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Does anyone's spouse (signif other) get angry at them when they're sick?

2924 Views 22 Replies 15 Participants Last post by  newlearner
Dear friends:My hubby is usually pretty supportive. But sometimes he gets so angry. A couple of weeks ago I left work, after having an accident (no one knew, thank God!) but of course I felt horrible, humiliated, etc. You know the drill.Anyway, I came home from work 3 hours early and I'm laying on the couch, wishing for death, and my husband cops this huge attitude.We were having sandwiches that night for dinner, anyway. He says "Can't you even set the table???"(Paper plates.)And then he proceeded to be really icky the rest of the night, until I screamed bloody, blue murder that "I can't cope with this disease and your f---ing attitude!"This is not the first time this has happened.It's not that I don't try. I hardly EVER miss work or even family functions. I go sick or well, no one cares how I feel. Our home is always immaculate, I pay half the bills, I just feel like the lowest life form when he does that.I don't buy that, "he wants to fix it and can't" business. When I throw my back out, a problem HE ALSO has, he's all "sweetness and light."Anybody else have this problem? Male or female?love and light to all, michele-
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It's very hard for someone that doesn't have IBS to understand. Luckily my sister, aunt and mother all have it too so when we all go out it's no big deal when someone is missing from the group in the bathroom. Or if my sister and I go shopping I don't ever mind having to stop at the nearest scummiest gas station if needed! We IBS sufferers are the ONLY ones that can understand our illness. When my hubby get a stomach flu w/ "D" it's like it's the end of the world for him. I say "sorry, no sympathy, welcome to my life just about EVERYDAY"!!! He is supportive like yours to a point but he will never fully understand it. One time he was all proud of himself scheduling a nice birthday dinner at a restraunt for us at the Olive Garden, a Itialian place. I told him that I couldn't go there. It would kill my stomach all the garlic etc. He was so mad at me. I would rather of have soup and bread for my birthday because that way I wouldn't pay having terrible pains. Needless to say, he never understood. Hang in there and try to hang out with other IBS sufferers. It's alot easier on your life!
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Dear Little:I hate the f---ing Olive Garden!!Thanx for the supportive, m-
Well I certainly can relate. Sometimes my husband really gets mad at me, when I don't want to eat out unless it's 5 minutes from home (and sometimes even that is tooooooo far). Most of the time he makes fun of me. I don't think he would find it too amusing to mess his pants. There isn't much restaurant food that I can eat and make it home safe (and clean..). I'd much rather get something and take it home. I know what you mean about lying down after a bad bout. Sometimes it wipes you out so bad you just need to lay down. If I'm wiped out when he gets home he'll feed himself but not the three kids. They'll coming running up to the bathroom telling me how they're starving. You would think he'd feed them too! I think it's his way of punishing me....
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Your hubby and mine are very similar, unfortunately.Maybe that is part of the lack of sympathy...he hasn't had any stomach problems for a while. When he does get a (ever-so-brief) bout with D, he is sooo much more sympathetic!!I've really been having problems with energy levels and doing all the things I need to do, relaxing a little, and doing other stuff too. And he is being a real jerk lately about what I haven't done around the house. I'm doing the best I can. And I know he works more hours than me, but he COULD help out a little more. He has practically no commuting time, needs less sleep than I do, and doesn't spend lots of time on the toilet or feeling poorly. So really I don't have all the free time he seems to think I have!If you find a way to reduce or control the attitude popping out, I'd love to know! I'm still trying to find that switch on Mr. Luna that turns him from a nice guy to a jerk. There MUST be one somewhere!!
Boy do I know about this! I have 2 EX husbands because of it. The last one pulled this trick, one day I was extremely sick all day at work, I came home and immediately went to bed, at about 7:30 pm he came up to my room,woke me up and said 'So are you coming down to make dinner or what?' my reply was 'not only am I not coming down to make dinner, I am not eating dinner, you are on your own', well, he didn't like this and went slamming out of my room, then proceeded to make dinner for himself but not my kids, luckily my kids are old enough and have dealt with my illness long enough that they took care of themselves that night. After a few more of these episodes within the next couple weeks he came home one day to find that his key didn't work on the locks! I have been sick all my life with this #### and I will not tolerate this type of behavior. If you can't be nice when someone is sick you can't be around me! My son's have learned to deal with it and are very supportive of me when I am sick, I think that someday they will be very loving to their women, so I think I am raising a new generation of boys in my house. Best of luck to you dealing with spouse, I personally choose not to deal with that type of behavior.
