So, I'm slated to have my first colonoscopy next week. As many of you know, I'm scared to death. I'm convinced they are going to find something and my life will be over. Desperate times call for desperate measures. To that end, I've come up with something I like to call the "Contract with my Colon" (thanks to Newt Gingrich for the title idea.)It goes a little something like this:If next week I come out of my Colonoscopy ok with no mention of a certain life-altering disease, I promise to do the following to thank my colon:1)Everyday I will thank my Colon for not letting me down.2)I will make a serious effort to eat more fiber3) I will cut back on the amount of processed foods I eat.4)I will bathe my colon in red wine twice-three times a week.5) I will go to the gym and remove some of the spare tire that sits on top of my colon.6)I will use stool softeners and not just tough it out.7)I will not be embarressed by anything my colon does in public, in fact I will rejoice in it.8)I will take my colon out for long walks.9) I will buy my colon anything it wants at the grocery store (as long as it is good for it)and10) When I speak of my colon, I will speak of her with pride and dignity and pleasure. I will not put her down and make excuses for her. I will embrace her colonocity!Hope this made you laugh! I'll do anything to keep my mind off of what's going to take place next Wednesday.