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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello Everyone:I found out yesterday that I have been scheduled to have exploratory surgery on March 23rd. The news is bittersweet. I am happy as it may provide from answers, but afraid of the surgery itself as I have never had anything like this done in my life. I feel I have reached a point where it is so hard to be optimistic. I am never happy anymore. Once described as "cheerful" and "bubbly", I am not feeling that way these days. I have a loss of appetite, I have trouble sleeping, I can't concentrate - and I start to cry over the littlest things. My family doesn't know what to do and they are avoiding me. My mom keeps our conversations short and simple. I feel like she has nothing to say to me. I feel like I "depress" her. I feel so misunderstood and not believed and I am plagued by thoughts of my future. Will things always be this way? I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow about the possiblity of starting some anti depressants. I saw her last week and I stated how I was feeling but she didn't give me anything. I hate to complain all the time, I feel so guilty for feeling the way I have been and the drain I have been on my family and friends. I seem to push them away - and it is difficult to express to them how very much I need them right now. I wanted to visit my twin sister this weekend, but I don't feel she wants me out there. I am willing to drive the 2 hours to see her - but I'm afraid to suggest this to her in fear of how I will feel at being rejected. My brother told me tonight that is is "human nature" for people to pull away when they just don't know how to respond. Wow, that made me feel better. I have even thought about killing myself. As scary as this may be, sometimes the thought of living is scarier. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just feeling so hopeless tonight. I just can't see the hope anymore.What people must think of me. I feel like such a loser.Love Always,Brittany
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Oh my Brittany, big hugs to you. It really is human nature for people to pull away when they don't know how to communicate their feelings or know how to support you. I know this to be true because my husband and sister are the same way. Your family really does love you. Don't back away from them when you need them the most. What kind of exploratory surgery will you have? Please don't give up hope. This could be the solution to your problems. Keep me posted on how you are doing. Prayers and good thoughts for you. Sharon
 

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Hello Brittany,Your case sounds like classic depression. I am glad you are taking control over your life by asking your doctor for anti-depressants. That is the best thing you can do. You will feel much better once you are on them and barely remember this part of your life. Just to let you know I read your message and you have taken the first step by asking for help. I am not very good with words and all I can say is hang in there and if you post something I will read it. You have a friend.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you, I have been watching for a reply. Everything seems SO hard right now. I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry but I suppose it doesn't really matter cause I can do neither. Thank you for your words of support. I feel so alone and isolated. I just wish I had a girl friend to "pop" over and see me for the company. To talk with ......
 

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It is very hard when you have no girl friends to talk to. I have been in the same position myself. I didn't socialize for many years .IBS is a very isolating disease isn't it? Anti depressants will definitely help. I am sure you will get more messages of support
 

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Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've been experiencing some of the same feelings over the last couple of weeks. As a result of reoccuring panic attacks I've pretty much lost my job, friends I've known for years have have quit calling, and I'm not leading what I would call a quality life. It hurts when those who you are close to walk away because they're the people who you think are going to stand by you. My boss who was diagnosed with breast cancer said she lost lots of friends over it. No one calls her anymore and she says people are scared of the unknown.. isn't that the truth! But like the others said, you're doing the right thing by seeking help. Perhaps even some counselling might be of benifit to you, but that's a personal choice. If you need anyone to talk to please email me:shyra22f###yahoo.com
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am trying not to feel bitter and resentful, but it hurts soooooooo much. That I feel I have to lie and say "I'm fine" when I'm not so people will offer me love and acceptance. Because I am not diagnosed yet, I feel like people question and doubt my pain. Perhaps they think I am faking because I do not have a name for my pain? Perhaps they just think my pain is secondary to my depression and perhaps my true pain is of an emotional or mental nature? Thats what I think they think. I know they love me, but I need to feel it. By their support and presence in my life, not their alienation. I feel like something that has to be "dealt" with, by family, friends and doctors. Sometimes I just don't feel human anymore. I feel like I'm on Mars while everyone else is enjoying and living on Earth . . . and I just don't know how to cope and survive up here on Mars by myself.Brittany
 

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There is an interesting article on medscape that IBS is often misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder. It happens far too often. And in any case pain is pain, whether it is due to a mental reason or physical. It affects the person just as badly. People need to understand that. [This message has been edited by bonniei (edited 02-24-2001).]
 

