I guess I kinda just want to tell my story, if that's okay. Anyway, here it goes:
When I was in high school I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease due to abdominal discomfort and excess gas. I went gluten free and while it didn't fix everything (I was later diagnosed with IBS, surprise, surprise) my symptoms at least got a little better.
Until my second year of college. My IBS flared up and my anxiety worsened. Then I started to hear comments wherever I went: "What's that smell?", "Did someone fart?", "It smells disgusting in here.", etc. At first I didn't really think anything of it. I didn't smell anything myself. But the comments kept following me wherever I went: in classes, at the movies, hanging out with my family, etc. It got to the point where I started to wonder, was I was causing it? It didn't make any sense, though, since I couldn't smell it. Nor was I intentionally passing gas. But everyone else smelled something...
And it dogged me for months and months. Was it me? Was it me?? I obviously had digestive problems. I dealt with excess gas. And I could smell that, when I intentionally passed gas. I could smell my own BO if I didn't shower. I could smell other people and other things. So why not this? What did it mean?
Of course I consulted the internet. I actually found this forum years ago (2011) and I tried strict diets, underwear liners, exercises. Nothing really seemed to work. And then the trauma of it all just became too much. It's embarrassing to say, but I just shut down. I didn't see a doctor to try and deal with it. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would believe me.
So I basically spent a decade in a self-imposed isolation (I was around 20 when the gas incontinence started--I'm 32 now). I rushed through my college degree and got a job working from home. I bought a small house in the middle of nowhere. I have no friends. I still see my family, though sparingly. I hear comments every now and then, though I think the low-fodmap diet I started around 2016 has helped reduce my symptoms (also the fact that I don't go around people helps). But the anxiety is still overwhelming. The fact that I can't smell it makes me question everything. Everything. I just don't get it.
And then my IBS flared up again at the end of last year. So that was a bummer.
Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. I think I'm finally going to tell her all of this and see what she makes of it. I'm terrified, though. I had to rip myself open just to face the idea of telling another person, partially from the absurdity of it all and partially from the embarrassment of waiting this long to ask for help. But I guess hopelessness and depression are a cage. Maybe you understand.
Hopefully this makes sense as I'm obviously in a weird mental state. Thanks for reading!
When I was in high school I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease due to abdominal discomfort and excess gas. I went gluten free and while it didn't fix everything (I was later diagnosed with IBS, surprise, surprise) my symptoms at least got a little better.
Until my second year of college. My IBS flared up and my anxiety worsened. Then I started to hear comments wherever I went: "What's that smell?", "Did someone fart?", "It smells disgusting in here.", etc. At first I didn't really think anything of it. I didn't smell anything myself. But the comments kept following me wherever I went: in classes, at the movies, hanging out with my family, etc. It got to the point where I started to wonder, was I was causing it? It didn't make any sense, though, since I couldn't smell it. Nor was I intentionally passing gas. But everyone else smelled something...
And it dogged me for months and months. Was it me? Was it me?? I obviously had digestive problems. I dealt with excess gas. And I could smell that, when I intentionally passed gas. I could smell my own BO if I didn't shower. I could smell other people and other things. So why not this? What did it mean?
Of course I consulted the internet. I actually found this forum years ago (2011) and I tried strict diets, underwear liners, exercises. Nothing really seemed to work. And then the trauma of it all just became too much. It's embarrassing to say, but I just shut down. I didn't see a doctor to try and deal with it. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would believe me.
So I basically spent a decade in a self-imposed isolation (I was around 20 when the gas incontinence started--I'm 32 now). I rushed through my college degree and got a job working from home. I bought a small house in the middle of nowhere. I have no friends. I still see my family, though sparingly. I hear comments every now and then, though I think the low-fodmap diet I started around 2016 has helped reduce my symptoms (also the fact that I don't go around people helps). But the anxiety is still overwhelming. The fact that I can't smell it makes me question everything. Everything. I just don't get it.
And then my IBS flared up again at the end of last year. So that was a bummer.
Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. I think I'm finally going to tell her all of this and see what she makes of it. I'm terrified, though. I had to rip myself open just to face the idea of telling another person, partially from the absurdity of it all and partially from the embarrassment of waiting this long to ask for help. But I guess hopelessness and depression are a cage. Maybe you understand.
Hopefully this makes sense as I'm obviously in a weird mental state. Thanks for reading!