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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi there,I tried posting to the relationships forum, but it wouldn't work-so here goes. I am at a really down point right now, having seperated from my husband of 9 years for the past 8 months and trying to get back to work full time when my bowels continue to work against me. I have pain everyday, diarrhea,fatigue and dizzyness- so it is a challenge maintaining a happy disposition to say the least! I went from being angry with my husband that he would turn against me when I needed his support the most (ie. he started agreeing with his mother that I had an eating disorder and/or mental problem--not IBS,whatever that is!) to being sad that 11 years together would boil down to fighting over assets. We finally resolved everything, but instead of elation I feel sadness. I am quite depressed now and last night actually thought of throwing myself under a bus- although I know this is not the answer either. I have not had suicidal thoughts before, so this is a big admission on my part. I hope this depression lifts eventually..it is just so hard dealing with lost love/broken heart, job stress on top of IBS everyday. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and not get out! My friends/coworkers are all going on about how I can start 'dating' again--but the thought just leaves me cold. I am not ready to meet someone else and everytime I think about it, my IBS acts up. My experience with my husband has not given me much faith in men that will stick around with IBS to deal with. I am hoping by posting this that some men on the BB will provide some encouragement that there are good men out there. I used to be really outgoing and others consider me attractive, but I just don't know how I would tell someone new about my IBS, nor how I would deal with the stress of dating again. I think I will end up being a lonely young lady with a cat and a tv remote at this rate! Last night was a particular low point for me because I kissed a married friend of mine and know that I was just looking for 'love in all the wrong places', whereas he was just getting a thrill. Is this what my life is reduced to?! Maybe there will come a day when the medical community will address IBS properly, but how do I live my best life in the meantime? It gets so lonely sometimes that I want to scream. I am sad that my husband and I could not remain friends- he is too angry/bitter right now and focusing on money he is losing, then on losing me, unfortunately. I still crave to have his friendship--I guess that tells you how lonely I really am-but we had many good years together, just when I got IBS did he turn away from me. Anyways, sorry for the length of this one, but I need some encouraging voices right now....thanks!
 

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snoopy, don't throw yourself under a bus it's too messy!! if these thoughts persist i would get psychiatric help immediately. as far as finding a man ibs shouldn't be a problem. if a man is mature, secure and unselfish your ibs won't matter. i had a bad ibs attack on my first date with my wife; so bad that i couldn't drive her home and she was forced to spend the night at my house(no hanky panky as i am a virtuos man). if your ibs becomes an issue with any man then he isn't worth the effort. don't let self pity bring you even further down than you are entitled to be. divorce is traumatic for everybody and not just ibs people. mourn the divorce and then move on!
 

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SnoopyYou have been through a very unpleasant and stressful situation with your husband - which has left you feeling you will never find love again because of IBS.I am truly sorry that your husband wasn't mature enough or selfless enough to support and care for you instead of turning away when the chips were down. Isn't one of the wedding vows 'In sickness and in health?' - yet as soon as the first sign of trouble appears - he's off.Then that says to me he isn't the man for you.Plenty of people have a happy and fulfilling love life alongside IBS - its just that you've had a particularly bad deal of it.You deserve to be loved and respected no matter what illness you have.Don't put pressure on yourself to get out dating just because friends say so, go at your own pace and in your own time.I can understand how going out on a date may cause you stress becuase of the worry about attacks etc - so how about approaching it from a difficult angle when YOUR ready.Try joining a social club or activity group that you know you can handle and meet new friends that way without any 'pressure' and let things go naturally from there - and men will see you for the lovely person you are.If any man is worth it, he will see past the IBS and want you for you and not really care about how many toilet rolls you consume or the fact that you spend two hours in the bathroom before you go out - hey some women do that doing their hair! Hey - my boyfriend has stuck around through my IBS - and he's absolutely lovely - he really takes care of me....so there is hope!Take it easy on yourself, concentrate on getting better and please no throwing yourself under a bus.And if you ever feel lonely...you can always come here to this bb for a chat
Big Electronic Hugs coming your way ((((((HUGS))))))Clair
 
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Snoopy, Start putting number 1 - "yourself" first. I have been there - a single mom with panic disorder and IBS....but I did it. I actually survived without a MAN!!! What other people think is not even worth worrying about. Get as healthy as you can, and the rest will fall into place. After 4 years of being on my own, I met a very special guy and 17 years later, we are still together - IBS & diverticulosus, panic disorder and all. There's a lid for every pot as my mother used to say. Keep you chin up and think positive. God Bless.
 

