Hello all,I figure this is as good a place to write this, as you guys will all know the extra physical stresses that come along with what is going on.I had a wonderful boyfriend. Everything was perfect except he lived 3532 miles away, and he did not want to think about marriage for about five years. Ok. So everything was far from perfect. But I love him terribly.And needed more. There is a line in a Kelly Clarkson song, "And if I can make it through the tears and the laughter, will it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?" I guess this is one of those beautiful disasters.I hate to say I did what everyone says is a natural inclination with such distance. But I had not been kissed or touched for six months. And my boyfriend had not been flirting or affectionate with me.And I made a choice, I fully made the choice, and everyone who knows me knows that I haven't inhibitions to lower by alcohol, it was me who made the choice. And I probably made the choice before I left the house. I know I did. I wanted to go dancing, to get out the sexual energy that was haunting me.But instead I went to a friends house. And by the end of the night made out with a guy who is not, was not, will probably not be my boyfriend. A convenient stranger, who I have little fear of actually wanting me long term.My boyfriend is my best friend. And I woke up, went home, and called him. And being the wonderful man he is, he wants to be my best friend. And says that he has done worse.And my friends are not angry or admonishing. They understand my simple need, "I needed to be kissed." And maybe there was so much more then that.But I am sad, and ashamed. I am low, and base.And I can not stand to eat. Perhaps I am punishing myself. Or perhaps it is the movement in my face that makes me need to cry, or the tenseness in my throat that makes it hard to swallow.And I remember something my mother said to me once, "Do something about this before you kill yourself."So I am forcing myself to eat.Everything seems surreal. I don't want to speak. I want to be silent. I want to write.Nothing that has happened has had to do with love. I have not lost my best friend.I have lost myself.~Alexis Parker