Family not helping?

370 Views 18 Replies 7 Participants Last post by AlmostFamous, Jun 23, 2004

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · Jun 20, 2004

My family is generally very supportive of me. My IBS I have realized seems to more due to stress than my actual diet. I am seeing that a lot of the stress comes from family and trying to please them instead of myself. However when I explain to them that they need to be a little more sensitive with what they say to me, they act like I don't know what I am talking about, that I take things the wrong way and they don't have anything to do with it. Could that be true? Am I just blaming them for my own shortcomings in dealing with this? For example, they say that there are other more important things to be upset about than the actual dumb things that work me up into a frenzy. I know that of course, but when they say that it makes me feel even worse for getting worked up over the dumb things (if that makes sense). Any advice? I'm trying to ignore my inner voice which happens to be them a lot of the time, but it's hard to undo the years of conditioning.

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

luvslegal

· #2 · Jun 20, 2004

i kinda lucked out because Igo to a support group. It isn't for IBS, but I can share freely. It kinda takes the stress away from my family.

luvslegal

· #3 · Jun 20, 2004

i kinda lucked out because Igo to a support group. It isn't for IBS, but I can share freely. It kinda takes the stress away from my family.

Sheridan

· #4 · Jun 21, 2004

Hi AF,Gee, I know exactly where you're coming from. That conditioning is a VERY powerful thing isn't it? You're doing better than I am however. For a long time I found it easier to eat whatever my parents put in front of me when I went to visit and just put up with the consequences. Then recently I had such a bad reaction to some soup that my mother made that I actually started to refuse the food that they were offering. I get lectured about having to eat SOMETHING and get told to stop worrying about my health - I mean, there's nothing really wrong with me, is there?? They do suffer from fierce denial. So I don't have any advice for you, but I do know how you feel. I just find myself wanting to avoid my family. I try to build up my emotional strength by not jumping every time they call, not returning their calls right away and sometimes not going ahead with their visits because the timing doesn't suit me.

Sheridan

· #5 · Jun 21, 2004

Hi AF,Gee, I know exactly where you're coming from. That conditioning is a VERY powerful thing isn't it? You're doing better than I am however. For a long time I found it easier to eat whatever my parents put in front of me when I went to visit and just put up with the consequences. Then recently I had such a bad reaction to some soup that my mother made that I actually started to refuse the food that they were offering. I get lectured about having to eat SOMETHING and get told to stop worrying about my health - I mean, there's nothing really wrong with me, is there?? They do suffer from fierce denial. So I don't have any advice for you, but I do know how you feel. I just find myself wanting to avoid my family. I try to build up my emotional strength by not jumping every time they call, not returning their calls right away and sometimes not going ahead with their visits because the timing doesn't suit me.

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #6 · Jun 21, 2004

I mentioned Xanax and they're like "Just stop getting worried over dumb things and you'll be ok". Wow. What a help! :|I am not going to avoid them, but I am just going to stand up for myself. They're not experts on life either- they've done plenty wrong too!

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #7 · Jun 21, 2004

I mentioned Xanax and they're like "Just stop getting worried over dumb things and you'll be ok". Wow. What a help! :|I am not going to avoid them, but I am just going to stand up for myself. They're not experts on life either- they've done plenty wrong too!

Kathleen M.

· #8 · Jun 21, 2004

Well your family tends to be really good at pushing your buttons because they INSTALLED them.Sometimes people have been pushing a button for so long they forgot that they installed it , and can't understand why telling you X makes you so crazy (just because 15 years ago they installed that button so they could use it to drive you crazy).Try being specific when it happens trying not to be too emotional about what is going on. Don't jump on it like "SEE THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!!". More of a "you know, when you tell me I am being a idiot (or whatever button they are using) that really makes me feel like you ....."Now, they may not care, some people do not, but it can help you figure out why some things push your buttons (even writing it out later).No one has being a human being down perfect, but it is sooooo much easier to see the flaws in someone else. And easier to try to get them to fix theirs then to work on your own....the if everyon else would just....version of self-improvement

It can be hard to figure out when it is your issue, or their issue (am I too sensitive, or do they just get off on making me cry) but usually it does take two to tango, and there is something going on with both sides of the equation (or at least something each side can do to make things better even when they are not the cause of the problem).K.

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Kathleen M.

· #9 · Jun 21, 2004

Well your family tends to be really good at pushing your buttons because they INSTALLED them.Sometimes people have been pushing a button for so long they forgot that they installed it , and can't understand why telling you X makes you so crazy (just because 15 years ago they installed that button so they could use it to drive you crazy).Try being specific when it happens trying not to be too emotional about what is going on. Don't jump on it like "SEE THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!!". More of a "you know, when you tell me I am being a idiot (or whatever button they are using) that really makes me feel like you ....."Now, they may not care, some people do not, but it can help you figure out why some things push your buttons (even writing it out later).No one has being a human being down perfect, but it is sooooo much easier to see the flaws in someone else. And easier to try to get them to fix theirs then to work on your own....the if everyon else would just....version of self-improvement

It can be hard to figure out when it is your issue, or their issue (am I too sensitive, or do they just get off on making me cry) but usually it does take two to tango, and there is something going on with both sides of the equation (or at least something each side can do to make things better even when they are not the cause of the problem).K.