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To those of you that do not have supportive husbands ,family I think that LittleLisa hit the nail on the head because I don't believe that people who do not have IBS understand exactly what we go through. This is not the first time that I have read posts such as this,unfortunately.I told my wife and family exactly what my condition was like and said that if I was ok I would go out on trips or wherever but if I didn't feel up to it then I would not be joining them and if they didn't like it, too bad. More polite than that but that was the message.Fortunately, they are all very supportive but I don't think they truly understand and probably never will.All people are different, some supportive, some just downright pigs but it's good to have this BB where we can turn to people who DO understand and, although it dosn't solve anything it is good to have a moan now and then even if just to relieve the stress.You would think that our loved ones would be the first to support us and not to be selfish just thinking about themselves.Maybe these selfish people may have an attitude change and be more sympathetic, although I doubt it.
I wonder how many men that have IBS have uncaring wives or family?
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Yes...this is a very sensitive thing. Sometimes you feel that there is LESS support from family than anyone else. Their remarks can be pretty painful at times, i.e., well why don't you just get busy and get your mind off of it ... that would probably help you, or, why don't you go somewhere and do something, etc., etc., plus I think they think it is all "just imagined". That only adds to the pain which you just don't need. Actually you find yourself withdrawing from them because you get sick of all their suggestions. Like "have you tried this...or have you tried that..."well I know what I would do and then proceed to tell you to see this doctor or that doctor and on and on and on". Lord knows we have tried about everything under the sun. I remember when my father was ill with cancer, I worked at the church at the time as its secretary and I told the pastor that no matter how painful it would be for me...I was going to allow him to express himself and his feelings, and never ever did I put him off or change the subject. This was exactly what I did...and you know he shared more of his feelings with me than anyone else in the family. I never regretted allowing myself to be available to him. In fact even though it was so sad, we shared some beautiful moments together that I will always treasure.
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Hi. I am married and have 4 kids. I have been dealing with IBS-D for most of my life (33 years) and especially since the birth of my first child 10 years ago. I can't believe what a downer it's been on my life. My husband of 11 years has recently been getting very upset with me when he wants to do things as a family. He says I'm using it as a control thing, making everybody else wait for me. He also says it's mostly "in my head" and that I should stop being so selfish and weak. I have explained IBS to him. I have humbled myself to tell him about all of the "close calls" with the bathroom and it seems, once I start crying, that he backs off a little bit. The tears are not a sign of weakness but signs of YEARS of frustration and embarassment and worry about D and/or the urgency component. I don't think he will ever really believe me when I tell him that it's physiological and psychological. However, psycho or not, when it's time to go, it's time to go. I am a Christian. I pray about this every day. I ask God to rid this D from me so I can enjoy the life I've been given. It seems He answers me but I'm always taken to "the edge" of comfort and confidence. I am in the habit of taking Immodium on a daily basis as well as some good old Xanax for those trips away from home. I get sooo angry. Reading other people's posting on this BB is like looking into a mirror. I just feel bad for all of us. I know it's not cancer or some other terminal disease but it's very life-limiting and emotionally draining. Today was a good day for me, though, and I feel great (although I didn't have to go anywhere, so does that count??) hee hee. There's always tomorrow and we'll be going to the graduation parties and being out-and-about and so I'll just load up on my meds and keep on praying. TAke care everybody. w
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I have noticed my wife of 10 years is starting to get more impatient about it. I know she is not mad at me it is the situation IBS causes that is getting to her. I can understand that. Imagine you are out to dinner for your tenth anniversary and being left at the table for 30 minutes or more. Of course know she is out there alone and waiting only makes it worse for me. I would be willing to bet your spouses aren't mad at you it is the IBS but you just happen to be the object they can take it out on. I also believe the situation wasn't helped when we got a taste of a normal life when I was on Lotronex. Once you are normal you never want to go back. Later
Sometimes my husband's attempts at humor aren't too funny. The other day I was starting to tell him something. I said, "Guess what I did today?"He said, "You crapped in your pants?" I said, "No, not today." Isn't he just a riot?
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In the beginning my husband was in lala land. Now by seeing me and what I go through, my husband over time is pretty much 90% very supportive. The other 10% I realize I have to look out for myself, where he would be absent minded. I try to not fly off the handle, when he wants to go for a 2 mile walk, or things I wish I could do but can't, but make a joke out of it. Joking about it does help. However, if hubby is stupid, try exlax on him, he may get the picture. Oh, be out and about when he's eaten it. No joke. it will shut him up fast.
