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Hello

So after about 5 years of this problem i can say that it has really screwed with my mind and it has completely changed me as a person into nothing, i am literally so insecure and i dont want to swear but it has completely fucked with my head and i am now self aware of every little thing i do and i analyse everything i do, for example if someone says hi to me i can be thinking about if i answered the person in a polite way for hours after the encounter.

I've always been holding in my bms and urine because i simply was too lazy and thought "i can poop later" so I can remember this one time where i went over a week without a bm. Nowadays I defecate when I have to which is every 2-3 days and the bms are soft and I always feel like somethings left inside so I strain during all bms and I usually manage to get that last bit out but sometimes I dont.

About 5 years ago it started being impossible to clean after bms and i would leak fecal material until i showered. I also felt wet or damp around my anus which had a bad smell, it looked like mucous but white. I also started to get comments around me like "who farted" and people in class sitting behind my would say it smells like someones farting all the time. This caused me to become this nerve-wreck around people and i would constantly be contracting my sphincter to not let any gas out. I would also be waking up with mucous around my anus which i ofcourse had to wash off.

When this all started the problem was so bad but after i started college and came to a class with almost only boys in i started to care less about how i looked and what i did and it was at this time the problem became better, during this time almost no one said anything about a smell which felt great and i also discovered i had some kind of skin fold which fecal matter would get trapped in so i had to open that fold with my fingers and clean it with wet toilet-paper. Nowadays the mucous leakage stops the first day after a bm but then comes back after the second day and i dont leak fecal matter after ive had a bm so i guess the condition has improved.

I know ive missed a lot of information but guys i really need help. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is that i know my family would suffer if i did and i also feel like starting to do drugs...
 
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