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sadone

· #10 · Jun 22, 2004

i love my family, but the best way i found to cope with most of them is to distance myself...and not to discuss my health problems too much with them cuz they just don't listen anyway so i'm wasting my energy (which is low enough as it is!)...

sadone

· #11 · Jun 22, 2004

i love my family, but the best way i found to cope with most of them is to distance myself...and not to discuss my health problems too much with them cuz they just don't listen anyway so i'm wasting my energy (which is low enough as it is!)...

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #12 · Jun 23, 2004

I freaked out on my Dad last night because he left my apt. in disarray after doing me a favor by installing the A/C in my house for me. I was conflicted because I was pissed off about the mess but I didn't want to be mad because he did me a favor and as a result I ended up crying...! I told him that he is adding to my stress by doing that and making more work for me, etc. I feel horrible I flipped on him. I am hoping last night was rock bottom for me and from now on I'll be able to deal with things like a normal person and not get upset over little annoyances like that...or at least make my way towards that goal. But the distance thing was suggested by a friend as well- not shutting them out, but just maybe not relying on them so much or talking to them every day. I need the distance to remember how to listen to myself and not have them chime in in the background of my thoughts (if you can follow that! LOL)

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #13 · Jun 23, 2004

I freaked out on my Dad last night because he left my apt. in disarray after doing me a favor by installing the A/C in my house for me. I was conflicted because I was pissed off about the mess but I didn't want to be mad because he did me a favor and as a result I ended up crying...! I told him that he is adding to my stress by doing that and making more work for me, etc. I feel horrible I flipped on him. I am hoping last night was rock bottom for me and from now on I'll be able to deal with things like a normal person and not get upset over little annoyances like that...or at least make my way towards that goal. But the distance thing was suggested by a friend as well- not shutting them out, but just maybe not relying on them so much or talking to them every day. I need the distance to remember how to listen to myself and not have them chime in in the background of my thoughts (if you can follow that! LOL)

WARRAVEN

· #14 · Jun 23, 2004

In this matter, they just better stay clear of that area. They are insensitive and self-centered and have problems of their own. They don't usually see it as an illness, but a matter of choice when I can't eat something. And they don't link stress or sleep to any of it, so with amitriptyline, I have to get a lot of sleep, usually they then call me lazy and wake me up when the decide I need to run another errand for them. I've decided that I don't need them or any of thier support, so that usually keeps my stress to a min. Raven

WARRAVEN

· #15 · Jun 23, 2004

In this matter, they just better stay clear of that area. They are insensitive and self-centered and have problems of their own. They don't usually see it as an illness, but a matter of choice when I can't eat something. And they don't link stress or sleep to any of it, so with amitriptyline, I have to get a lot of sleep, usually they then call me lazy and wake me up when the decide I need to run another errand for them. I've decided that I don't need them or any of thier support, so that usually keeps my stress to a min. Raven

Paiger81

· #16 · Jun 23, 2004

My dad is great with denial. When I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks my doc asked me to get a family history to see if it was genetic. I ask my dad(who was a hippie in his day)and his reply"Why do you think I took all those drugs in my younger years?" so he knows he has issues but doesn't acknowledge them.My favorite is when people tell me to stop worrying about everything. My answer is "if I could stop that, I wouldn't have been on meds, and wouldn't have IBS, now would I?" most people shut up after that.

Paiger81

· #17 · Jun 23, 2004

My dad is great with denial. When I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks my doc asked me to get a family history to see if it was genetic. I ask my dad(who was a hippie in his day)and his reply"Why do you think I took all those drugs in my younger years?" so he knows he has issues but doesn't acknowledge them.My favorite is when people tell me to stop worrying about everything. My answer is "if I could stop that, I wouldn't have been on meds, and wouldn't have IBS, now would I?" most people shut up after that.

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #18 · Jun 23, 2004

my biggest problem is being told what to do still after all these years. Like "you need to take care of this: __(insert task here)". I know it is all supposed to be helpful, but it's just added to my daily responsibilities I have that they may not even be aware that I already have. I didn't talk to any of them yesterday and magically had an anxiety free day. Hmmm...coincidence?

AlmostFamous

Discussion Starter · #19 · Jun 23, 2004

my biggest problem is being told what to do still after all these years. Like "you need to take care of this: __(insert task here)". I know it is all supposed to be helpful, but it's just added to my daily responsibilities I have that they may not even be aware that I already have. I didn't talk to any of them yesterday and magically had an anxiety free day. Hmmm...coincidence?

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