Good Morning, I'm not sure where to begin, but for the past few weeks I have been re-living my life all over, trying to figure out what happened to me, emotionally, to send me into this whirlwind that I call IBS and severe anxiety. I even have been dreaming my life while asleep, then waking up staring at the ceiling for hours.I am at a crossroad in my life, I need to get to the bottom of what happened to me, and so I am writing it down.I am starting to wonder if my ibs started the anxiety, or the other way around. I know I had d episodes at an early age, but who doesn't get D once in awhile?I seem to have issues with confrontation, WHY?My father is a life long alcoholic,for everyday of my life. I had to watch him come home everynight and threaten and down my mom, threaten me, and my brothers and sisters, and was the brunt of many ass beatings. Could living this childhood make me who I am today? MaybeWhen I was 15 years old a much bigger black friend from school raped me. How did this effect me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone until recently. I thought I had compartmented this shame in my brain and have not thought about it until last month. My local newspaper did a story on him on why he had to live with no freedoms,BTW, He did get caught and sent to prison, but not for his crime on me, but for 2 others boys. They put his story on the front page, with his picture right there, staring at me, and his address. Turns out he lives 2 doors down from my employees, whom I take home everyday. Is this where everything went downhill for me? I didn't think so until lately.I went into a shell, I started doing hard drugs, until one day I overdosed and went into a coma. Guess who was at my side at the Emergency room when I woke? My dad.And he came from the bar, and yes, he was drunk! My mother was too ashamed to come see if I was alive. Why?Is this where everything went wrong?I am not looking for sympathy here, I'm searching my life and trying to figure out why I stand where I am today. Are my problems from childhood? being raped? Doing drugs? I will find out.I always thought of myself as a fighter. I dug myself out of nowhere to success through all of this. Am I a success? I thought I was. Any job I ever took I always worked hard to get to the top, to be the leader, to make more money. Was this my way of being in control? I don't know...But I will find the answersI tried to raise my kids just the opposite of how I was, and in the process, maybe I was too overprotective. I'm beginning to get it, I think.I need person to person Cognitave therapy combined with meds to truly overcome my anxiety, panic, or whatever this fear is that I live with.I think then and only then will I get my life back and IBS under control. I think the things that I thought I had put away up in my brain have been tormenting me the past 20 years, at least.Again, I'm not looking for sympathy, but for answers.Thanks for listening,Brett