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Snoopy: You are a valuable person who has a lot of positive things to offer, even with IBS!!! It took me a long, long time to realize that myself, and on some bad days, I still question that. As someone else mentioned, though, you need to go get some GOOD counseling so you can believe in yourself and reduce all the stress that clouds your life.Good men DO exist. I've had one for eight years and counting... one who heats up peppermint tea and brings me a hot water bottle when my stomach acts up... one who checks on me if I've been in the bathroom for longer than 10 minutes... one who doesn't complain about eating rice, potatoes, turkey and chicken (and rice pasta instead of regular pasta) 7 days per week for dinner. I think the trick is that he knows what it's like to have an ill member of the family; he spent his growing up years sleeping in the parking lot of the hospital with two of his younger siblings while his parents were in the emergency room with his (now deceased) younger brother, who had epilepsy.He gets ticked off like I do-- I constantly have other problems due to the IBS that mess with my help. He wants a responsive doctor NOW!! He hates to see me suffer.In any case... he can't be the only one out there. But you need to TAKE CARE OF YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU FIRST!!!!!!!!Please keep us posted. I'm worried about you.
Regards, Lilymaid
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks to everyone for their posts- I went for the Kleenex box reading them. I have been pretty good about remaining positive, but sometimes it just gets so hard and keeping appearances up at work is also hard. I know you know where I am coming from and that helps a lot! I say we should all start lobbying the medical community for colon transplants...sign me up! I am seeing a counsellor, which helps somewhat- but I still have very down days and this just happens to be one of the worst yet. I have tried various anti-depressants but they don't agree with me- so I am trying to just ride through the pain (emotional and otherwise!). I hear the logic of what you are saying that there is hope for me yet- but it is still very hard to fathom at this point in my life. Ok-I am done with the 'woe-is-me' stuff and thanks for listening everybody!!! Take care and all the best to you...
 

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HiI'm very sorry for you. You'r in bad shape these day. I understand you because i was very frustrated at some time because my wife (who do not have IBS) didn't understood my distress. I had to deal with my job ( with my boss telling "hey, i WANT you start that study right now and I WANT the result to morrow... "), the traffic jam, winter (i live in Quebec, CANADA), my wife that was doing nothing special for eating (because M.D. was saying "it's all in my head" and she was thinking the same), ... etcFinally i decided to do whatever i want by my own to not be in distress. Talk to friends, sports, go on holidays (anyway, sick at home or sick elsewhere, better to be elsewhere on holidays!)....etcThen now i'm no more in distress (i still have bad days, not "cured").Hope you find your own way but don't throw you under the bus. It's not a solution. Suppose that to morrow a cure to IBS is found, you would say "Am i stupid! i throw me under that stupid bus, i'm dead now and i can't be cured anymore and enjoy a new beginning".Sorry for some misspelling, i'm French speaking as first language.----- bye
 

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Good lord girl, or course you will find love with IBS. Life may seem like #### right now but think of what you went through during puberty. You made it through that right? Well if you can make it through puberty then you can make it through anything. You have A LOT of support here so just come to vent when you need to. In the meantime just concentrate on feeling better and getting better. A holiday is definately in order here for you but if you can't afford it then just go to visit someone you haven't seen in awhile. Take time out to do your nails, fix your hair and soak in a tub with bubble bath and candle light. When you are feeling up to it then go on those dates whether they are fix ups or not. It will be so nice to just get out and do things it doesn't matter who it is with and you just might luck out and find someone worth seeing again. You are gonna KNOW when to tell someone about your IBS and you shouldn't worry about it until then. You have to believe in the fairy tale again. Your prince charming is out there, I know because I found mine and he loves my IBS, Crohn's, Asthma and every skeleton in my closet. Just because this guy made you feel like #### it doesn't mean you are ####. Don't fall prey to his attitude towards you, you are a wonderful person going through an awful time. You are gonna make it through this and be a much stronger person for it. As for the ex-husband, he is gonna regret it, believe me!
 

