[Soon2BMrs]

I'm new to this forum, but I'm glad I stumbled upon it. I need advice on how to talk to my future husband about his IBS. A little background: We're getting married in a few weeks and have been living together for over a year. He was only recently diagnosed with IBS but has been living with the symptoms almost his whole life. We've both been adjusting and living with it the best we can, but we've never really talked about it until recently, and it didn't go well. We just don't seem to be on the same page. It's almost like he's in denial about it. After a particularly bad attack that sent him to the doctor, I tried talking to him. I told him that because his symptoms are severe enough that they interfere with his daily life, I think it's time he sought treatment and started changing his diet. His doctor advised him to do the same. While he's willing to take meds to treat his IBS, he refuses to change his diet. He continues to eat foods he knows causes him to have IBS attacks. And he doesn't agree with me that this has affected both our lives. (I completely disagree; IBS has impacted our sex life, caused him to miss work, interrupted plans and social outings, drains him of energy, and has impacted his overall health and happiness.) I know he never chose to have a chronic illness. I know this is embarassing for him. I know that no matter how much he tries to manage this, he will probably always have symptoms. And I have no problem upholding my promise to love and care for him in sickness and in health. I just find it frustrating that he won't even acknowledge there's a problem or make more of an effort to make the changes his doctor recommends. I want to be a supportive partner and to help him live as healthy, full, and pain-free a life as he can. Please tell me how I can talk to him about this. And if you feel that my attitude about this is all wrong, please by all means feel free to adjust it. But I do have to ask that you please be nice. I already feel terrible and selfish for having these feelings, and I have no one else to talk to about this.

 

[Bonzi]

Sounds like you are incredibly supportive about this. I think you did the right thing, by putting it all out on the table like that. Letting him know you care about him and are there to help and support him deal with this. Theres only so much you can do. The rest is on him. Just leave the conversation with, "Ill support you no matter what, and when your ready to tackle it, Im here to help" and thats really all you can do, and frankly thats offering quite alot. Good luck!

 

[Cherrie]

Hi Soon2BMrs, Welcome to the forum! Please don't feel bad -- we all understand how you feel and it's normal to have all these feelings. It sounds like you are very very supportive of your finance. And it's so very considerate and caring of you to seek help/ideas for him.It's normal to find it hard to talk about things like this -- even for couples without having to deal with IBS. I still remember when I first talked about my IBS with my husband. So even though your finance has been having these symptoms for a long time, he's still pretty newly diagnosed (or psychologically, having to accept that he has IBS), it's pretty normal to be in denial for some time. Most people do get out of denial, sooner or later.Although ideally, like you said, open communication plays an important role, Since he's not ready to talk or actively make lifestyle changes at this moment, it may worth a try to "speak with action" so to speak

-- for example, for the first month or two, make meals with materials that are generally considered safe for him (or for IBS patients as suggested by his dr.), and eat together with him. (You could always give yourself a treat with the food you like when you're not eating with him. And later when he gets used to it, you could make an extra dish for yourself even when he's home -- by then he's probably realized it's good for him to stick to his own diet and not to eat yours). This way, he may either just accept what you make for him, or open up and talk to you, or both Best of luck! And do keep us posted!Cherrie xoxo

 

[Genie75]

Just want to say from the point of view of someone who does have IBS, and coming from someone who has had many fights with friends, coworkers, my bf over how I should eat, what I should take, what I should do, etc. I'm just sharing my feelings. But for myself, with IBS I have very strong feelings of having lost control over my body and to a lesser extent on some days, the loss of control over my life because of my IBS. My bf and I fight a lot and the biggest thing is that he doesnt' realize that I need to be in control of my own day to day management of my chronic illness. I appreciate all the suggestions every one gives, but no-one can really make final decisions on one's health decisions except the individual themself. For myself, I need the freedom to deal with it as I see fit, and I need the space to not talk about it if I don't want to talk about it. I am plain tired and explaining to everyone around me why I eat the way I eat, or why I am not eating today. It is exhausting having IBS and a sick person just needs to left alone to find their own way to deal with it. And unfortunately with symptoms changing every day, every year, and often having little understanding of why, and their doctors having little understanding either. The best thing I would want from my bf is to be there for me, stop trying to get me to eat this or do that, and just let me be to try to get thru my day as best as I can. My son makes the best roommate cause he just lets me be and I do very well. But around my bf it's so tense and I feel pressure to "fix" the problem instead of acceptance that I have this problem but I can still be myself.