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Brittany I didn't hear from you again. Do keep us posted on which medication your doctor prescribes for you and how you are doing. Don't give up hope. A counsellor will probably be more effective in getting you to talk than I have been.
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Brittany,I think you should see a therapist -immediately! so you can tell her/him exactly how you feel. In the therapists office you can rant and rave and be depressed. Its very important for you to be able to express these feelings which are intense, honestly without worrying how you make others feel and if the person will like you afterwards or feel burdened. You may feel less depressed all the time if you can see someone who you can let it all out to -just once a week. It really helps-plus they might have some good advice for you.I was seeing a therapist who dealt with and once had ibs and she was a world of help to me. I would come in and talk about how it made me feel inhuman and how i'd lost hope-just saying it made me feel human again. Its important, though to find one that you can talk to, and who understands what effect a physical illness can have on our emotions and vice versa. But even if you can't find a good one who has smart ideas, even a bad one is a good ear and that helps.Good luck to you. Please don't give up-i'm not!--Susan
 

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Oh dear. I really can relate, too. You have support here for sure. The last few weeks have been really hard for me too. I also feel guilty about feeling so bad and people just say "forget about it". That's impossible. A few times this week, I've felt hopeless and at the end of my rope. Like you said, it's like being on another planet and watching people live their life on earth and you are somewhere else. I'm very down lately too so you are not alone. However, you have hope. You are taking steps to find out what is wrong and getting some medication. That is terrific. Do not give up. You are a fighter, it is easy to quit so don't give in to it. Remember, your brain is more powerful than your body. Wish I could visit and talk with you tonight, but remember thoughts are with you and keep reading and writing.
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Brittany honey we do not doubt your pain! We have all been there in one way or another and life can be so hard, I know, but please know that we love you and are rooting for you every day. Please consider seeking out a therapist. I was totally taken back by the thought of therapy, but I don't know what i would do without my therapist. You can tell them everything you're afraid to express to your love ones and you can tell them your deepest darkest secrets and they feel no different towards you. Your pain in your belly and soul are both very real right now sweetheart, but it will get better. Love you Daisymae.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hello,Thank you for your words of support, encouragement and hope. I know you are all right, it is just difficult for me to see clearly through this spectrum of self doubt and self loathing. I miss my mom tonight. I wish I could tell her how alone I feel and how afraid. How tired I am of being in constant pain - how I am afraid to fall asleep at night afraid I will only wake up yet once again in pain. If everyone is tired of hearing about it, then they can't imagine how I am feeling at this point. I feel I am at my breaking point. I am so FRUSTRATED and I think - why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Sometimes I wish I had cancer. At least there is a name, and at least a treatment leading to a full remission. It is hard to battle the unknown. Perhaps on March 23rd I will find out I have endometriosis as they suspect. I think the first thing I will do is call everyone and I know and tell them so they will at long last know I am not a nut. Some people thought I was doing this for "attention". Well, I'd like to know - what attention? People not wanting to talk or being around you? Yeah, I love that kind of attention. Seems I can't get enough of it these days. Do I sound bitter? I feel so bitter you guys. I feel like I am hanging by a thread over here. Any of you live in Canada by the way?
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I know for a fact you aren't using this for attention! I mean my word! Who would want to use there bowel habits as a form of attention?!?! I ain't even anywhere near canada(Tennessee) but I'm with you there just the same. luv daisymae.
 

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Brittany, Promise you won't cyber smack me when I say this....here goes...I don't think there is a person on this board who hasn't thought, spoken, typed, at one time or another, the sentiments you have expressed tonight. I know your words are sooo familiar to me, I can hear them echo in my own head. Would you double cyber smack me if I said, some IBSers days are like this? How can we "keep our chins up", "just not think about it", "laugh it off", "try to think positive", "look on the bright side" etc....EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY? WE CAN'T. WE HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS!!! For which there is no cure. Nor is there a SINGLE treatment to alleviate symptoms, because the symptoms vary so from one person to another. There is no "quick Fix" It is insidious in how it colors our lives. There isn't a corner it doesn't get into. No one can walk in these worn out shoes of ours, but us. That's why I'm here. & I'll be forever grateful to Jeff for putting here ...here!You all KNOW what it is like, you are the only ones who know. Yes I've had my hubby read stuff here & get educated about it. & he's extremely understanding & supportive, but he doesn't ...he can't know like I know & like you KNOW. Accepting this IBS is just HARD. Accepting any chronic illness is HARD! Some days I think we are allowed to say: THIS BITES!!!!!! because IT DOES. So some days I'm wiping that smile off my face & I feel like ***p. I'm short w/my family, I lose patience but I'm HUMAN & I'm a sick human. AND yes when on those days somebody asks how I am .....I TELL THEM!!!! I'm not having a good day, or today is a bad day. Hey they don't want to hear that?? NOT my problem They ASKED. They don't want to know...then they shouldn't ask. I know that the next day might be better. And there's a good chance I'll feel better SOMETIME. But I don't think we can keep the brave face all the time. I don't think it is helpful. So whatever we do to keep going is OK. If its getting support here, going to counseling, taking anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds WHATEVER gets us thru...we MUST do. I feel like you all are family to me. Because you're gonna KNOW & be there when I want to cry, be angry about it, laugh about it. You're gonna be there & know, no matter what! You'll take me on a BAD day & on a GOOD day even if the rest of the world won't. So Brittany, let it all hang out hon. You can't be "happy" all the time. Its not healthy. You have some good ideas on how to get some help & I'm sure you'll feel better once you can follow thru on them. But don't feel like its the end of the world...its NOT. It is just our world & sometimes it just STINKS! ((HUG)) BQ
 