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~snoopy~ Just a few words about your situation. I was with a guy for 7 LONG years who totally did not support my IBS problem. He used to make me feel so bad for being sick all the time. I went thru so many emotions about staying with him, and finally left after too much emotional abuse. I dated a lot with IBS and oddly enough...I became well??? I was concentrating on being unhappy for so long that when I left and began loving myself again I began to feel better. I was on a mission to find someone who would love me no matter if I was sick everyday. I found my husband now, who completely supports me! Holds me when I'm sick...prays for me, and stays by me while I yell at him because I can't stand the pain in my stomach. I became sick during my relationship with him due to a stress overload. I hold my stomach all the time...and tell him.."I just wish i wasn't with you right now...I don't want anyone to go thru this with me. I feel so bad!" Again, I am held and told I will be ok. I started a medication called Elavil that is really helping control my mood swings, and spasms in my stomach. I feel for you Snoopy. I know what it's like to go into the dating world and be so sick. Just concentrate on good things...sounds easy i know...but I promise you, things will turn around! You are understood here! ~Love Mandy~
 

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eric asked me to post, but you all do such a wonderful job of supporting each other. I'm glad to hear you have a counselor, just be honest with him or her if your suicidal thoughts persist. As for finding a man, your IBS may have a silver lining, in that it will scare off the jerks. No one should settle for anything less than a partner who is supportive and understanding. You have certainly had a rough time of things lately. Give your soul time to heal, focus on good self-care and hopefully things will start to turn around for you.------------------This input is provided solely for educational purposes and is not to be seen as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always consult a qualified professional about your personal medical needs and any questions you may have regarding this information.
 

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Aw Snoopy...you are a valuable person! Please don't give up on YOU...give yourself some time and space here...I had an EX that treated me so bad...didn't understand my pain or problems and made me even worse by living with him! I am happy to say that once you hit bottom, there is no where but UP to go and you WILL find a nice caring man...they really are out there! Now I have such a good husband! Puts up with me LOL and that's probably worse than living with me and my IBS at times
please see the doc for some help. There isn't a good reason to consider some of your thoughts! You are a nice lady and you will find someone WORTH you in time..sometimes we have to go through some real yucky relationships to really appreciate that special one when we find it
makes it all worth while! Chin up, you have lots of friends here
let us know how you feel from time to time ok...Pookie's Mom
 

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Hi Snoopy,You sure have been dealing with unbearable pain, all kinds of pain. I wish I had magic words that could help you.I�m sending you cyber hugs and healing vibes.I personally have been saved with antidepressants. They have helped me cope with my life and learn how to be happy. It took many years and much suffering. There are so many different kinds of antidepressants and different classes of them. Finding one that works for you and that your body can tolerate and slowly adjust to is much worse than buying a house or car or deciding to get married and have children!! I know cause I have been there!A good Doctor has lots of antidepressants to give to you and see how you react. I have made a list of all the different antidepressants I know of and put them in categories. I�m sure there are more antidepressants that I don�t know about. The newest one is Remeron. As long as you don�t have C it works wonders I�m told!I urge you to give this list to a cooperative Doctor or Psychiatrist if you can afford one. One of these pills just has to be able to save your life and sanity!!! Copy and paste and print the list. I hope you will keep looking for a Doctor till you find one that will help you find the right medication.My prayers are with you. Let us know how you are doing. Posting and venting and getting support will help too.Are you ready for my list?! Here it is! They are Brand Names.SSRI Antidepressant: Celexa, Luvox, Paxil, Prozac, ZoloftTricyclic Antidepressant: Norpramin, Elavil, Pamelor, Tofranil, AsendinSpecial Class Antidepressant: Desyrel, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Sinequan, Serzone, Effexor, LudiomilGood Luck and happy searching!------------------Take care, Forever Vikee[This message has been edited by vikee (edited 05-17-2001).]
 

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Yes, there are good men out there. I told my now husband on our 3rd date that I had stomach problems and didn't want to eat out too far from home. I didn't go into details until later. He is very understanding and sometimes even thinks it is fun to have "a mission" and permission to drive fast to find me a bathroom "quick". He can get me to a bathroom faster than I could if I was driving myself. Keep looking for someone who will love you even with your problems. I wouldn't hide your IBS from the men you date for too long. You might waste too much time with someone who can't handle it.
 

