is no way of making a childhood rape go away, with all of the fears that must have created; but somehow, you need to bury or burn that experience as something that happened to you but not something you caused. I can see how that kind of thing of setting aside the guilt in my own life is the only way I have been able to to get along. Hopefully you will be given some tools that will help you with that, as well. I wish you the best with this.
 
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Well your therapist doesn't sound much cop luv if you don't mind me saying so. What sounds much more positive is your pleasure in little things - thats a right positive step = honest. I remember when I was crawling out of the hellhole of depression - my (then) little 6 year old drew me the most wonderful picture - its of her and Milo (our sheltie) on the trampoline and a huge smiley sun - with the caption "the sun is the best thing of the day". I put it on my wall in the unit where I was - and then I remember asking Paul to buy me a little pot plant - slowly - I started trying to make the pretty grim surroundings of a mental unit seem abit more homely and that seem to trigger a real positive brightening of my mood. You have to cling to the little things - when you are feeling fragile - its amazing how potent they can be.Sue xxxx
 
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