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Brittany, I know how you feel, since my gallbladder surgery and my minor ibs turned into major ibs, and add that with stomach problems and rapid weight lost, I been depressed since the surgery. I can look at myself in the mirror and cry sometimes, and I have this new body that looks pretty good right now, but lordy did I get it the hard way. I too am avoiding family, due to this fact mainly, they take one look at me and say "you better eat" I called my sister the other day due to being down and she just plain mean, telling me that I wasn't eating enough, that I wasn't doing what the doctors said to do, yak, yak..lol, I wanted to hang up on her but of course I didn't, after I got off the phone with her I thought what crawled up her butt
she has ibs too, but hers isn't that bad, kinda like mine was before surgery.., but when she is sick and down and out she cries rivers. I don't think isolating yourself is the answer, I know you are in pain, but try to get out and go somewheres, get outside and take walks, keep a journal on how you feel. Think positive. Tomorrow I plan on going for a visit to the folks house and of course I will hear, you don't need to lose no more weight, are you trying to lose weight, you better eat, and I come to the conclusion if they start saying things like that to me, I just going to tell them that I going to leave if they don't laid off
This advice I am giving you right now is what I am trying to do, its hard, sometimes I just want to go to bed and never get up, and I never was a type of person to be depressed for very long, my husband said I just let all the illness and complications get the best of me and he is right. Surgery itself is a scary thing, I hope they find answers for you. I too recommend you try an anti-depressant. I tried one once and I didn't like the side effects it gave me but they been wanting me to try another type, and I am giving it consideration. You will be in my prayers and if you need to talk, and you have icq or yahoo messenger, e-mail me and I will send you my number. God Bless and you are not alone.
 

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I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Brittany. Nobody can blame you for being depressed- I mean, you wake up every night in pain, don't you? No one can understand what we're going through but us. Not only do we have to deal with these symptoms but often we can't even talk to anyone about it. I've only let one friend in on the nature of my illness, and even then I rarely ever talk about it with her for fear of grossing her out or making her feel weird. Besides getting antidepressants, I think you should hook up with some of the people on this board, maybe see a therapist as well. I'm starting mine Monday.
 

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Hi Britanny,Me again. I live in Canada. Everyone is right about going for counselling. I started going last November and it was a world of help. I loved my therapist! I got to sit there for an hour and half and express my worries, my personal life and the problems I was having. Walking out of there after an after and a half made me feel 'cleansed'. I went once a week to see her and she did a great deal to help me. She was sympathetic and I was able to tell her things that I can't tell anybody else. She's not biased and she's not going to quit seeing me (like my friends) and the one thing to keep in mind is that this is their profession. I'd say some stuff and think to myself what a nutcase I must sound like, but just like M.D's, they've seen/heard it all. When you speak to your doctor ask if he/she has a list of therapists that work on a sliding scale service (some provide it for free if you don't have the means). I'm glad that you're keeping up with the board, please know that we're all here for you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I have to tell you from the overwhelming response that Mars is a lot less lonlier tonight. Thank you for joining me there. This is such a horrible bull**** whatever you want to call it. *Pardon my choice of words* But like BQ said, I'm gonna let it all hang out! I would never cyber smack you for anything you said in your post as you are so RIGHT. I can't be "brave" all the time. But I'll tell you I deserve the freakin academy more than Julia Roberts that is for sure. I have managed for the last few weeks to put on the performance of my life. For what? To pacify and soothe others? Well, if they can't "deal" with it, I'd rather them stay away because that isn't the support I need right now. If there sick of hearing it, well I'm just as sick of living it. If they don't want to hear it, then you are so RIGHT, they shouldn't ask. They might think I am "weak" but you know what? Admitting that I am not feeling well and weak - is a strength within its self. And I refuse to feel guilty or bad for reaching to those I love and care about for their love and support as I try to cope during difficult times. It is what makes me strong even if that strength happens to lie in a body that is betraying me. Thank you all for your words....... and your right, sometimes its okay to just feel bad. Sometimes, "woe is me" and consider what I've been through and what I'm about to go through, perhaps I deserve it. Do you want to know what would really cheer me up? If someone could tell me how the make the face of that green guy with the corny grin? Always wanted to do that but I don't know how. God, I am losing it!
 
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