[Auriga]

I read through this place an notice many things.. I learn stuff too.. but my feelings remain the same.I feel like my fiance is just quitting on everything (or maybe it's like someone else said an she's justhaving a hard time accepting her condition.. idk).I've read an heard so much about IBS-C (an the other types but hers is C) yet it's like no matter howI go about thinking (I'm a logical thinker mind you) I always come back to the conclusion how I'm beingtreated isn't fair.Now I can't get any kind of counseling an I don't want to get into money/work topics. I just can't shakethis feeling that her behavior is the "fallen out of love" type. Lemme try an explain my reasoning..After google-ing an running thru this site for what feels like ages I can't come up with any logical reasonsomeone with IBS-C would just cut out all the little things in a relationship like hugs, kisses, even theoccasional "I love you", an basic abilities to be reasonable as a list to start.If anything I've read people WITH any type of IBS try HARDER to keep the ones they love an go outof their way an even THRU pain or risk increased levels of pain to ensure they hold onto that persontheir with.However with my fiance it's the exact opposite! She doesn't even TRY to restore those things an I'mbecoming more convinced each passing day that she's been out of love with me for awhile.We have to argue an fight just to get her to consider that she's hurting me badly otherwise she'll justignore my suffering, she'll literally be near me an just claim she's "oblivious" if I ask then still does nothing.I've been depressed to some bad ends before.. an I can consider her being such but from experienceshe should at least CARE just a little somewhere deep down an I'm not even seeing THAT.. hell fromwhat I read around here people with IBS of any type feel bad at SOME point if the have a fight, theydon't just keep doing hurtful things to their loved ones forever an ever an etc.I'm prolly venting.. sensitive people who get the urge to flame me please don't.. be considerate please..I've invested 7 months of non-stop around the clock work into her.. it wouldn't kill her to be nice to meon her own without a fight having to happen beforehand to convince her/induce the idea.I just feel hopeless.. no where to turn to.. an can't let an old situation keep me from posting around here.We're at the breaking point.. I'll be homeless if we split up.. but I love her so much.. sigh..Like I said maybe I'm just venting.. but I got one rule before anyone posts a single thing, if you gotnothing nice to say don't say anything at all, constructive criticism is one thing but don't over-step it.(She has IBS-C an I don't - but I sure as hell try to be supportive)

 

[Kathleen M.]

Playing the "why aren't you like your good sibling game" (or like the good IBSers I found on a website) usually doesn't end up feeling supportive to the person needing the support.I will bet every last one of the people you think are trying harder has has times when they just gave up and didn't try. Some days people try and some days people don't. Sometimes they find things that work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they figure out how to have a good attitude even though they have the worst life ever, and sometimes they don't. And that is all in the same person. No one is ever perfect in how they cope and try every day all the time and never falters. We've all had bad days when we gave up and even the "good IBSers" have often had long periods of time when it wasn't going well and they didn't have a good attitude about how bad it was.You may not say those things to her out loud, but people pick up on the attitude that someone thinks that they are not good enough or they aren't doing things the way someone thinks they have to do things, etc. That kind of thing can be depressing to live with, even if the person who is doing it really wants the best for the person having the hard time. Now some people do respond well to the you are a loser who isn't trying type of thing, but usually in specific situations, not in all things.I hate to say this, but it may be time to have a good long talk and see if this really is the relationship both of you want. Or if both of you are willing to make the changes that will make it work, and it has to be both people who want to work on the relationship. If all you are going to do is make each other miserable because you just don't fit with each other it may not be the right relationship for either of you. I can only go by what you say as I'm not getting her side of the story, but how people handle the bad times and whether they compliment each other in a way that makes the hard time easier or the clash in a way that make the hard times worse can be what makes or breaks a relationship. Also, it can play a big role in how quickly or how completely someone recovers. Different people need different psycho-social environments to heal, and it can also make it much harder to heal when the personality styles and relationship styles clash in the wrong way.It may mean that for this to work you'd need some sort of couples counseling so you can figure out how be for each other in a way that works for both of you rather than this cycle you seem to be in that appears to be one that isn't working that well.

