Rules for politically correct passing of gas.

1850 Views 49 Replies 6 Participants Last post by Haniel, Mar 22, 1999

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Discussion Starter · Mar 13, 1999

Excessive bloating and gas is a problem with IBS.I am rumbling even as I type.This would be a good place to start a guide for relieving the pressure(?) of this socially unacceptable occerance.I am very confused.I have to admit the bean scene from Blazing Saddles is one of my favorites.I am overweight but my but is in great shape from the workout it has gotten through the years.You know the one"ohpleasegodletmeholdthisonetillicanget tosomewheretoletgo"isometric butt workout. I will go with the first rule.ALWAYS warn co workers of the SBD gas.A True friend and professional would not let you go into the red alert zone without protectivegear.ie:gasmask,perfume,lysol or scarf.Love Pattee

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Discussion Starter · #21 · Mar 14, 1999

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Silver!I thought I would fall off the chair laughing with that one... All of these have been. Still can almost see Pattee blowing up the planet!

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Discussion Starter · #22 · Mar 14, 1999

When Pattee's pantyhose start swelling up - we all start running, right???

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Discussion Starter · #23 · Mar 14, 1999

There was this old man that needed to go into a nursing home but he didn't like it there. His son promised him that he would try to find him a better one. So finally he found a really nice place for his dad. The first week he was there every went find, the food was good. The place was clean, the help were friendly. One day at the table,the old man was sitting there when suddenly he leaned over to the left. the nurse ran over and sit him up straight, straightened his clothes and give him back his fork and spoon. Later that night in the TV room the old man tilted over to the right. The Nurse once again sit him up and straightened him up.The next day his son came to check on him and ask how he like it there. The old man said, Well the place is clean and the food is good and the people are nice but there is just one thing wrong. The son ask what that might be. The old man said...THEY WON'T LET YA FART

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Discussion Starter · #24 · Mar 14, 1999

I am so sorry I missed all the fun Friday. This is my contribution if anybody is still following this thread. I love professional ice skating and asked my husband "I wonder why this one skater (I can't remember her name) wears her leotard's over her skates instead of inside like the other girls". His answer was "so that when she farts she won't blow her skates off". His family holds the world record for farting. AND they are all quite proud of it. He had 2 brothers and lots of male cousins and uncles and believe me they were a competitive bunch! For at least 10 years he really believed that I never farted. I still try to convince him that it is a once a year thing. He is so busy with his own racket that half the time he isn't aware of my contributions. Thanks for the laughs. Where else can we discuss this with strangers or even friends, for that matter?

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Discussion Starter · #25 · Mar 14, 1999

Ok guys, I have a million funny fart stories but here is one of the real good ones.When I first started dating my husband, we were at the beach for the day & stopped off at my house so I could change & then head out for dinner. My older brother happened to be visiting that day so off I went to my room to get cleaned up leaving my date in the kitchen with my mother & brother. (what WAS I thinking?!)I quickly changed & went back down stairs. Upon re-entering the kitchen I found my brother standing ON the table bent over with his hands firmly wrapped around his ankles. He was red faced & grunting the words "ANKLE GRIPPER"!!My mother was practically rolling on the floor in laughter & my poor boyfriend sat in the corner not knowing what the hell to do!We went out to dinner...& I remember thinking all evening, "there goes another one out the door"!sass

PS- we'll be celebrating our 10th this year!

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Discussion Starter · #26 · Mar 16, 1999

Sass congrats on your 10 years.I just about wet my pants reading your story.Ive always suspected that girls were raised believing farting was bad and boys were raised farting was good.(Goes hand in hand with who can belch longest and grossest)tmo thanks for rhyme that was excellent.I have committed to memory.And for the record I no longer wear panty hose.LOLBarney the joke was GREAT.silver and Charlie I am so bummed i never could get the email to print up the pctures.I am still anovice.I have sved them and I will keep trying to decode them.I have added your joke to my collection as well Joyce.Lordy but I was miserable with gas on Friday.Laughter and and some exercise helped.Thanks my Friends LovePattee

charlie

· #27 · Mar 16, 1999

i hope this comes out,it's a sound file

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Discussion Starter · #28 · Mar 17, 1999

Passing Gas Survival Tip #1:After farting in bath, DO NOT BREAK BUBBLES!sass

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Discussion Starter · #29 · Mar 17, 1999

Sass you kill me.survival tip #2 When spouse passes gass in bed do not move or lift covers!!

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Discussion Starter · #30 · Mar 17, 1999

Okay - I couldn't resist. Here's a little ditty:Artie Fartie had a partyeveryone was there.Tutti Frutti let a beautyAnd they all went out for air!And now that I'm on the subject:Beans, beans - a wonderful fruit.The more you eat, the more you toot.The more you toot, the better you feel.So let's have beans for every meal!You guys are SO funny!

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Discussion Starter · #31 · Mar 17, 1999

Passing Gas Survival Tip #3:When spouse decides to "air out" the covers - leave room immediately! Tip #4When family member announces "I farted - better clear out," don't hesitate (run for the hills!)

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Discussion Starter · #32 · Mar 18, 1999

hahahaheheheheLOLOLOLOLOL

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Discussion Starter · #33 · Mar 18, 1999

You heard about the guy who farted in bed and then pulled the covers up over his wife's head......

You guys are all a gas.Sorry Charlie, but the sound file failed to f---.

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Discussion Starter · #34 · Mar 18, 1999

Charlie I tried but couldn't get it to work wither..... Sorryhttp://forsite.net/kimh/may2/beans.wav

[This message has been edited by Joyce (edited 03-17-99).]

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silver

· #35 · Mar 18, 1999

Since all you guys are stuck on this, here goes.

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Discussion Starter · #36 · Mar 18, 1999

Hey Pattee,You know you're passed that awkward stage of a relationship when you can finally "let one" infront of the guy instead of holding it untill you feel like you're going to explode!sass

PS- Silver, I love the picture!![This message has been edited by sass (edited 03-17-99).]

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Rose

· #37 · Mar 18, 1999

Silver, Pattee, must have started this thread for you. With each post of yours I laughed harder. That picture,too much!I wish I was creative, as you. Can't think of a single tip.

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Discussion Starter · #38 · Mar 18, 1999

hereis my last bit of advice Go ahead and pass the gas its only polite to share.To keep it in is a sinTake it out to air.If someone sayswho took aS####%&Just look at them and sayDont have a fit ,it isnt s####$%And grin and do it again.Thats it I promise.When the muse takes over I HAVE to go with it.Love Pattee

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Discussion Starter · #39 · Mar 18, 1999

Well, Pattee, I for one will be sad to see this classy, artsy (see Silver) (or is that artsy-fartsy?

), poetic, somewhat humorous and ALWAYS entertaining piece of literary genious go gently into the night! Too bad there isn't an IBS Hall of Fame (I mean, they do it for OTHER sports, don't they), this would definitely qualify. Whatever will we do for fun now???Kathy------------------(AKA Shari)

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Discussion Starter · #40 · Mar 18, 1999

HeyKate I had my fingers crossed LOL

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