Hey fellow sufferers.

I have been lurking on and off for about seven years now. I remember Pokerface's posts some years back, it was my first ray of hope in all of this as everything else fell apart.
Those posts didn't end up helping either, neither did anything else actually. The doctors don't know what to do with me and I don't know what to do.
I have had colonoscopy and gastroscopy a few years back and tried all the meds they've given me. Also been on SSRIs on and off over the years, sometimes I have had periods when I have been going to the gym (early mornings or late nights), studied and worked (remote). I have some friends still so I am not totally lonely, I haven't met them in years we only stay in touch over the internet. I can't bear to see people, I have no social life. It's even hard being around my parents with their reactions to being around me.

I love dreaming a lot, it's a struggle to drag myself back to reality, reminding myself that I must work on myself in hope that somehow my LG will be figured out and I can live a normal life again. But I don't know where to go from here, I was at the doctor recently talking about a defecography because I saw someone mention it here and it really sounds like something relevant to me. They said they couldn't do it, why I don't know. I live in a country with socialised healthcare, I would take on debt to have a private doctor see me, but I just don't know where to start.

I don't know what else there is for me to do, when reality sets in I see no other way forward than to just kill myself. Only reason I haven't is because my parents and friends would suffer.