 

[Cherrie]

Auriga,First of all, these feelings that you are going through is what many people whose partner is chronically ill also go through. Being in a relationship with someone with a chronic illness such as IBS is something one has to personally experience to know what it is like, just like one has to have IBS to really have first-hand experience in how much suffering this illness can impose both physically and emotionally. When one person has a chronic illness, it is the couple that both experience and own the illness, not just the person who is ill. So, you are not alone in this and you are understood.So, with this as the basis of our discussion, and with the assumption that you are sincere and determined to make your relationship work, it is important to point out:While it is (esp. when real life begins to sink in) a common phenomenon to feel depressed, hopeless, angry, resentful, and isolated, as the person who is physically healthy, it is important and beneficial for you to not spin your mind down with these feelings. You know, those questions and emotions that you are at the moment going through is probably what your g/f has been going through, too -- the "why me", the "nothing will ever change" (your feelings about her "passiveness" and her feelings about the illness), the "it's not fair", etc... She might have expressed it differently by showing lack of interest in anything or anyone around her (people react to crisis differently). However, the frustration that both of you are feeling is the same. So, it could be helpful to understand how she feels about her own illness/life through how you feel about the illness. Remember, your frustration is, in the actual fact, NOT towards *her*, but towards how the illness has affacted her and your life together. And you not only experience her illness, but more importantly also *own* her illness. So, it's not like, "it's your illness your problem, not mine"; instead, it's more like "it's our illness and our mutual challenge".This way it is easier to align yourself with her in the same camp -- you two are hand-in-hand dealing with a common "opponent," the illness. She is not the opponent and you are not her opponent; the common opponent for both of you is her illness. It should be noted, too, that while having the feelings that you have is normal for the partner of a chronically ill person, it is a set of emotional reaction that needs to be addressed and delt with -- these are instinctive reactions to a difficult situation that one is not prepared to accept. Since it is not within her control to choose not to have this illness (I bet if she had a choice, she'd immediately vote for not having IBS), and it is equally not that much within her control at least at this stage to try to be more responsive/active (that's what depression is, and depression too is an illness), then it may not be as helpful to try to change her by meeting her level of frustration with your own. It may be more helpful to smooth out your own emotional "wrickles" first and this way it's easier for her to lower her shields and start to respond.Remember with IBS, or any kind of chronic illness, life will change -- the usual activities that you do; romance; and even ways of verbal communication (some want to talk about it while others don't) -- and it is important to set aside all resentment and blame (and let her know that your frustration is not directed toward *her*, but towards the illness, and it makes you feel sad how the IBS has affected her) and just have a calm and caring long talk as a start to establish a new life pattern that both of you can accept. Even after the establishment of this rough pattern, it still needs adjustments when real-life situation comes on up, and sometimes when her IBS is bad, all patterns could fall apart. And it is also important to allow the falling apart -- you know, the best of any relationship no matter whether that involves IBS or not, is that a couple allow each other to fall apart, give each other time, and help each other to pick the pieces back up. Just imagine yourself in her position, you would appreciate that, too. And even though at the moment you're not really into counseling, it still should be mentioned that couples counseling can be a really powerful tool -- I've done it with mine once and it was a GREAT feeling afterwards, feeling understood and understanding better too. And a professional could help us work through our problems much much better -- even my husband who used to firmly deny any opportunity to get counseling said it was so helpful and freeing.All the best,xoxo

 

[Auriga]

It's not that I don't want counseling, I can't GET counseling for reasons which I'm unable to go into at this timeso if that frustrates those attempting to help.. I am sorry.. it's out of my hands atm or I'd go.I understand IBS people even the good ones can have bad days.. but entirely bad years? whole an solid?I've not read of any such a circumstances thus far.. I've come across a few bad weeks an maybe a month.If I try to reason out a bit I might see 3 months gone bad.. but 7.. (slowly degrading months) pushing forwardnon-stop.. at this rate.. I've tried being supportive.. I've tried being motivational.. I've tried everything in mypower to help.. I know Cherrie doesn't know the story behind this but Kathleen should recall some details toknow where I'm coming from with all this.I whole heartedly agree that this need to be a dual support effort here.. it's why I'm venting is becauseI'm not getting that either. Just "I can't" over an over.. an over.. non-stop without any light at the endof this tunnel in sight.. not even a breeze is in this tunnel.I mean I asked if she could spare the moment to just hold my hand an be verbally supportive.. an allI got for an answer was "depends on my pain" which to anyone would sound harmless at first but reallythat's a junk answer.. she's only at a 5 of 10 on the pain scale.. she can get up to play with the dog fora few min or sit up for a few hours to use her laptop in bed but can't spare the time of day to hold myhand an say a few kind words? love making shouldn't be so impossible either but somehow it is all ofa sudden this month even if i'm ontop an as gentle as the wind (I know it sounds hard.. it is but i TRY).an mind you we used to manage this.She won't try walking.. she won't try the new peppermint caps again she got (she threw up once but she'dbeen saying for 2 days she'd threw up in her mouth before we got them) I can understand people giving upbut with everything at risk of ending even there isn't one sign she truely cares as much as she says an whenasked when she'd be able to prove her feelings even the slightest she says "well now that could bemonths" an I'm not supposed to take this personal? feel like I'm being pushed away? I mean howfar is my understanding supposed to GO?? at what point do my abilities to be reasonable & caringqualify for being exhausted enough to deserve some kind of co-operation from her on any level?Sigh..