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Aww Snoopy.. First: Some (((((*HUGS*)))))Next...Everyone has pretty much said what I would have said as well. But you know what??? I read them as if they were also written to me... That's because it has been just one year since my divorce became official. I had known my ex over 20 years. After years of being sick with IBS, and other things, he wanted to have fun..tired of having a sick wife..there were other factors of course, but IBS was a big one. So I do know some of what you are feeling. Fortunately, we have remained friends and co-parent our kids, but support, compassion and concern are just not in his repetoire. After being on my own, something happened. My friends whom I have known since college days have said I am gradually turning back into the girl they once knew. Being with someone who cannot accept your illness and gives you no support, makes you become a shadow of yourself. It has taken awhile, but I am now coming back into my own person. A very dear friend of mine pointed out how sometimes you have to forgive someone for not being who you want them to be because perhaps they do not have the life experiences, or the nurturing as a child, or whatever, to be that sort of person. And I found out that it was not just me. It was a lack of compassion and concern for anyone in his life. So, Snoopy, do not depair...tho I know sometimes I feel that way myself. I have found that many fellows listen to what I say, are still attracted to how I look, and who I am. And, though at this time, I am pretty much involved with my children, and I am not "seeking" I know that my years of experiencing things and growing into the "who" that I am will help me be content with myself...and if that contentment leads to a natural meeting of someone someday...well, fine. But sometimes you have to realize that you are fine without someone too. Snoopy, who you are and your worth is not contingent upon any "man." It is contingent only upon how you perceive yourself. This is a hard concept sometimes, because I know for myself, I am rather hard on myself!!! We find ourselves measuring up to the world's yardstick. Now I have a new outlook. Correction....my new "old" outlook. How I used to be..I say hello to everyone. I find some little thing to compliment the checkout person, I greet all the children on the block. I have floods of kids over here and ply them with unhealthy food!!!! I am way more silly than I should be...and make a fool out of myself and who could care!! Snoopy, I know where you are...I have stuffed a pillow into my face late at night to try to drown out wrenching tears..of either physical or emotional pain. I have journals of poetry poured out of intense emotion. Do whatever it takes to get that intensity out..sing made up song lyrics, write in a journal, write a truthful letter to your ex then never send it and burn it...or place a chair and give him an imaginary lecture of his insensitivity, go nuts on an art project, sew, garden, volunteer with kids, elders, whatever....If you spend part of the time in the can...so what!!! I go up to my kid's high school and smother mother the kids. I try to give out what I myself need...I write letters to people with ailments, or I call them. Someday, somehow, one of these things is going to land me next to a fella that has these passions in life. Not a bar. Not a set-up. A natural life setting.Sorry about this being so long. But since I am a year ahead of you in the emotional time line as it were, I just wanted you to know that I know how you are feeling, and I am sending you my prayers and well-wishes... hope my long rambling here may help you out a bit...And please, find someone for some help in some way...we can't do it thru cyber space..we can support and advise, but you need a real arm around you, and a shoulder.(I have had many late night calls to my friend..lots of kleenex!) It is hard to believe that another human being that you gave your heart and soul to would crush you when you are sick...that's what it comes down to, and it is unthinkable! But I know now, that spending my life in that unhealthy atmosphere...well, that would have killed me eventually..my spirit anyway! You now have a chance to renew your spirit and be reborn!!!So Snoopy...here's to your rebirth!!! Peace, compassion and care, hon...take care..------------------Marilyn
 