Dear friends:So many of your stories are IDENTICAL ones that I have experienced, even down to the conversation.For example, I have been laying down on the bed, miserable and have been asked, "Are you getting up to make dinner."I DO realize that people who don't have IBS find it impossible to relate. I'm not asking them to relate, I am asking them to adjust. Right now my hubby is having a terrible time at work, not his fault. I told him to go in and quit, we'll figure something out. I even told him I'd even increase my part time hours (just what I need!) but he's my husband and you're supposed to do and care for one another.To be made to feel like you are faking it, is the absolute worse!!! We have a picnic coming up way the heck out in PA, and I'm already rumbling. My dad has told me to tell my hubby that he is sick (my dad), he's almost 80, so that I'd have to care for him and not go to this picnic. I'm thinking about it.much love and light to you all, I need you guys so much, m-
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Mamamia,Be honnest with hubby. Tell, him, hon, what should I do? I'm worried about the drive and facilities at the picnic. Put it on him to help you figure it out. It will make him a part of the choice. Sometimes, being a team, will help you to do good stratigies and ideas. i.e. put a bucket in the car/w tp. My mother suggested this, I thought it was gross,(still do) gave me more freedom to travel. Also, both, look for facilities and park your self near there, and enjoy the picnic. don't let IBS cripple you, what you can improvise on go for it and the stuff you can't work around except it. Believe me I have severe IBS 12X'S a day. 10 second warnings. You both may get very creative on your stratigies.
Dear rocks:I do like your suggestion about including him in on the decision. I just hope he doesn't shrug and say "Don't think about it and you'll be okay."I might be charged with homicide!!(But I might try asking him anyway, thanx)love, m-
Hi All:I have to say that my BF is really very supportive. Occasionally, I feel very guilty abou the fact that I can't do all the things we would like to. Or, if I'm feeling ill, and I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and chainsmoke (which I know doesn't help!). I'm on Calcium at LNAPE's suggestion and it's really working wonders for me but I still get nervous. Maybe you should have married gay men...
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Mamamia,Don't let him shrug it off with "don't think about it". If he say's anything like that, you need to re take control of the conversation, NICELY. Say, hon, come on now, I really need you to be serious and help me figure this out. I need your help, I know you got some good ideas. (ego up)Remind him NICELY, that you don't have the luxury to not think about it. Say I wish I could, but I'm really worried here, so honey, help me think of something that can work so we both can have a good time.I know spouses can be trying, but you need to get through to them this IBS is no joke. My husband kept on puting the toliet seat cover down, which didn't help my 10 second dash. so I put a post it note on the cover," please leave the cover up" he laughed at the note stopped doing it. Trying I know but keep after them until they get it. Its wrong for these spouses not to understand and HELP YOU/US. This IBS is crippling.
Dear friends:You know there could be something to that "gay men" suggestion!!!!love, michele-
My husband doesn't get ANGRY so much as he does FRUSTRATED
It's hard for me to make plans way ahead of time, because I never know how my stomach is going to be. I'm fine with that. I kind of like to just get-up-and-go on a good day. My hubby is the total opposite. He wants to know Monday what we're going to be doing the following weekend, LOL
I just am not able to do that. I've just learned not to commit myself to too many things these days, because I never know if I'll be able to make it or not. What REALLY bugs my poor hubby is when I DO commit to something, and then have to end up staying home because I'm having a bad day with my UC. Sometimes I feel so badly for him. When he married me, I *NEVER* wanted to stay home. My UC was in check, and I was always in go-go-go mode. He used to beg me to please just let us stay home one weekend so we could rest, LOL
Boy, have things changed!! I can't complain too much though...hubby takes great care of me. I am not working right now due to problems with my UC, and he is very, very supportive about that. I thank God for him, I really do.
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I have had both experiences and I can say that my wonderful husband is so supportive of my IBS. He is the one who found Zofran when Lotronex was taken off the market, he is the one who encourage me to see a therapist when I thought I would be stuck at home forever, he is the one who understand and stops where ever I say stop when I have a bout coming on. He lets me drive, he helped me tell his family so they understand and even though he get frustrated on occasion because I can't do something, it is not the most important thing, we just adjust the plans.For example, this weekend we went on vacation with a lot of car riding (not the best thing) and he made an extra trip to take his son to a soccer game so that I would not have to be in the card for that period of time. I feel lucky and blessed to have found this wonderful man.On the other side, my ex insisted that I had IBS to punish him, that I was making it all up, and all types of other not so nice things. He and I ended up driving everywhere in separate cars so that I would not bother him with my problem.My son has seen both sides of the equation and he will be a supportive adult someday and I have my wonderful husband to thank for that.So it can be good, it can be supportive and I have found that talking about it honestly ( and sharing this BB with my DH) is the best thing to do.
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