 

[Kathleen M.]

I had six solid months of curl up in a fetal ball screaming for death 11 on a scale of 10 I wanted to cut my own colon out and strangle myself with it pain.So yes, it can be endless month after month of extremely severe symptoms with no good days, or even good minutes to help you get through it.If you can't afford it, many churches and most county mental health agencies have low cost to no cost options. You don't need to have insurance or be able to afford $150 a hour out of pocket. She could be to freaking depressed to be able to put on a good face and try something, anything. Chronic illnesses can cause severe depression where you are completely incapable of doing even one single thing to help yourself. Depression can be that bad. And no, you can't be the supportive one when you long for death every day and can't even get yourself worked up with enough energy to kill yourself. It really can be that bad. Often severely depressed people get to the point they can't even muster the energy to end their suffering. Often they only kill themselves after they get enough help that they feel well enough to actually plan something and carry it out.I don't know if that is her, but expecting emotional support from her if she is in that kind of state, is not going to happen.

 

[Auriga]

I'm going to avoid like I tried to explain topics regarding money or work.So.. ok Kathleen I hear you an all but what the hell am I supposed to do?just suffer on and on and on without her even trying to throw me even onebone here? Like I asked at what point do I qualify for "omg take a break..here have this"? never? what am I supposed to be here Jesus? >.>Seriously.. what about ME?

 

[SunNsnow]

Over 50% of couples divorce in the U.S. This is with or without IBS. And most divorces occurbefore most chronic diseases kick in.To me it sounds like three options can help:1.) couples therapy or2.) therapy for you by yourselfand/or 3.) therapy for her by herselfIt seems that you are still in love with her and trying hard to make it workbut from your perception, she is losing interest in the relationship. For her,this could be a temporary thing or it could be that she truly is falling out of lovewith you and wants to seperate. I understand you said counseling can not work now but perhaps in the near futureit can?

 

[Auriga]

No matter how hard I try to point out counseling is not optional no one gets it.I didn't want to be on these topics.. but sigh.. I'm only going to say this once.I'm broke, been so for years, I don't qualify for any form of assistance to makecounseling happen. I would LOVE the idea believe me.. but it ain't gonna happen.Please lets avoid this area of discussion.. I can't imagine fighting in here nor doI want to.I am considering peoples points of view on the matter ex: Cherri & Kathleen'sposts an I can't thank them enough for taking the time to write all that.

 

[Kathleen M.]

You can't be the kind of person you are not. You have to decide with her if this relationship is the best for you and for her. A lto of people can't be in a relationship with someone who is chornically and endlessly ill. It just isn't them and all they do is hurt themselves and the one they love by trying to force it.Heck, get a darn how to communicate with your SO workbook from the library. They do exist, and might help you two decide where to go from here. Even if you feel completely trapped there is always a way out, for both of you, either together or alone.I think a lot of our frustration is there really isn't much we can do to help other than say you are in a place where you really need to get help to get through this. None of us can be your therapist to get you through this, and unfortunately a lot of what do you have to do is impossible for us to say no matter how much you try to explain how much pain you are in.

 

[Auriga]

I feel you Kathleen.. ain't really no one here who can officially advise either of us.Like I said at the start.. I'm prolly just venting.. thanks anyways though for helping.Seems my original conclusion was right.. it just can't all be me.. she's reading all this anywaysso I hope she takes in some of it too an not just me. /prepares to be smacked upside the head >.<

 

[SunNsnow]

Auriga,I don't have health insurance and I have relatively serious issues(fistula, fissures, abscesses) (no diagnosis of IBS yet as they areconsidering Crohn's.) What I did was apply for assistance to a hospital and I got approved.I've been able to get blood work, stool tests, doctors visits every twoweeks, and about to undergo expensive diagnostic procedures. It could be that therapy is not an option because it is considerednot medically essential but I would try to look first. If I gave upwithout checking into it, I would be in bankrupcty by year's end.

 

[SunNsnow]

As Kathleen says, we're not experts. We can give you ideas. I guess when you're finally at your wit's end, the bestthing to ask her or tell her is, "I feel you are falling out of love withme and this is very difficult for me. I love you but am not feeling love back. If this what you want, then tell me now because it is hard for me to continue like this."