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Snoopy...I tried posting before but the computer gremlins ate my post...I can really relate to what you are saying. All of us experiences our emotions differently, but everyone also wants to experiences some of the same things. Life can be a lonely place without love.I was also at your point of despair awhile ago. I don't think you were on the BB then. Basically, my IBS was going nuts, I had to leave my job and I felt awful about myself. More than awful, worthless. A smile on the outside but not IN me; a shell. I couldn't go out much, so where did I turn...my computer. It was there there I thought I met this "amazing" man...smart, rich, nice, etc. All you could ever dream. The online chats eventually turned into 8 hour phone calls; thank God for unlimited after supper long distance! Soon I turned from all my friends and my life was him. No matter all the inconsistences, the excuses why he couldn't get to my city...I still wanted to be loved so much I made excuses for him...and me. Basically, in a nut shell he lied about all he was, his name etc. He preys on women like you and me who want and need to be loved...to make himself be better. Quite the slap in the face when reality set in. (not to mention a few bills and no job!) That's when I had a breakdown and nearly committed suicide. Who out there would love a fool like me!? What did I have going for me!? Nothing. Please be careful of guys like him.I began to think about this WAY too much. But it was good. When you feel low like you are and I was, you want someone to tell you that you ARE okay. That there are things about you that someone can love. A reassurance of sorts for you. Sure, it's nice to actually be in love and think someone loves you....and to be blunt, sex is nice too. And as you get the reassurance that you are "okay" and your esteem gets higher....you begin to change.Suddenly you are more confident...and stand up for yourself more. Suddenly the partner you are with doesn't like that. THEY begin to feel like you are changing...and they demean you. (not all, but generally) You are changing to someone you weren't when they met you. And they feel threatened...and shoot you down..so go back to feeling lower. A big cycle. You think you are happy...I mean, you have someone that loves you, right? Love makes the world go 'round, right? So, you stay there in a relationship...but are you REALLY happy? Are YOU who YOU want to be? It sounds so hokey...you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. It is so true. Finding out who YOU are first can make such a difference. Take some self esteem classes; or get some books your local woman's groups recommend. Take time to do things you have always wanted to do and are able to. It is SOOO hard! But as you work on yourself, time passes so fast...and while you may not see the changes, others around you DO. Little things like your tone of voice...the colour of your clothes...the way you hold yourself...and most of all that wonderful smile you have!
One day you look in the mirror and say...Wow! I have come SOO far! And you can be so proud of yourself...b/c you love yourself and that is what really matters!Then the best part comes. You are smiling, you are confident...and people want to be around you. They see in YOU what THEY want for THEM! How did she do it?! Why is she smiling?! Wow...she can make me laugh! What a wonderful refreshing way of looking at things! And more people around you admiring you...that feels darn good for you! Your esteem goes up again, only this time there is no one to bring you down. Not only are there women admiring you for WHO you are....but men are too. Lo and behold...men want to spend time with you! Cool!
But you know what you want in someone, and you have seen what you DON'T want. Those who don't appreciate for who you are, well, there is the door Need help, sir? Well, there is the toe of my boot!
You think to yourself...wow! How far I have come from the jerk who tried to hold me back...I'm so glad I took time for ME! Even if I was a bit lonely at first.It is hard to face things at first. And I have been there, really I have. Think about it honestly...do you truly enjoy being around happy, smiling people or sad, pessimistic ones? I like to be around happy people...they make ME feel good. Right now you are sad...and you have your true friends who will always be by you. And sure, you can meet wonderful people through them. Until you are who you really are; that happy, smiling, confident person you were before all this happened...well, it is hard to find the right people that are GOOD for you to date and spend time with. That is why you need to look to YOU first.I speak like an old crone lecturing. And I sound like I am condescending. You know what...I am only 28. I am not who I want to be yet. I'm still in the "who am I?" stage. Sure, I'm dating, I also know who I am seeing right now are purely for my own ego. Nothing wrong with that as long as you can face the music and say "yup...mean as it is, I am using him." (that sounded so callous!) People that don't even know me personally on this BB have noticed the change in my tone on this BB. I am happier!
People who know me personally have been awestruck. Last night out with my father's collegue I got the best compliment...he had seen me late in January when I was suicidal. He looked at me last night and said "I knew you were pretty...but now you are beautiful from the inside too". I nearly cried. Such a long journey...but some great rest stops along the way as I continue...I don't know if there actually is an end. I think there is always a way to improve ourselves...something else to strive for.You can do it Snoopy...and you won't be alone forever. Good people aren't. You will always have someone who loves you around....YOU. You are the most important person. I wish you the best....but I KNOW you can do it. The counselling is a wonderful idea. Antidepressants helped me SOO much too. Let me know how you are doing....you can help me and everyone else on this BB smile when we see how GREAT you are...and when we celebrate all your milestones along the way with you.
 
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