 

[Berserker-Gutts]

Hey, everyone.I'll introduce myself. I'm the fiance of Auriga.Yes, I have read pretty much all the posts he has created. So far, I only know of two topics in this entire forum that he created. This one being one of them.Now, I'm not the type of person to tell people about my disorder, because I'm just not social. But that's going out of topic. Sorry.Firstly, I want to state, as politely as I possibly can, that I have not fallen out of love with Auriga. We have our different views when it comes to my stupid disorder. I say stupid, because I REALLY, I mean REALLY, hate this illness. I've already repeated myself thousands of times that I simply become oblivious (I'm not saying that this is right of me to do. I just can't help it when I'm in constant pain of level five or higher.) and do not do other things when I am in pain (Walking, being romantic, etc.). Sad thing is, I'm in constant pain. I know Auriga understands my pain and sympathizes with me about it. But, as all people do with chronic pain illnesses, we have our share of fights, arguments, disagreements, etc.So please, I don't want anyone bashing him. He's a sensitive guy, and he means no harm to anyone. I understand he's frustrated. But at the same time, I want everyone to know that I am not evil or heartless. That's the last thing I need. We're just having difficult times right now. I've been complaining about stomach pains for a year or so, without much pain. It was more annoying than anything. It just turns out that towards the end of last year, I was told that I have IBS. Now, I'll admit, my romantic/intimate side pretty much went on lock down. But it's currently down simply because of the pain I'm having. I try my best to do the things that used to make me happy. And I've noticed that I am not what I used to be before this, but I have stated that in TIME I should slowly obtain my romantic/intimate side of me again.But, as I said, I am not the social type. So I'm not going to say EVERYTHING about me when it comes to my IBS. Just to what is related to this topic. And I, again, want to state that I HAVE NOT FALLEN OUT OF LOVE (Please don't take this as if I'm yelling. I've made them uppercase so people can see that I am serious about that fact.).Take care.

 

[Auriga]

SunNsnow - I've done just that in sooo many ways. Like I said I know people aren't experts to begiving out counselor type advice an at best all people can offer are ideas, an that's all I've beenlooking for, glad to see you found the words I needed to express what I was aiming for.I would just like to point out I weigh all ideas, opinions, advice given to me as best & carefullyas I am able. I'm prone to mistakes as is anyone else, I give my understanding but hope forthe same if that needs be said during all of this.

 

[SunNsnow]

This just became a soap opera. Berserker, how did you know he postedhere? Glad to hear you're not falling out of love. And I understand what you are going throughas the last thing on my mind is sex when I haveall these issues.

 

[Berserker-Gutts]

Lol.I knew because he's right next to me. >_> xD!!!But I understand. It's hard to do the things you used to do when you're in pain. It sucks hardcore. .___.''It's good to know someone understands me when it comes to that part. ^_____^''

 

[Auriga]

/considers changing the title to "days of our lives" possibly? lol..Uhm.. love making (sex) is very.. very critical in completing the expression of love.I'm sure the ladies around here won't be too kind of me saying I "need" that to survive.I won't get into the reasons why.. guys can feel free to back me up if they like >.>;;provided they understand where I'm coming from. I've proven I don't just want thatfor the sake of it.. she can back me up (hopefully) on this as I've tried proving myself here.But "sex" isn't the reason for all of this, it's one part of many I want restored to me to remainas I need to be in order to function.. ladies you know what I mean by "I want all the little things back".Those mean worlds upon worlds to me an are just as equal to "sex", I can't have one without the other.I hope that clears this section up on where I stand here.So yeah back to the advice/ideas an stuff if people have things to add.

 

[SunNsnow]

Oh, I assumed he was going behind your back and reading/postingto this forum. It's so nice that you have someone that cares so much about youand tries so hard to understand and emphatise with you. So is our work done here? Or can we be armchair psychologists fora few more hours

 

[Auriga]

Amusing.. but I'm just watching for others who might post at this point so I might have otherthings to consider. Bet no one thought she'd actually show up on here.. hey Kathleen you gotyour wish.. now you get to see her if for a moment.

 

[Berserker-Gutts]

Nah, we don't go behind each others backs like that. We're very loyal to each other.But I do completely agree when it comes to the fact that he cares about me, etc. Trust me, I was with someone else for a LONG time, and he didn't put a lot of effort in caring about me or understanding me. So I am very grateful for Auriga being what he is. You don't find qualities like that in a man or woman either sometimes or most of the time.